Spirit Level...VERY long post

Have you ever encountered another person, be it online or in person, regardless of how the connection initialized, and found yourself fascinated and drawn by that person? 

Sometimes you cannot even put your finger on what it is that has drawn you to that person, but there it is---this intrigue, this fascination, this.......overpowering desire to know and be known by that person. 

I have this experience every few years, where I will meet someone who just grabs my soul's attention, and I cannot walk away from them, even if the possibility of getting to know them seems like it would be impossible to make a connection. 

The first time I remember feeling this intense spirit level need for a particular connection was when I was about 11 years old.  The result ended up being a long nearly 15 year pen pal with my camp counselor Karen, who was an amazing woman who taught me so much, and whose life I got to watch unfold as she went to college, got married, formed a family, had tragedies and joys--her life was a great example to me, teaching me through a very difficult adolescence and early adulthood.  I did eventually lose touch with her, but she is never far from my heart, and crosses my mind often.  She was a gift to me, and she thanked me for being part of her life as well, though I have no idea what I brought to her.

The second time I had this draw to a person was a couple years later when I was around 13 (during the beginning of that difficult adolescence that I mentioned--which by the way was all internal, for the most part I was an easy teenager on the outside, but I had many internal struggles that I rarely shared) to a girl, Jen, a few years older than me, and she really helped me during my middle school years as a mentor and helping me connect to the right avenues to find support.  I do not know what I gave her, if anything, but I know the guidance she gave me.

The next time I felt this extreme fascination for another person, it was in my freshman year of college, and she was a fellow freshman, and we connected through mutual friends.  She is my Lizzer.  Our friendship grew over a few months, she was not an instant friend, but we had an instant connection, and I remember her telling me once that she thought I was an angel sent to help her through a very difficult time.  But she was my angel who helped me through many difficult times.  She and I became as close as two friends can be for a time, sharing so much of our lives.  We have been through a variety of spiritual explorations, seen each other through various relationships, celebrated each other’s journey to parenthood, and even though she lives on the other end of the country and we have not actually seen each other in six years (she has never met Josiah is person (though she has met Gonzo) and I have never met her little Owen in person), she is still one of the nearest and dearest people to my spirit--a true soul mate in the purest sense of having souls that are connected beyond time and space.   She is still an inner circle, heart level friend, who blesses my life every time I even think about her.  For the past 20 years, she has been one of the greatest gifts I have had enter my life.  I am looking forward to seeing her this summer sometime, with a couple of other friends whose friendships have withstood the test of time over the past 20 years since we all met in college.

The intense intrigue that I felt a couple of years later towards an amazing young lady in my Discovery class, I knew it meant that person would play a significant role in my life.  Even though we had many differences and I, at first, could not see a point of connection, I KNEW that ShawnE was a spirit level connection, because I felt it the first time I met her.  She has taught me so much over the years, and brought so many blessings into my life, my heart, and my mind that I cannot imagine a life without her smile and her presence. But I knew that first day that she was going to be significant.  18 years later, she is still a beautiful and amazing heart level friend, who is on my mind more often than you can imagine.  And every time we connect--be it through Facebook, email, written letters, phone, or the rare in person times, my heart and spirit are blessed beyond measure and explanation from this person who shares my heart, even though we live very different lives and have very different perspectives on so many things.

About a year later, I met this quiet, seemingly shy, very interesting woman at her house as I helped her move--she was the girlfriend of my best friend Kay’s colleague,  whom Kay had volunteered us to help them move.  There was a strength of spirit and wonder that surrounded Nykie, and though I felt (and really was) so completely out of my element, out of my comfort zone, that first day that I met the "Ford and Nykie" crowd, I knew there was something amazing about that quiet woman.  She is woman of amazing strength and stamina, an overcomer, a person who inspires me with her ability to roll with the punches of life, and come out as herself.  I miss her nearly every day; she is a blessing to my heart and to my life.  So many things I experienced through knowing her, and her forgiveness, her level of acceptance, and the just amazing spirit she carries--even when she cannot see it in herself.  She is a heart level friend, an inner circle spirit blessing being.  It has been 17 years since we first met, and nearly 9 years since I have given her a hug and seen her face to face.  I need to make a trip to Indiana, soon...

By the time I met Liz A, I knew what that intense feeling meant--within moments of walking into my ichthyology class a few years later, I just knew that THERE was a person who would grow into a heart level friend.  I had learned to trust that knowledge, that gift from God in a person.  I think I even went to Kay’s house (my best friend since our freshman year--who, by the way, did not give me that intense initial reaction, but has been a heart level friend for so long, so it is not exclusive to the amazing friendships I have, it is just that EVERY time I have felt it, there has been a significant contribution that that person made to my life and hopefully that I have made to theirs--it is a different connection than the typical one that has grown over time--it is like that connection already exists), and I said to her that I had met someone who was going to become an amazing friend.  And that Liz did--that dynamic, intense, motivated, fun, fun, fun, real, genuine, amazing human being became one of my dearest friends.  And what a life she has lived, what tragedies she has overcome, what adventures she has created, and what an inspiration she has been to me. For 14 years, she has had an special place as a heart level friend, and I WILL find a way to see her this year--even if I cannot attend her marriage, I will find a way to give her my blessings with a hug (as she has an amazing hug).

The next time I got that sense was about 3 years later when I was living in Ithaca, and we were meeting our new associate pastor.  Jacquie walked into the room, and my spirit did a backflip.  It was the most intense reaction I have EVER had to seeing another person.  I almost had to leave the room because my initial reaction was to run over to her and give her a hug and tell her I had missed her--a person whom I had never met in this lifetime.  Jacquie is hands down the most incredible spirit I have ever had the gift of meeting.  She is so many different things to me--she is my mentor, my friend, my teacher, a physical manifestation of God's love, an amazing human being, and a beloved gift to my heart.  She taught me the most valuable lesson that I have ever learned--that Shame Lies.  It may not mean much to others, but that lesson, the unconditional love that she taught with those two simple words freed me from so much that held me back from being myself, from embracing the gifts that I have been given.  I miss Jacquie every moment, and yet I always feel connected to her too.  It has been nearly 12 years since my spirit recognized her, and it has been 3 years since I have seen her face to face,  but she IS a large part of my heart.  And I hope that I can bless her in even a fraction of the ways she has blessed me.

A little over two years later I met Carol at ECHO 9 years ago, and even though I met so many amazing people at ECHO, people who are near and dear to my heart, she was the one that I had that initial, intense fascination with.  The sense that said "this person is significant for you".  Carol's laugh--her wonderful, amazing, incredible laugh--is one I can still hear echoing in my head, as it is a laugh that bring joy, pure joy.  Carol taught me to accept myself and accept what others can share, without trying to add more or take anything away.  There are many other things that carol brought into my life that is harder to define, but she brought me joy and acceptance--two gifts everybody always can use more of.  I have not seen Carol in a number of years, but she remains a very special person in my heart, and a friend who will always have a place in my life and my spirit.

A few years after that, I met a man named Joseph at a church meeting.  He was sitting across the room from me with a number of other people at this introductory meeting, and I just kept being drawn to him.  There was something about him that drew the focus of my spirit and my attention.  I chatted with this shy, quiet, gentle person afterwards, and just felt an instant connection—no THAT instant connection, one that I was now familiar with.  This was during the whole adoption saga and the Josiah medical intensive care emergencies insane life oh my God what the hell period of time (Yes I intentionally did not use punctuation, as that is how life felt at the time--no pauses, no commas, no period, no breaks).  The next few times I met this person, it was as he was in the M to F transgender process.  And I always felt this strong, strong pull towards Josie (which is who she is now).  Every time I encountered her at church or in the community, I knew that there was a connection I needed to make.  I loved Josie's hugs, Josie's gentle, kind, and loving presence.  I wanted so much to develop our friendship, and we had talked a number of times about connecting and getting together, but with the urgent chaos of my life at that time, I did not make the time to truly make that connection.  During the 2 years that I knew Josie with brief conversations, short connections, and the times we talked about connecting outside of church, I felt that it had to happen, there was something that was necessary to be shared--though we never got the chance to open that gateway, whatever it was--a lesson, a gift, a blessing, who knows...And it feels like such a significant loss, a hole in my spirit where something more was supposed to be.  A gift that I did not give and a blessing I did not receive.  I have completely lost touch with Josie.  I have a deep desire to connect with Josie again.  I have not seen her for about 4 years, as the time leading up to our move back to the Adirondacks was fraught with hell (to put it bluntly).  I have no idea how to even contact Josie, but I would love to connect, because there was, no…no, there IS something there.  When I think of Josie that strong draw, that significant pull is still there even after all these years.  It is something that is unfinished that makes my heart ache.  There is a blessing trapped in limbo...

It has been a few years since I have had that intense awareness, intrigue, fascination--whatever I call it--no word makes sense or fits this feeling well.  But anyway, with the insanity...hell... disconnection... fear... whatever these past few years have been consumed with has left me without connecting with new people.   So believe my surprise when this year I have had the experience of that feeling TWICE.  Never before have I had two people enter my life in such close succession that give me that sense of knowing there is something significant there.  

In February, I met this amazing, incredible, beautiful woman who lives on the other side of the world.  In so many ways we are worlds apart--figuratively and literally.  We connected online having a very incredible discussion about philosophy and labels and self-understanding.  It was the first time I have ever felt that feeling of--Oh my gosh, this person is a significant person to my spirit in some way--with a person I have never met face to face.  Abigail is such an incredible and amazing young woman, who has blessed my life, blessed my heart, and reminded me that can feel, that I can laugh, that I deserve to be happy.  And I have passed on the blessings that Jacquie taught me about the fact that shame lies, which was a gift that Abi needed.  Over the past few months, Abi is a significant, amazing person, who quickly has become so close to my heart.  I have enjoyed emailing, chatting, and skyping with her.  I am so blessed to know that she and her husband will be parents for the first time in a few months.  I am so blessed to know that she is finding more and more of herself, and her life.  I am so blessed to have met this incredible person, and she woke me up--which is a significant blessed gift that I did not know I needed.  I hope that she and I can have a long, incredible friendship.

Then about a month ago, I came across this fascinating person on the internet named Beth.  And when I first discovered her, I just let myself be fascinated for a few days--there are many fascinating people out there, but I rarely feel the need to say anything to them.  But this person got stuck in my head, with that same intriguing, intense, sense of need to connect.  So I sent her an email.  And we have exchanged a few emails, some with more "meat" than others.  We even met for coffee/soup last week briefly, which was great.  She is as fascinating and intriguing in real life as she is online.  And I still have the sense that there is something of significance that I need to connect with her on or about.  I fear that she may be thinking that I am kind of insane.  Honestly how crazy does it sound to have an random stranger tell you that they think they have a spiritual message or blessing to deliver to you but are not yet sure what that message or blessing is....  It is one of those spirit level connections that is looming but has not yet been fulfilled.  Knowing the sense I have surrounding Josie and the fact that she and I never really connected, and the sense of loss or incompleteness that still looms, I do not want repeat that error by walking away from this person, but more than that, there is something that I just cannot put my finger on that draws my attention, my focus, my spirit to her--and the only time I have ever had this sense, this feeling has resulted in the significant and amazing connections with the wonderful, beautiful, incredible people that I have written about in this post.  

So I have been thinking, and meditating, and praying, and listening to the amazing speakers in Healing with the Masters and the Self-Worth Summit, and have been exploring myself and my sense of self-worth (which seems to be less than it should be lately), and I have come to the conclusion that I am asking the wrong questions of myself and of the Spirit.  I need to stop wondering what on earth I can offer--what DO I have to offer, as I feel like I do not have much.  Perhaps I should ask the questions What do YOU need?  Maybe rather than coming from me, the answer needs to come from the other side...so maybe I just need to ask the right question...  Perhaps the question should be "How is your spirit?" or "What does your spirit love?"  Those are both great questions--not mine, taken from Sonia Choquette, one of the Healing with the Masters presenters...

So my friends, my heart gifts, my beauties—What does your heart need? How is your spirit?  What brings you joy?

Great quote

"Having the courage to feel is having the courage to live."

--Panache Desai
Inspirational Visionary and Contemporary Spiritual Master

I heard him say it on the http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/audio-replays/ which has a number of amazing recordings from amazing speakers for a limited time as they are replaying selected sections from the series that just ended.  Check it out---it is free and amazing!

Shifting from grumpiness to gladness

Okay....so I am not sure why, but I seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and have been incredibly grumpy this morning.  My beloved children seemed to respond to my grumpiness by trying their darnedest to see how much grumpier they could make me.   So, it was a good example of the Law of Attraction, the more i looked at my grumpiness and all the things  in my life and in myself that I feel grumpy about, the more things seemed to come up that increased my grumpy mood.

So finally, I woke up to the fact that I was not going to improve my day unless I shifted my focused and find a way--ANY WAY--to feel better.  So I have been shifting my focus to more positive focuses--sending emails to some of the people who have been sitting on my heart, just to let them know that they are being thought about and that they are cared about in this world; trying to provide a yummy lunch for the kids with stuff that makes them happy (so lunch was pepperoni, cheese sticks, goldfish crackers, and sliced apples); and reading through a variety of information on increasing the gratitude in my life, which helped prepare me to do a gratitude list--which is the most powerful way to shift from a negative attitude to a positive one.  So I did my Day 3 gratitude list (click here).

While I am still in the shift from grumpiness to gladness, my mood, attitude, and focus is much improved from what I was experiencing and creating a few hours ago.  A good reminder to shift my focus in order to shift my day.  Now if I can just do that in the financial arena and count those blessings instead of looking at the challenges, then maybe I can shift into abundance...

My blessings for all of you who are reading--May you get teh desire to count your blessings and let it make you FEEL BETTER.

Remembering Cheryl Beckett

I was looking through old photos tonight and I came across one that I love of myself and a bunch of my colleagues & friends from ECHO from 2003.  We were all going to a nice dinner or something (I forget now), so we are all dressed up--which is fun as we were all working in hands on sustainable agriculture and spent most of our time working in the dirt, so getting dressed up was a rarity.  This is the picture (don't I look healthy and good (in the back all the way to the right is me--my hair was long then)).  

Next to me in the back row is my old friend and former housemate at ECHO--Cheryl Beckett.  As much joy as this picture brings, it also brings pain.  Cheryl went on to work with children and women refugees who were displaced by the fighting in Afghanistan.  For a number of years she worked in some very dangerous places, giving her heart and her care to the women and children who needed it so much.  In 2010 while working in the hill country of Afghanistan, Cheryl and her team of aide workers were gunned down by the Taliban.  All were killed.  I did not know any of the other members of her team, but if they were anything like Cheryl...well, the world lost some amazing people that day.  I am sure the world loses amazing people everyday, but that day, I knew one of the greatest people to have blessed the earth in my lifetime.

For some reason one story about Cheryl that comes to mind was a morning when we were getting ready to head to the main part of the farm complex, and I was in my bathroom at one end of the house, and I hear this piercing scream from the other end of the house, so I run over to Cheryl's room and she is wrapped in her towel having jumped out of the shower, and is laughing very hard at herself.  A frog had gotten in (which was very, very common--frogs and lizards were always finding ways into the house) but she had not noticed a large frog which was up near the shower head, and it had startled her enough to create a scene (she was not normally scared of frogs or anything at all, it was just the unexpected presence that shocked her).  I took the frog out for her, and she finished her shower, but for some reason, that moment, the laughter in her voice after having a scare, the amazing person that she was--just  that smile, that joy--That was Cheryl.  There are so many other, more flattering sotries I could tella bout her, but for some reason when I think of that morning, I can hear her laugh and just remember her joy and her strength. 

I think of that story perhaps because the other night Josiah crawled into my bed complaining of frogs in his room.  I though he must have been dreaming, but low and behold the next morning, there was a frog hopping around in his room!  So those frogs made me think of Cheryl and her frog.  And then tonight when I came across this picture, I just have been reflecting on Cheryl, and on so many other amazing people that have walked on this journey of life with me--some for longer than others. 

Cheryl was the kindest, most genuine, and truly giving person that I know.  She was fun, she was serious, she was forgiving, she could see the silver lining even when she was saddened or angered by someone or something--and was a laughter through the tears person.  I remember so many things about Cheryl, She always knew when someone needed a hug or  listening ear, and was already willing to give either or both.  She was dedicated to her work, always up and ready to go out the door.  She was dedicated to her faith, and did not just talk about love, forgiveness, giving of yourself, but lived it...nay, embodied it.  She was down to earth, kind--so, so kind, and real, genuine, honest about who she was.  I have seen her happy and sad, forgiving and angry, upset and gracious.  I missed Cheryl before her early death as our lives grew apart when I left ECHO and later adopted the kids and she headed off to other parts of the world, but she was always close to my heart.  I would have loved to see her one more time, one last time, to thank her for all that she taught me about being Love and Light in the world. 

So here I am still awake at 2:30am (I have having a bout of insomnia lately anyway), and what am I doing?  I am reflecting on Cheryl Beckett--her strength, her courage, her love, her laughter, her heart, her spirit, her incredible hugs, and her amazing smile.  My life has greater meaning because for a time, I worked, walked, and lived with one of the strongest and most blessed gifts that God put on this earth.  I was blessed by Cheryl...rest in peace my friend, and I look forward to seeing you again someday.

Falling behind....and link to day 2 gratitude list

Well, I have not been doing my food tracking or my gratitude lists as I had committed to doing daily.  There are many reasons for this, but they all sound like hollow excuses, so I am not going to list them. 

It has been a busy week in some ways, and a non-productive week in others.  I find myself not using good time management, nor having the energy to do the things I need to and want to do.  So I am falling behind in many things.  Between car trouble, computer and cell phone issues, and general feeling of poor self-worth (I REALLY need to start listening to the Self-Worth summit that I have linked at the top of this page!  I always helps), I am just taking it moment by moment today.

I wrote a blog post yesterday, which I took down (something that I said I would never do). Sometimes we all write when we are over the top and then wake up the next day and ask ourselves if it was actually wise to say that.  I wish it were that easy with email--to be able to call back an email that had been sent the night before would be such a gift to fools like me who sometimes write when they are too tired or overwhelmed to use good judgement.  Even Facebook has a "remove comments" button, as they get that sometimes we all can be idiots and say idiotic things.  Oh well, such is life and the way of expressing with out filtering first.    At least blogging has a way to remove posts that should never have been shared in the first place.  So only those who had the unlucky  issue of checking the blog late at night or early in the morning had to read the stuff that I should not have posted.

Anyway, to try to shift my energy from negative to positive (or at least towards a more positive focus) I did keep my commitment to blog my gratitude list today, which can be found by clicking here.

Well, I am off to try to clean out my car and try to limp it back down to an appointment that I can not cancel a fourth time.  So send me your positive energy, your prayers of an uneventful drive down and back to the appointment with the kids, and send a new car  ;)

28 Days of Gratitude

Gratitude, and the expression and deep feeling of gratitude, is one of the most transformative powers in the universe.  As my life feels "stuck" in so many areas right now, it has come to my attention that I have not been spending enough time expressing and feeling gratitude, and too much time allowing worries and fears take over.  SO I am committing right now, today, that right NOW and for the next 28 days I will count my blessings.  For 28 days I will list ten things each day that I am thankful for, and WHY I am thankful for those things.

However they will be on my Gratitude blog, so each day I will post the link to that day's gratitude list on this blog (rather than re-blog it all over the place).  So today's gratitude list can be found by clicking  here on my gratitude blog.

Very cool series

I was finishing up the Healing with the Master's Volume 9 inspirational webinar series, and I happened up a link to another series that started in Early May, but goes through most of the summer, so there are still many speakers to go.  It is free to sign up and get on the calls.  Even if you can not be on the live call, they record them and have them available for you to listen to for 48 hours after each speakers call.  I never seem to be able to be on the live calls, but I greatly enjoy listening to and learning from them as I have time later in the evening.  It is usually 2 calls a week, so just 2 hours a week of power and profound spiritual, mental, and emotional guidance and teachings for self empowerment and growth from some of the best in their fields.

I have placed a banner at the top of my blog that links to the site.  You just sign up and they will send you email reminders of upcoming calls.  NO pressure, no cost, no obligation to listen to all of the calls--Just an offering of amazing teachings, philosophies and techniques to help you grow.

Enjoy!

Wow--what a week!

Okay, so I am really tired today--it has been one long week....

So there was an insurance glitch and so A did NOT go into rehab on Monday and was at my dinner table Monday night (and Tuesday and Wednesday night...)  But thankfully the insurance glitch got straightened out and A left for rehab yesterday and has started the journey towards a new or renewed life.  I will have to figure out when I can clean out A's apartment and arrange to move all of A's furniture into storage (in my garage)

The carpet is down in the daycare area of the house as of Wednesday--YAY!!!  it has been professional cleaned and has dried, thus ready for the room to be set up as of today. I have been getting the base boards together and need to cut a few to fit, so hopefully tonight I will have the big room's baseboards done after work.  And today will be the last day of babysitting outside of my home, as this weekend I should be able to get the daycare area all set up and ready to roll, so the two kids I currently babysit can come here and play.  AND I will hopefully be able to be ready for upcoming inspections in the day care licensing process, which will allow me to more than 2 children in addition to my own. You can watch up to two children at any given time in NYS without a license, but need a license to watch more--the license I am applying for will allow me to watch up to 6 kids in addition to my own.  If demand is great, I will hire on a co-worker and apply for group family licensing, which allows up to 12 children with two adults.  For now I will start with the smaller one, as that is what I have been working on, and I will have a licensed alternate provider and a couple of approved substitutes who will be able to take over if I am running around to appointments with my kids.

Yesterday was a crazy day as Josiah had his Neuropsychological evaluation, which was an hour and a half away, and took 6 hours (9:30am-3:30pm).  He spent most of that time working with the psychologist solo, while I had my own forms and paperwork to fill out in the waiting room. He did very well and worked very cooperatively with her.  She really was a wonderful person, and made both Josiah and I feel very at ease and comfortable.  A genuine, kind human being--so she was very easy to like and Josiah took a liking to her right away.  That made things much much easier.  So I am hoping that the information that she was able to get yesterday combined with the information I had provider earlier, and the information from the school, as well as her observations from the day she came to observe him at school, will help be enough for her to determine what is going on with him and how best to help him with the behavioral and emotional issues that have been developing and worsening over the past year.  I am putting a great deal of hope into Dr. McCabe's lovely hands.

Coming up next week--Josiah sees his pulmonary doctor, Gonzo sees his allergist (on different day, both of whom are nearly 2 hours away--the joys of specialist), and at Josiah's school it is heritage week, so many various activities including a trip to the museum, which I need to figure out a Way to attend or else he can not go.  Actually, he really just needs a family member to go with him, so maybe I can ask my father or my nephew Jess--Can you believe it, my little Jessi is 18 years old!! and heading off to college in the Fall!!  WOW time flies--and I feel old, I was an adult (19) when Jessi was born and now he is an adult--just amazing to me some days.

I will post later about how the eating life style change is going--lets just say for now that changing habits is a challenging thing, and it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so it has to be conscious effort during those 21 days to embrace the new lifestyle habit, after that it gets easier.  Eventually it becomes second nature an you don't even have to think about it.  I need to get more sleep on a regular basis, I think that would go a LONG way to helping me maintain the focus and will to change habits a bit more successfully--I have not given up, just have had a couple of days where old habits have superseded fledgling new habits, but that is for another post later....

thoughts and day 2 recap

So, I guess I could call this day 2 of this particular journey of the rest of my life, even though, as I made the point yesterday, EVERY day is the first day of the rest of our lives. Within the context of this renewed focus on moving forward in healthy ways, I will call this day 2.

Well, I am actually finishing this post on Day 3. 

The hardest part about changing eating habits--or any habits for that matter--is the fact that habits are unconscious, we often are on automatic pilot, and so we make choices without realizing that we are.  When I got in the car yesterday, there were a couple of skillets left in a little dish that Josiah had snacked on, and without thinking I just popped them in my mouth.  When trying to change my eating lifestyle, to reduce my intake of processed food and refined sugars, it was definitely NOT on the menu.  What has surprised me most is how often I have caught myself doing the same thing over the past few days--
-pouring a bowl of Apple Jacks for Jos and almost sampling a spoonful
-setting out snack of goldfish crackers and almost popping a few in my mouth
-getting a cup of juice for Gonz and taking a few sips
-searching around the kitchen for a healthy snack and almost grabbing a couple of saltines from the counter as I was searching

All of these little unconscious eating habits that are not even part of what I would have looked at in the scheme of "what did I eat today" because they were not on my radar, they were just a taste here and a taste there while I did other things.  I am sure, given the current awareness of it, that it added many calories and sugars to my day. 

As I focus again on transforming my life through habit change, I am becoming more aware that my default, habitual thought patterns have gravitated towards more negative veins than positive.  So, it is time for an attitude shift as well as a nutrition shift...

Well, now for a recap of day 2:
My DAILY goals:
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
--Day 2 total 1721 calories


-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
--Day 2 total 104oz water


-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
--Day 2 total 129 grams carbohydrate


-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
--Day 2 total 27 grams fiber


-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 25% from vegetable protein)
-- Day 2 total 79 grams protein, 24% from plant sources


-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
  --Day 2 total 103 grams fat, 45 of which were saturated--all from animal base sat fat


-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
--Day 2 total zero grams


-Eat at least 7 servings of vegetables(2 servings of Leafy Greens) per day
--Day 2 total 6 servings of veggies, of which 2 leafy greens


-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
--Day 2 still trying to figure out how much was in the processed foods I ate.

-Eliminate wheat and wheat based ingredients
--Day 2 --no wheat that I am aware of


-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
--Day 2 did not walk


-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
--Day 2 meditated on William Linville's Awaken to your True Purpose through Healing with Masters, a one hour audio program

Day 1 recap

So yesterday I did a somewhat sloppy start to keeping near the general guidelines I had set out for myself in my preparation post (the more in depth rational for which can be found in through a variety of previous posts, too many to link to).

My DAILY goals:
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
--Day 1 total 1990 calories

-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
--Day 1 total 76oz water

-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
--Day 1 total 131 grams carbohydrate

-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
--Day 1 total 24 grams fiber

-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 25% from vegetable protein)
-- Day 1 total 131 grams protein, 16% from plant sources

-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
  --Day 1 total 109 grams fat, 45 of which were saturated--all from animal base sat fat

-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
--Day 1 total zero grams

-Eat at least 7 servings of vegetables(2 servings of Leafy Greens) per day
--Day 1 total 8 servings of veggies, no leafy greens

-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
--Day 1 still trying to figure out how much was in the processed foods I ate.

-Eliminate wheat and wheat based ingredients
--Day 1 the only wheat base was on the onion rings breading

-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
--Day 1 did not walk

-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
--Day 1 meditated using Mary Hall's Accessing Your Divine Message through Healing with Masters, a one hour audio program

Okay...the first day of the rest of my life

I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time.  You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life".  OH...I have added a page to this blog  that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).

I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:

1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle.  It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief.  I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind).  I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is).  I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return.  Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge.  I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life.  For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.

2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace. 

3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled.  So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.

4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.

5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear.  It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart.  So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings.  i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life.  Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.

Starting Monday

Okay...As things with the house wind down to a steady pace of projects, unpacking, and setting up (instead of the frenzied, insane, all consuming pace that it has been over the past couple of months), I have turned back to looking at the other areas of my life that need to move forward in their transformation.

So I have stocked my fridge and cupboard with correct food, and have been working on preparing mentally and physically for the shift I need to make in continuing to work on my health.  I have lost another few pounds over the past couple of months even though I have not had much focus on good eating habits.  I think the physical labor of the house helped a great deal.

Anyway...so going back to prepping for a new start of the weigh loss and physical health focus starting  Monday.  So I have been doing reading and research for inspiration (I already am solid on the life style choices I need to make, I just stretch time by finding more inspiration to make the changes I need to make.) 

So I have been reading the emails from Blobmosis through his 28 day 10% total body weight loss, enjoyed reading the weight loss journal of musicpisces. 

I have also been re watching some favorite documentaries:

--Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead
--Food, Inc.
--Forks Over Knives
--Foodmatters
--Fat Head

I am revitalizing the list of basic guidelines that I posted on here on 8/9/2011: 

With a couple of revisions--I am going to go zero wheat (not gluten free necessarily). I have just been trying to observe my body's reactions to certain foods, and I have had this problem on and off for a while, where I will suddenly be exhausted and have to lie down for like 15 minutes.  So I have been trying to be aware of what precedes these times--is it only after I have had a short night of sleep?  Is it a certain food, or a certain activity?  I have noticed that it is usually about 15-30 minutes after I eat a meal that is heavy on wheat--Like a bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast, or a plate of whole whet pasta for dinner.  So I want to try a month of wheat free eating and see if I have any more issues with the sudden, short lived exhaustion times. 

As planned, and what I have been slowly transitioning to in general is a drastic reduction in processed foods.  I am hoping to get more of the dyed foods away from the kids as time goes on--like the sweet cereals and such which are so brightly colored with artificial dyes.  I am cutting processed foods, like ready to eat cereal, out of my diet.  I am hoping to eventually move that over tot he kids eating habits too.

So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to no more than 2 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...

Labels on posts *updated*

Hi all--I hope this warm,muggy, and somewhat amazing thunderstormy day finds you well.

I wanted to let you know that I went through and have added tags to the posts (over 150 posts already--wow).  So if you are looking for a particular topic or subject, you can search by tags, rather than have to search through my not-very-informative post titles.  It is not a perfect system, I am sure I missed some, or mislabeled others, but it is better than it was.
*update*--I have added a widget to the side bar which lists the labels that can be clicked on to give specific topics.  It is below the archives list.
Have a great day and I'll post again soon--it has been a few busy weeks, and we have a few more busy weeks coming up.  I hope we can squeeze in a coupel more canoe days,a s the kids really had fun this weekend and so did I.

Memorial and Remembrance--Thoughts on Death

With it being Memorial Day--a Day to remember those who were lost defending this country's way of life--I am reminded that there are many others that we remember.   Memorial day is a very poignant weekend regarding death due to a death that occurred a few years ago.

My dear mother-in-law (mil) passed away on Memorial Day in 2009, and while it was not the beginning of the end of our nuclear family's stability (as that demise had already begun about 10 months before that when A found the bottle again after years of sobriety), it was a huge turning point in A's life--which being my spouse and the other parent of my children, meant it was also a huge turning point in our lives.  Cleta (my mil) was an amazing woman--beautiful, giving, caring, stubborn, strong willed, and strong.  Her passing to the next phase of life was sad for those left behind, but she left a legacy with her children and her grandchildren, her love to them and through them carried her spirit on ward.  Grief and mourning are a part of life, as the passing of a great lady reminded me. 

I have had a great deal of difficulty understanding A's reaction to death--not that I expect it to be the same as mine, and obviously as it was a parent who passed, the grief is much deeper, and loss felt much more keenly--there is no return from it, only a moving forward to find a new normal for life to stabilize to.  I will not go into everything, or really anything more about A's reactions and such, as they belong to A, not to me.  (though I will mention with joy that A has decided to go to rehab (as detox just isn't sticking for more than few days) and will be entering a program next week in an effort to work through a variety of issues--And best case scenario is that she will find healing, and come out able to rebuild a life in a nearby city, and be able to be a solid, nurturing, part-time parent to our children.  Minimum desire on my part, that she will find healing and be able to build a new life.--sorry long tangent)

But I have reflected often on my views of death since then, and am finding that I do not view death the same way that many people do.  For one, I do not believe death is the end--it is AN ending, but much like the ending of one book in a long series, just as birth is not THE beginning, but a beginning.  I believe that I existed LONG before this particular incarnation of me arrived on this planet in 1974, and I will exist long, long after this body has returned to dust (and with modern preservation that is a long time).  I believe that people's spirits are connected, in non-corporeal ways, and (well I will not go into all of it) but I believe that "soul mates" are really just old friends finding each other again in this incarnation, because on a spiritual level, they are still connected.  So when you meet someone, and feel that instant connection, it is because on a deeper, non-physical plane--you already ARE connected.  And I am not talking about romance either, a soul mate can be your best friend.  On a spiritual level you attract each other like magnets.  Oh--that is actually a whole different topic--very closely related though.

When someone we love dies--we don't lose them, they are still with us--not in some "they taught you and you carry their memories and love with you" kind of way--though that is also true--but they are still as close as they always have been--time out of mind.  Our spirits are still intertwined and on that level, there is no loss.  Yes, grieve that you can not hug them or call them on the phone, or have a corporeal relationship with them any longer--yes that is hard, that does make you cry, it makes me cry--I LOVE hugs.  But it is not the end, they are not gone anymore than I will be gone when this body gives out eventually (when I am around 97 years old--I've decided that would be a good age to live to).  Death is not the end--even though the loss of a dearly beloved may bring us to our knees and wrench a bottomless scream from your throat, even though the overwhelming sadness that comes with knowing that this you will never again be able to hug that them again or hear that voice, even though the idea of living life with a hole that can never be filled but just has to be gotten used to seems impossible--the fact is, if you are tightly twined together in this world, in this life, your spirits are intertwined in eternity, and you will meet each other again and again, in various ways and various relationships. 

Death is hard...loss is hard...but remembering that it is NOT the end makes it a little easier.  I do not fear my own death...I do not fear the death of loved one...I know that anyone I love who passes will be painful for me and all that love that person.  I know that it will take time to grieve, time to heal, and time to find a new normal.  I know that everyone's time is different, everyone's grief is different...But I also know that in the end--there is no end!

Super quick post

Here is a rarity--a super quick post, just to touch base.

Life is busy--house move in and completion coming along--more on that later this weekend.

Today--I am heading out momentarily to take the boys canoeing (will post pictures afterwards if the camera works),  then to Mom's house for a BBQ in the evening.

I hope everyone is enjoying their freedom and families and friends on this Memorial Day weekend, and remember to take time to thank the soldiers, thinkers, philosophers, politicians, and WE the People who have created, developed, protected, and created the freedom we enjoy in our country--and continue to work towards greater equality, freedom, and liberty for ALL Americans and those who love our way of life and wish to immigrate here (through proper channels...after all the vast majority of us are the descendants of immigrants).

Quite a week (lots of pictures--but not of the house)

Okay, so ....

I know I say that a LOT--I never realized how  much I actually say that vocally until about a year ago my son was saying it all the time, and I was like, "where did he get that from" and then I heard myself saying it one day.  Then I realized that he got it from ME.  So ever since then, I have allowed myself to do it in writing because really it is how I talk...

Anyway,  so I got the boys all moved in on Sunday of last week; they both slept in Josiah's room until we could get Gonzo's carpet down.  His carpet went down Monday and was steam cleaned, so Tuesday evening we set up his bed and dresser.  Then I was able to clear out my room, and then Wednesday morning my room was steam cleaned, and I let it dry for two days because it had a LOT of stuff on it (being the only carpet that went through the whole construction, as the others are being put down now) and so it had to be extra cleaned, and thus took longer to dry.  It still smells a little funny, but I am happy to be sleeping in a big bed again, as I was sleeping in a twin bed since we left the apartment 2 months ago. 

Other than that, it has been plugging away at cleaning, putting things away and moving things around to prepare to put down the rugs in the day care/family room and dining room (but all of our boxes and such from the apartment were stored there so it is a lot of moving and sorting and restoring in the garage area.   There is still quite a bit to do, but it is mostly small things that can be fit in here and there.

In addition to the house, Josiah had his elementary Spring concert, and he had some speaking lines--which he did amazingly--he is such a ham, loves being the center of attention, so he really plays it up.  He, and all the kids did a great job singing and saying their lines.  I would post pictures, but alas none of my pictures or video came out well, except the ones I took of Gonzo at the back of the gym when he couldn't sit still while the older elementary performance was on.  SO we toured the kids art work displays in the back during that time.  I did get a couple of pictures of Josiah that came out as I was picking him up in the hall after the concert was over. 















On Thursday, Josiah had his weekly swim time in the evening, and we had an appointment earlier than that with the family therapist.  So in the time we had in between, we went grocery shopping.  While we were there we ran into Josiah's PT that he had had when he was 3.  It was really great to see her, and I am hoping we can catch up with her soon to hear how things are going.  After grocery shopping, there was still an hour before swim time, so I decided he and I needed hair cuts, and we went to our favorite place (Adonis Hair Salon) and were able to snag Brenda, our favorite.  She did a great job on my hair, but Josiah refused to get a hair cut.  He sat very nicely and watched me get my hair cut.  Usually he can be talked into it, but that day he was not having anything to do with it.  So then we went to swim and he did a GREAT job of listening, swimming, and working hard for the whole time.  I got some pictures, as I realized that he has been swimming for over 2 years and I had never taken any pictures of it before.  So here are a couple of my swimming man at aquatic PT.

Here is Josiah after swim on the way to the car, telling me that he needs to take a picture

And here is a picture of me with my new haircut that Josiah took when I gave him the cell phone--of course this is after sitting in a humid 95 degree pool room watching him swim for over half an hour, so the style had slipped some with the heat and humidity.  Still a really good picture for a 5 year old with a cell phone, I thought.  And a nice haircut for me.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms, moms-to-be, foster moms, mother figures, stand-in moms, and moms-sometime-later-in-the-future.  I hope that your day is filled with sunshine, that your children and thoughts of your children are shiny and rosy, and that you know how much you are appreciated.  Mothering often feels like a thankless job in so many ways, and it is good to have a day to remember to say thank you to your own mother.  And also say thank you to yourselves.

For all the things moms do:
from cleaning dirty diapers and middle of the night feedings,
to cleaning up the messy game room and feeding all of your crazy friends
from snuggles in the rocking chair and watching you sleep, thinking you look like an angel,
to snuggling together on the couch with a movie, and letting you sleep in on a Saturday.
from laughing as you finger painted the whole table and giving you kisses on your boo boos (both real and imagined,
to cheering you on in your theater, sport, music, or art event and holding you while you cried about a crush,
from proudly seeing you off to kindergarten (and quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
to celebrating your graduation from high school and your next steps into adult hood (while quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
from going to all your school plays and concerts, even though the quality left a lot to be desired, AND for being genuinely impressed and proud of how great you all did,
to posting and reposting on facebook all of your achievements as an adult as if they should be front page news.

To all the Love that moms give, even when they are grumpy and tired, even when they do not agree with your life choices, even when they think you are making a mistake

May you have a blessed day.

And to my Mom--
(here is my mom, click to hear her music!!)

Thank you for all that you do, everyday in every situation, for being there for me, and for not always saying "I told you so" even when you could have.

Quick post...

I think we have it--the certificate of occupancy!  So this weekend is moving in weekend!!  I'll post a picture once I have it in hand and have a chance to take a picture.  I am still hesitant to shout if from the rooftops until the piece of paper is in my hand, but....the inspector did say something like "this place is far enough along to be lived in" and we passed all of the electrical, plumbing and fire codes, so unless he changed his mind on the way back tot he office, we should have it.  (I know call me a skeptic, but I have had the experience of thinking something was  a done deal, and having people suddenly change their minds at the last minute...so written confirmation is a good thing).  Flooring is the name of the game for the next couple of days...

Okay, the other things that I am starting, now that this housing project is wrapping up and I need to return to my much neglected rest-of-my-life:

My quest for health--I have decided to follow Blobmosis for a new jump start on my path to healthy eating.  As the guy who created blobmosis has a focus on whole foods, but without being a complete health craze person, I decided it would be a good place to start, as I have been moving away from processed food, which are SO SO SO bad for the human body in so many ways, and trying to transition to just whole foods.  So, as he already has a daily menu that is emailed to you daily for the first 28 days, I thought it would be an easy way to not have to think too much about it (as my head is still on the house and starting the daycare which has a lot to do now), and still be able to start bring my body back into healthy eating.

I have also signed up for Joanie McMahon's free 17 day course on Following your Dreams as I have really gotten away from a lot of the Law of Attraction and other spiritual paths that help me stay centered, focused, and exploring/creating who I am.  So I figured a basic walk through of the ideas and concepts would be good for me again, as my focus has shifted so much to the negative and I need to start getting back to who I am and who I am seeking to be. 

The Tapping World  Summit is underway ( I know early on with this blog I had talked about EFT and said I was going to get more in depth into to, but I never did even though I did use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or at least the basic meridian tapping with focused phrases, and found them to work amazingly, I just did not stay up with it...) and is a couple of days into it now.  It is an amazing series and I would suggest that anyone struggling with anything should at least check it out.  The basic information on the Tapping Solutions page is very valuable, even if you do not go to the Tapping World Summit information.

So, I will update more later, and hopefully post some pictures of the house, and keep you updated on the move in process!!

Another step closer to finishing...

SO...This morning the electrical inspector came and did the final inspection for the electrical, and we passed, no problem.  So ONE final inspection down, and the big one to come...

The toilet is in and functioning perfectly.  Now I just need to hook up the water to the tub, and the bathroom is set.

The kitchen cupboards are being put in as we speak (I was just there helping my Dad get them laid out,and now am babysitting, but my little charge fell asleep after her morning at the arts center, So I have a few moments to update my blog).  We are getting closer and closer to calling the kitchen done.

A great gift arrived yesterday--my step-father, who runs a carpet cleaning business, was doing his annual spring cleaning of carpets at a nice hotel, and they were replacing some carpet in a few of the rooms and asked, somewhat jokingly, if he knew wanted any carpet.  They were surprised when he said yes.  So, he showed up at the house yesterday with his van full of nice, slightly used, but still in great shape carpet--and will be bringing more today--enough to do the boys rooms, the living room, the hallway, AND the large daycare area!!  So, I have been greatly blessed again by the generosity of people who were giving away slightly used but in great shape stuff for the house--and much more so by my step-father has been the one who seems to meet these people and is always keeping his eyes and ears open for--so I am truly blessed to have such a magnet in my life.  Thank you Jim!!

As the week goes on, I hope to take a few pictures and post them.  I just need to tighten up the firewall (be meticulous about going around with foam and caulk to hit any spots we missed), install the self closing hinges and correct door latch, and the firewall will be ready for its final inspection.  I think we still have to grab CO alarms as well, as I have battery operated ones, but I think they need to be hardwired, still not clear from the wording of the codes.  Aside from that, I believe we have completed all of the requirements for the final inspection, so if I all goes well, I should be able to get down to get the last of the supplies to finish up tonight, and by Thursday we could be having the final inspection. 

After the CO we can finish the flooring and molding, and move in this weekend if all goes well--Keep your fingers crossed, and your prayers/positive energy/good thoughts flowing our way.

Coming along well

So.....an update

The house is coming along well.  I always want it to go faster than it is, but that is my own impatience.  Josiah's room is now ready for trim and carpet--and then is done, done.  Gonzo room will be painted and panelled today, so it is getting close to ready.  The bathroom WOULD have been done (except for trim) yesterday if the flange was not 1/4" too long, so the toilet can not be put in under we either get a different flange OR modify the hole for the toilet, which is more complicated than it sounds given that the house is on a concrete slab and the bathroom floor is raised up to accommodate plumbing drains, and everything with the holes/drains are already set in place--so changing anything with the drains and holes would just be a really big project--so I think unless another brilliant idea comes along, we will be waiting another day or so to go out of town to buy a new toilet flange....

The kitchen cupboards should be going up today; the firewall is done aside from one last go over with the fireproofing caulk to make sure there were no gaps missed; the only painting other than Gonzo's room is the big hallway where the pantry will eventually be.  So we are very close to being able to move from the renovation phase to the clean-up-to-live-there phase.

There will still be a couple of building projects to finish later--after the certificate of occupancy and official move in--many because they are not necessary, just nice to have, I do not yet have the materials to do them, and time is of the essence--so the linen closet, pantry, and coat closet will all be put in afterwards.  But those are little individual projects, and can be done on the weekends one at a time. 

So, the electrical inspector should be back tomorrow or Tuesday, and we will hopefully be able to get on his schedule this week.  And after we have that inspection, we can call in the building inspector for the final inspection.  So wish me luck, say a prayer, send me positive energy--the whole shebang.  Josiah is so excited about the house getting done, so I am hoping that next weekend can be out official move-in weekend.  :)

I will post pictures later this week....I will also give an update on the school situation later this week sometime (I hope), depending on how the inspections go.  I am trying to focus on only one stressful issue at a time, and while I am dealing with school related stuff, talking about it it, publically reflecting on it, and such is more stressful than just dealing with it (though cathartic and helps to process things a little more easily--it still takes more mental/emotional energy than I have to spare right now).  So, I will be getting back to that once the current house stress is reduced.

Busy day ahead....

So....today is a very busy day.  I have to to babysit for an hour this morning, and after I drop my little charge off for her preschool program at the Arts Center, I have to head down to a nearby school.  I am meeting our school's guidance counselor, who is also the CSE chairperson, there to look at one of their programs.  Then we head on to another two schools to look at their programs--one being at Prospect, the school where he did preschool and still does aquatic PT.  We are all still up in the air about what will be the best setting for Josiah for next year, as this year has had so many ups and downs and all around.

After visiting three different schools and reviewing their programs, then I have an appointment with our family therapist (just me today), which will be good as life has been so busy that I have not had a chance to see her and update her as to what is going on in the family for a few weeks.  It will be good to also talk about a variety of things going on with our family, with myself, and with the boys.

After that, I have to head back home (an hour away), pick up Josiah and go back down to Prospect (an hour away) for his weekly Aquatic Physical Therapy time. 

So today is a lot of running, running running....I just hope it is productive and useful, as I could really sue a productive day.  The last couple of days, even though I have worked on the house in the evening, have been two steps forward, two steps back kind of days.  I had thought the plumbing was done and we just needed to hook in the fixtures--but alas, after relaying the bathroom floor with new adhesive (the self sticky tiles did not stick---go figure), I had hooked up the bathroom sink, which worked beautifully--until I shut the faucet off and for some reason the pipe in the wall decided to start leaking.  So I had to shut off that water to the sink and shower part of the bathroom (the other half is still not hooked up...).  Then I finally got a brand new faucet for the kitchen, as the other ones I had both had problems (used stuff can be great or can be a headache), I got that all installed (on my own like the bathroom sink), and after I turned it on, it also worked well.  But I woke up this morning to there being water all over the kitchen floors, seeping under the wall.  The sink faucet is not leaking, which means a pipe in the wall as sprung a leak....

So two steps forward, two steps back....

And I am feeling blue and lonely and a bunch of other things in addition to the crazy running around I have to do today, so that compounds the issues of the day.  I hate blah feeling days....

Blogging, Openness, and Education about depression

There seems to be a run of emotional challenges lately, not only in my life and the people around me, but in the blogging world as a whole.  Some of my very favorite bloggers have written some really incredible and amazing posts about depression and mental illness lately.  And I am so honored by their courage to step up and talk about their personal experiences with this very difficult and often misunderstood challenge.  As I have struggled--sometimes mildly and sometimes very severely--with depression, anxiety and a few other issues in my personal life, and know that when you share that with people who never really have experienced true clinical depression or clinical anxiety, it can be disconcerting.  It can change the way a person looks at you or treats you because they don't understand it.  You don't have to understand it, I am still the same person I was yesterday and a decade ago--it is just a part of me that adds an extra layer of challenges  AND insights to life. 

As I have been struggling with a resurgence of it lately, and my ex is struggling with a really severe bout of it right now, I have been amazed at how many of my favorite hilarious bloggers have been open about it.  So I am going to post a few links to some of the things that they ahve said, because--one, I am not really brave enough to discuss my person demons online in a public blog, and two, they say it so well and so succinctly that I can not top it:

The first is Allie at Hyperbole and A Half, who does a great humorous and amazingly accurate description of what it is like: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

The second is Jenny aka The Bloggess, who is just incredibly hilarious, but did this amazing post/video about depression http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/  Jenny says quite a bit about depression and struggle with mental health,  She is incredible and amazing, and a person whose courage and openness is just wonderful. Here is another post of hers on the subject: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

A third one, who keeps taking down her amazing posts about depression, but who is comical and real and raw is Emerald Wynn (whose post about a week ago I would have loved to have shared as it was very poignant, but alas she took it down).  So I will share another post of her where she is very real about depression (sandwiched in the middle of the post), as I really think it is important: http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-loneliness-thats-killer.html  And this post and the poemy thing at the end of this is definitely worth sharing:  http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-love-you-i-hate-you-but-ill-always.html And another one of hers on the topic that I  liked as well http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/06/invasion-of-body-snatchers.html  OH, and Second Life, which is what Em talks about and where the pics come from, is a virtual world where you can  meet real people from all over.  For me, who feels isolated living where I do without connections to the range of cultures and personalities and idea I am used to and need in my life, Second Life has given me the chance to meet and "hang out" with a wider variety of people.  Though with the work on the house, I have only stopped in world a couple of times in the past 6 weeks, so I am neglecting my second life some as my regular life is so insanely busy.  If anyone does go on, look me up and IM me or send a friend request--I am AlabasterCamel in world, and usually be found in UUTopia, LP, or Greek Gold (I know there are thousands of worlds in second life, but those are the three I frequent most often).

Inspector on VACATION!?!?!!

So, an update on the house situation....we pushed hard this weekend to get things ready for the final inspections.  We still have a few absolute necessities to do prior to the final inspection, and then a bunch of other stuff to do to get it ready to move the kids in, but we are ready for the electrical inspection (or will be within the next 24 hours), and so I called the electrical inspector this morning--the only one who services this area--and his message said he is on VACATION until May7th. 

SO that put the brakes on, as without the final electrical inspection, I can not have the final, final inspection to get the CO.  So, while we will still keep working (as there is still a bunch of painting and cleaning up and finalization of the bathroom and kitchen (had a problem with my well laid floor--self sticky tiles will not bind even with the bond enhancer I put down prior to laying them out, so I am having to lift each tile up and spray adhesive under it and lay it back down, so the bathroom completion is a bit delayed).  So it will still be a busy week, but we do not have to push as hard because I have to renew my Workers comp insurance to keep the building permit for another week (I had hoped and push to avoid having to do that, but luckily my little tax refund arrived finally so I have the funds to pay it, which was part of the problem--I am so glad money arrives when it is so needed).  So maybe tomorrow my father can take a break as he has not taken a day off in like 2 weeks (though of course he will just go work at Dr. Hammer's house as they are coming home this week and he has to get that opened up and ready, but at least it will be a change of pace).

My goal now is to have all the painting done (including both boys rooms and the day care area (which I am only repainting a little bit of that now as I don't have enough paint to redo the whole thing, so Salmon Colored walls will have to stay as the paint is in good shape and does not NEED to be painted over.  I also plan to have the kitchen and bathroom fully functional and ready to roll by the 7th.  AND have everything cleaned up (right now it is both a mess of construction material and mess AND storage of my apartment and stuff people have given for the house which now really needs to be moved into the garage area as most of the construction are now out of that area.  It IS covered with Sheetrock dust and saw dust though, so before I move anything back there, I have to clean it up.  but that is one of my goals for the next few days. 

So while I am disappointed that I can not get the final inspections for another wee, I am happy that I will be able to get more of the stuff done to make it truly livable before actually moving the kids in, and when I have the CO, I should be able to make the transition the very next day, rather than having a gap between the CO and the move in day.  We can survive another week the way we have been going.  The kids will be okay, and A will be okay ( I hope--things seem slightly calmer this morning than they have been the past week or so), and I will be okay. (ya know it is a good thing my ex's name starts with an A and not an I because that could get confusing, I mean using "A" to denote my ex is confusing enough, but if I had to use "I" I would probably have to get more creative.  Or I could just a  have a ball writing really confusing posts and trying to explain them and making anyone who reads them think they they are on drugs or something (or that I am on drugs or something...coffee.....hmmmmm...that is my drug of choice.....followed closely by chocolate).  No, my insanity is my own and I embrace it proudly...!  Oh dear...rambling aimlessly...time to go...