Well, I am again finding that the more I focus on trying to drastically transform my body, the more my body image issues and things related to that arise. Particularly when those include larger-scale changes in eating habits (I have been able to make many small, healthy changes to my eating habits over the past couple of years that have really gotten incorporated into my normal way of living--whole grains instead of process/enriched grains, 5+ servings of Fruits and veggies every day, drinking at least 8-10 cups of water a day, choosing raw/fresh/frozen over processed foods, etc...).
So while my overall eating habits concerning WHAT i put into my body have improved greatly over the past two year, I still struggle with portion control and emotional eating challenges. I do not often talk about these in detail on this blog, though I have mentioned them on numerous occasions I have to say that I am realizing how big of an obstacle the emotional ties to food/eating are in my life.
I could sit and try to figure out WHY--
do I associate food with love?,
do I use food to stuff down uncomfortable feelings?
Do I use food to keep from expressing anger?
Do I use it to bury shame?
Do I use food and body size to keep people (particularly potential romantic partners) at arms length?
Is it a form of self-sabbatog?
Is it an expression of self-hatred?
Is it a form of slow suicide?
Is it a buffer zone created to keep from being hurt emotionally?
Do I keep my excess fat as a way to have something to blame if people do not like me?
Is it a little bit of any or all of these things at different times?
But I have worked on looking at all of these different angels, and while they were important to identify (as it is not just one thing that creates my unhealthy relationship with food), knowing the potential "why's" does not solve the problem. At this point, going round and round about the potential "why's" is really just a distraction, each one of the above is part of psyche of my fatness and body image issues. The why's are not simple and straightforward, there is a lot of complexity, both to how those why's are formed, and how to understand them, but that can not be my focus right now. Sure I do need to chip away at a variety of old, stale, untrue beliefs, and work through some experiences that I am hanging on to that cause me to react in self-sabbatoging ways (not just eating habits , but those can be worked on simultaneously while changing behavior. They have to be actually, as the behavior and the experience thoughts/psychological reaction to those things are all intertwined.
What I need to focus on now though, is not the WHY am I fat, why do I eat the way I do, why do I make the choices I make--I already have a lot of those answers. The focus now needs to be on HOW. HOW do I change those behaviors? How do I better cope with those challenging emotions/memories/thoughts that come up when trying to change my physical body? HOW do i keep moving forward on the path towards better health? What do I need to do at each step, to keep moving forward to a better transformation, a healthier me?
That is what I need to work on more, and let the why be processed as it needs to be. Behavior modification I think, is going to have to become much more central to my process than psychological understanding. While I have worked on both fronts, and will continue to, I think it will be the behavioral changes that are going to be a greater focus now....
Real quick--food journal for today so far--2 eggs scrambled with onions and green peppers, 3 cups of coffee with half&half, and 5 cups of water....time to pick up the kids....
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