Well, the job that I had been hoping to get has fallen through. Three interviews and the final running, but alas I was not the candidate selected. They thanked me for my interest, were impressed by my qualifications, enjoyed meeting with me, but I was not the best fit candidate for the position. So we stay the staus quo, though after August my main income is gone, so I do need to find a somewhat stable source of income between now and then.
Everything happens for a reason, so we will see where this adventure leads...
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thinking........always a dangerous activity....part 1....
I think I wrote a while back about the analogy I had heard of going from say Las Vegas to Los Angeles and how even if you did not know the exact route, if you knew the basic direction, and you keep going in that direction, then you will eventually get there. The second portion of that analogy is that if you set out in that direction, and then change your mind and start heading in another direction, and then change your mind and start heading back, and so on, you could essentially be lost forever, turning in circles and never actually getting anywhere. To way to get somewhere is to keep heading in that general direction. It is sticking with a single decision that keeps a person moving in the chosen direction, and making each decision based on that initial decision. If you always override your past decision in favor of a new one, you end up floundering in the wilderness, unsure of exactly where you are, how you got there, or where you are going.
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
But we were firm in our commitment to give a child with special needs from Russia, as children with special needs are placed in mental institutions at age 5 and are not available for adoption after that. They live out their lives, like the US used to treat people with disabilities--hidden away from sight, treated poorly due to the belief that they are essentially of lesser value than "regular" human beings. Not given the chance to grow, learn, and become productive members of society. So, we lifted up our broken hearts, and committed one more time, to a little boy who was in yet another region of Russia. As many of our clearances had expired we used a sizable portion of our saved funds (which had been dipped into for the second attempt) to redo all of our paperwork for yet another region. This time we were hoping to bring home Kirril (whom were were going to rename Korey). He had hydrocephalus and possible mild CP.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Interviews, Incomes, and Ideas....
Well, I had an interview via phone today with a company out near my ex's family. it seemed to go well and I should hear by the end of the week or early next week if I am invited in for a face to face interview with the next person up the chain. If that goes well there will be a final interview with the director of that division of the company. And if that goes well, I may have a fair paying job, so a move of nearly 5 hours would have to commence and we would have to start the process of finding the right schools for the kids, and hopefully getting into an area where they are easy to work with as a team and not an "us and them" attitude school district. But anyway, I made it to the first step in a potential job process. Getting back to my career after four years away from it is an exciting possibility.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
Monday, May 23, 2011
can you really lose...
Can you really lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Well, yes, I believe anything is possible. Does that mean that I will lose 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog? No, as I am working on transformation of my whole life, not just focusing on changing that one (albeit very big and pressing) issue in my life. I am not fat because I eat too much and do not exercise enough ( that is only part of the symptoms which need to be treated along with the cause). If I were 10 or 20 pounds overweight, I might be able to just say "whoa, my eating and exercise habits are out of whack, I have to change those." and be able to get back on track.
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Warm days and clean carpets and family roles...
So it has been lovely weather (aside for the persistent rain or drizzle every few hours).. The kids and I actually wore shorts yesterday for the first time. Today was touch chillier, so even though G and I had shorts on early in the day I had him change into pants for the afternoon. The kids were so cute this morning, J was sitting on the toy tractor and G was pushing him around the dandelion filled yard ( I LOVE dandelions, seriously, I think they are happy and beautiful). So it was a gorgeous morning.
Starting last night and finishing up this morning, I empties all the furniture out of the living room (except my blanket chest and some stuff I had in the corner behind it as no one has been in that area for months and I had no where to move it to). I did all this so that the floor was ready for a steam cleaning. Magic Carpet, owned by my mom & step father, did a beautiful job. My step father is very good at making hopelessly messy carpets look 1000X better. So, aside from a problem with miscommunication causing grief between my mother and I, it was a good day.
For some reason I have miscommunication problems with family, most other people in my life seem to understand me, but if email is involved (and half the time even face to face conversation) there is bound to be miscommunication somewhere, and this one started our as a miscommunication face to face (talking about a particular thing which related to carpet cleaning, but somehow the two got tied together), over five different conversations (where I had hoped to unhook the two ideas), and I tried to do one final clear up via email to my step-father, and made it go from bad to worse--so there are days I feel like i am cursed when it comes to communication with my family. Because how can something as simple as discussing a carpet to be cleaned lead to five confusing conversations and a final email that is meant to clear up the confusion, thus causing hurt, anger and more confusion. But, well it is family, and I will keep trying to express myself more clearly.
I am loquacious (in case you hadn't noticed by the volume of my writings), and so I do have a tendency to be confusing (as so many different things relate to each other in my mind, but not in other peoples minds, and I tend to talk about more than one idea at a time--which leads to the unplanned wedding of a couple of different things, which I have trouble undoing. So I need to keep working on myself and trying to find a way to communicate with them more effectively. Perhaps other have had issues with my communication but have just never reacted drastically to it. Most people tell me I have good communication skills and convey my thoughts well.
I suppose when it comes to family, well, they are a whole different ball game. In an article called "Branching Out: Going home for the holidays can mean getting stuck in old family patterns -- or growing into something new." By Sally Kempton in the November 2010 issue of Yoga Journal (page 55-61), she states "If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family." She talks about how when you go back to your family of origin, you are wrapped in all of the joys and sorrow, successes and failures, pride and disappointment, and all of the other experiences that you had gone through together. Later Kempton said, "Memories, rivalries, and disappointments are only a piece of it. More basic is the forced encounter with parts of yourself that you thought you outgrew years ago, and the equally insidious confrontation with the ideas that family members have about who you are."
This idea has been set forth by many people. That your family of origin can never really see or understand the person you have become, because their unconscious expectations of you (and yours of them) are rooted in many of the growth experiences from your growing up. The buttons that you have were mostly installed by the family you grew up in, so they are more likely to push those old buttons or, if you have worked on deactivating some of those buttons, they may just expect you to react a certain way and react accordingly. I have a not so unconscious expectation that my mother can not understand me, and can never fully know who I am. Much of this comes from her telling me that she just can't understand me as I went through my teen years, and her often frustrated exasperation about how I am so much like my father. Which was exasperating to her, as she never really did understand my father. I find it to be a compliment mostly as I adore my father, and I know that he is one of only a handful of people who truly has a mind that works the way mine does (not that we think the same, as we differ on a lot of opinions about a wide range of topics, but rather the way we process and use information, the pattern of our thought processes, is very similar). I have come to understand that our particular pattern of thought processing is fairly unique, which is why i have taken to explaining things in detail when trying to convey information, as I find people used to have trouble following me. In college I met my friend Lisa and we shared this unique way of processing, so I loved our conversations, no need to explain the weird jumps we made. Others would be so lost, but we got each other, and it was such a rare and wonderful thing. I miss her, as it has been a long time since I have talked to her, just because life grew us apart. I still keep in brief touch through email and her husband's facebook page (she is too busy to have one of her own), but I long for a nice long conversation over lunch. My best friend from college, Kay, who is still my best friend now nearly 19 years later, has known me long enough and spent enough time with me, that she can usually follow my weird conversational jumps without me having to use a segway, which is pretty amazing too.
Anyway, away from that aside, I was saying, there is a large body of articles and papers out there regarding this phenomenon with adults dealing again with their fairly of origin and finding so many old road blocks and relationship discomforts coming to the forefront. I believe it does have a lot to do with old memories, buried feelings, expectations based on a persons behaviour from years before, and the inability to mesh the newer identify o the person onto our preconceived notions of them. Lord knows that when I can step back and try to look with new eyes, I learn a lot about myself and my family member that I just couldn't see before. I think my communication difficulties with my family speak to both my perception of them (or more honestly my perception of their perception of me) and of their perception of me (or their perception of my perception of them). It is all very confusing and exhausting in so many ways.
I have many times in the past year, wondered about how wise it was to try to move back home after 17 years of living as an adult on my own (or with friends or near certain family members--basically living away from home). 17 years is a long time, and a person changes a lot in 17 years, not at their core, but how they express and experience, and share that core changes greatly in that time. Now, only 2 years back home, and without a social life outside of family and far away friends (anyone that tells you raising two kids with special needs does not drastically alter their ability to have a life outside of the kids sure does not have my kids--it is extremely isolating, especially the medical issues when they are very young (J) and the behavioural issues of autism which do the opposite of improving with age (G)). But as J gets older and G is trying as much as he is able, I am hoping that the tide on this will begin to switch soon.
Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the past two years living at home (well in my own place, but it is such a small town, it is nearly the same as moving back home with the parents) I am finding that much of my sense of self and my self-confidence has been eroding back to that teen-age level, and as I have very few fond memories of my high school self and had less self-confidence than you can imagine (like many geeky, flabby teenagers), this is not a desirable direction to be moving in.
So my communication ability with my family seems to be reverting back to those old levels, where I always felt misunderstood and alone, and I think this is God's ways of opening my eyes to the regression that I am undergoing. It was this weird, month long communication glitch with my mom, which I do not like as I really like the friendship my mom and I have and have been continuously building, that has made me look inward at what is going on with me. I think it may be time for me to move on again. To stand back on my own two feet without worrying about what other people think of the path that I take. To get back to reclaiming myself and building an amazing person instead of reverting slowly back to that person that i did not like. To move forward and build strong, respectful connections with my family based on the incredible (though never perfect) person I know I am not the teenager I used to be.
There is actually a lot more I would love to put down on paper (like the analogy of quicksand and living in this particular limbo, the harder you try to fight against it the faster it seems to pull you down, so needing to calm down and focus on finding a stick that I can reach to pull myself up with), but I am really tired and I have to get up early to try to put the furniture back in the living room before I wake the kids. The floor takes 12-14 hours to dry, but the air is so damp it is taking longer than I had expected.
So I am off to bed now.
Starting last night and finishing up this morning, I empties all the furniture out of the living room (except my blanket chest and some stuff I had in the corner behind it as no one has been in that area for months and I had no where to move it to). I did all this so that the floor was ready for a steam cleaning. Magic Carpet, owned by my mom & step father, did a beautiful job. My step father is very good at making hopelessly messy carpets look 1000X better. So, aside from a problem with miscommunication causing grief between my mother and I, it was a good day.
For some reason I have miscommunication problems with family, most other people in my life seem to understand me, but if email is involved (and half the time even face to face conversation) there is bound to be miscommunication somewhere, and this one started our as a miscommunication face to face (talking about a particular thing which related to carpet cleaning, but somehow the two got tied together), over five different conversations (where I had hoped to unhook the two ideas), and I tried to do one final clear up via email to my step-father, and made it go from bad to worse--so there are days I feel like i am cursed when it comes to communication with my family. Because how can something as simple as discussing a carpet to be cleaned lead to five confusing conversations and a final email that is meant to clear up the confusion, thus causing hurt, anger and more confusion. But, well it is family, and I will keep trying to express myself more clearly.
I am loquacious (in case you hadn't noticed by the volume of my writings), and so I do have a tendency to be confusing (as so many different things relate to each other in my mind, but not in other peoples minds, and I tend to talk about more than one idea at a time--which leads to the unplanned wedding of a couple of different things, which I have trouble undoing. So I need to keep working on myself and trying to find a way to communicate with them more effectively. Perhaps other have had issues with my communication but have just never reacted drastically to it. Most people tell me I have good communication skills and convey my thoughts well.
I suppose when it comes to family, well, they are a whole different ball game. In an article called "Branching Out: Going home for the holidays can mean getting stuck in old family patterns -- or growing into something new." By Sally Kempton in the November 2010 issue of Yoga Journal (page 55-61), she states "If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family." She talks about how when you go back to your family of origin, you are wrapped in all of the joys and sorrow, successes and failures, pride and disappointment, and all of the other experiences that you had gone through together. Later Kempton said, "Memories, rivalries, and disappointments are only a piece of it. More basic is the forced encounter with parts of yourself that you thought you outgrew years ago, and the equally insidious confrontation with the ideas that family members have about who you are."
This idea has been set forth by many people. That your family of origin can never really see or understand the person you have become, because their unconscious expectations of you (and yours of them) are rooted in many of the growth experiences from your growing up. The buttons that you have were mostly installed by the family you grew up in, so they are more likely to push those old buttons or, if you have worked on deactivating some of those buttons, they may just expect you to react a certain way and react accordingly. I have a not so unconscious expectation that my mother can not understand me, and can never fully know who I am. Much of this comes from her telling me that she just can't understand me as I went through my teen years, and her often frustrated exasperation about how I am so much like my father. Which was exasperating to her, as she never really did understand my father. I find it to be a compliment mostly as I adore my father, and I know that he is one of only a handful of people who truly has a mind that works the way mine does (not that we think the same, as we differ on a lot of opinions about a wide range of topics, but rather the way we process and use information, the pattern of our thought processes, is very similar). I have come to understand that our particular pattern of thought processing is fairly unique, which is why i have taken to explaining things in detail when trying to convey information, as I find people used to have trouble following me. In college I met my friend Lisa and we shared this unique way of processing, so I loved our conversations, no need to explain the weird jumps we made. Others would be so lost, but we got each other, and it was such a rare and wonderful thing. I miss her, as it has been a long time since I have talked to her, just because life grew us apart. I still keep in brief touch through email and her husband's facebook page (she is too busy to have one of her own), but I long for a nice long conversation over lunch. My best friend from college, Kay, who is still my best friend now nearly 19 years later, has known me long enough and spent enough time with me, that she can usually follow my weird conversational jumps without me having to use a segway, which is pretty amazing too.
Anyway, away from that aside, I was saying, there is a large body of articles and papers out there regarding this phenomenon with adults dealing again with their fairly of origin and finding so many old road blocks and relationship discomforts coming to the forefront. I believe it does have a lot to do with old memories, buried feelings, expectations based on a persons behaviour from years before, and the inability to mesh the newer identify o the person onto our preconceived notions of them. Lord knows that when I can step back and try to look with new eyes, I learn a lot about myself and my family member that I just couldn't see before. I think my communication difficulties with my family speak to both my perception of them (or more honestly my perception of their perception of me) and of their perception of me (or their perception of my perception of them). It is all very confusing and exhausting in so many ways.
I have many times in the past year, wondered about how wise it was to try to move back home after 17 years of living as an adult on my own (or with friends or near certain family members--basically living away from home). 17 years is a long time, and a person changes a lot in 17 years, not at their core, but how they express and experience, and share that core changes greatly in that time. Now, only 2 years back home, and without a social life outside of family and far away friends (anyone that tells you raising two kids with special needs does not drastically alter their ability to have a life outside of the kids sure does not have my kids--it is extremely isolating, especially the medical issues when they are very young (J) and the behavioural issues of autism which do the opposite of improving with age (G)). But as J gets older and G is trying as much as he is able, I am hoping that the tide on this will begin to switch soon.
Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the past two years living at home (well in my own place, but it is such a small town, it is nearly the same as moving back home with the parents) I am finding that much of my sense of self and my self-confidence has been eroding back to that teen-age level, and as I have very few fond memories of my high school self and had less self-confidence than you can imagine (like many geeky, flabby teenagers), this is not a desirable direction to be moving in.
So my communication ability with my family seems to be reverting back to those old levels, where I always felt misunderstood and alone, and I think this is God's ways of opening my eyes to the regression that I am undergoing. It was this weird, month long communication glitch with my mom, which I do not like as I really like the friendship my mom and I have and have been continuously building, that has made me look inward at what is going on with me. I think it may be time for me to move on again. To stand back on my own two feet without worrying about what other people think of the path that I take. To get back to reclaiming myself and building an amazing person instead of reverting slowly back to that person that i did not like. To move forward and build strong, respectful connections with my family based on the incredible (though never perfect) person I know I am not the teenager I used to be.
There is actually a lot more I would love to put down on paper (like the analogy of quicksand and living in this particular limbo, the harder you try to fight against it the faster it seems to pull you down, so needing to calm down and focus on finding a stick that I can reach to pull myself up with), but I am really tired and I have to get up early to try to put the furniture back in the living room before I wake the kids. The floor takes 12-14 hours to dry, but the air is so damp it is taking longer than I had expected.
So I am off to bed now.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 54--the kids are stressed......ughhh
So today, the kids had a good day at school AND it was payday, so I took the kids out for ice cream after school. G and I shared a banana split (as they are on special this week at Stewart's), but J did not want it, so he got a little dish of rainbow sherbet instead. They were very good at the shop and seemed to be in good moods until we got home. Then J threw a tantrum about G beating him into the house (as J can't walk, it is up to me to make sure he has a fair shot at winning if they are racing), but they were not racing, they were just getting out of the car. But he threw a conniption anyway. He was easy to bring out of it by talking to our cat, Horus, who was waiting on the side of the driveway meowing at us. Then we came in and they wanted to play Monkey Ball on the game cube, and as it was 4:00, I told them go ahead (video games are limited to 4-5pm, as they were getting addicted). They were playing and G kept jumping erratically in a very small space almost landing on J many times. I kept telling him that if he wanted to jump he needed to move to the other side of J where there was more space. Four times I said it, and finally I just picked him up and moved him over to where it was safe for him to jump. And he had a TOTAL meltdown... full blown teary sobbing....when I asked him what was wrong he said he wanted to win but J won. However he kept playing and within seconds he was fine again...
Some days I feel like I live in the twilight zone.....
Some days I feel like I live in the twilight zone.....
Monday, May 2, 2011
Oh my gosh I forgot to write about it....
A got a job!! The car salesman is back in car sales. While A has a degree in social work, there is always a point of burn out. When A started selling cars after we adopted J, it was match made in heaven. A became number 2 in sales in a large dealership within a couple of months (beating people with years of experience), and stayed int eh number one or two spot for the duration of employment, which was longer than any job I had seen A have. And A LOVED the work, loved making people happy getting them into a good car, loved the thrill of making the sale, loved the camaraderie and the competition with colleagues...
But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success. So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped. Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart. So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me. AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home. Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house. And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.
I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship. And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life. I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself. in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely. And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me. So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain. But suffice to say that I am okay with them.
But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success. So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped. Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart. So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me. AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home. Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house. And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.
I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship. And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life. I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself. in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely. And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me. So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain. But suffice to say that I am okay with them.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....
I have been dealing with a very annoying and extremely persistent round of the "shoulda woulda coulda" monsters. A few years ago (for a period of a few year, so not a fleeting thing) I had reached a point in my life where I had no regrets, where I could look at the journey my life had taken, the good and the bad, the decisions I had made, the mistakes I had made, the things that I had been done to me that I had no control over, the things that I had control over and allowed to happen anyway, the dreams I had followed, the dreams I had walked away from--all of those things that had made up my life, that had brought me to that point were things I was willing to accept and welcome, as I could see how they made me into the person I was at that point. As much as I hated some of the paths my life had traveled through, I was proud of the person I had become, and looking forward to a bright and successful future. I will not go into it all, as it was amazing and alot, but....
Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....
This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that is being more difficult to overcome. Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist. I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world. I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church. I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family. Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go
Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....
This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that is being more difficult to overcome. Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist. I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world. I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church. I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family. Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....
Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 23--moving on
It has come time to move on. I have finally gotten a call back from my family member and we spent a good long time talking today. When you have a few layers of miscommunication, and each attempt adds a layer, it takes a while to get down to what the real issues are. I was right, the little issue that should have been a simple conversation about miscommunication was truly a simple misunderstanding. But it WAS the underlying more problematic issue that was complicating matters. Though I was the one that saw it as underlying and they were considering it THE issue. Which was one of the other layers of miscommunication. I was trying to address the one simple communication glitch to get a simple answer, and they were dealing with that as on off shoot of the other issue. Well, needless to say, it was a long and difficult though very beneficial conversation. I was very glad to finally clear that up. It is going to take a while to let go of the residual emotions, and of course let go of the places where we do not agree. It was time to move on, I had already made that decision before the conversation. So it is providence that we were able to have the conversation that makes it possible to move on fully.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Day 23--Good Grief!!
Good Grief!! I forgot to do my weigh in again. I know you are probably thinking that I am afraid of my weigh in given the emotional eating pattern I have had over the past few days. I have actually made it to almost noon and have not cried today, so that is good. I did spend a lot of time with my feelings last night and this morning, I have done some exercises to let things go. I was actually able to sleep last night and meditate a bit this morning. So, slowly the fog is clearing, and I am moving back up the emotional ladder. Acceptance is sometimes a very hard thing, but it is part of letting go and moving forward. So i have accepted this situation, forgiven myself and my family member for each of the roles we have played. I let my sister know that when she is ready to talk, that I am ready to as well. And that she can take whatever time she needs. So, I am at a better place with all this. No, the situation itself has not changed, and there is still a lot of work to do no both of our parts to heal this rift that has opened between us, but I am finally okay with the rift, I am okay with the situation. It is what it is, and in time all wounds heal. So I am taking some steps up the emotional ladder, and waking up my life again after a few days where I have been separate from it.
As for my title and the expression "Good Grief" yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it. While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind. So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.
I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning. While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now. Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely.
If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks. It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given". The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love. I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning. I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here. That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly. It can be found here.
As for my title and the expression "Good Grief" yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it. While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind. So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.
I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning. While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now. Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely.
If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks. It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given". The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love. I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning. I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here. That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly. It can be found here.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 22--I forgot to weigh in this morning
This weekend was very emotionally challenging, and I feel very drained. So I have not slept well, and as such I was an idiot this morning and forgot to do my weigh in. I hope you all can forgive me for that. I will weigh in tomorrow, and post a pic of the weigh in.
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day 20--a hard day
The effects of the situation that I talked about yesterday have been festering in my mind. I had horrible insomnia last night--perseverating on a situation that I have no way to change and have tried multiple approaches to discuss the issue. but if the other person refuses to address it, there is nothing I can do. At this point, the side effect of NOT being able to dialog with a person who is UNWILLING to dialog has left me feeling deep grief. I feel like I have lost my family member because of this.
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness
Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.) It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation. I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself. There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it. The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily).
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Day whatever--18 I think it is, it's been a LOOOOONG day
SO...Today was abit of a crazy day (why does it seem I say that lot). In the end though it turned out to be a GOOD GOOD day.
So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany. As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...). so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment. So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond. It was a nice, though crisp, morning. I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz. Then I headed for the path around the pond. I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon. So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign). It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc... (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead). So it was a good releasing walk.
Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast. I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station. And I had a bottle of water already in my car. After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing. I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused.
Anyway, I was at the library and A called. We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to. I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those. Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex? Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent? Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship? Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?" Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really. It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more. So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done." And A was okay with that. So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me. We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other. I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut. I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need. That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too. It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet. The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down. Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves. Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.
After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short. So I did not get as much done as I wanted to. Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch. So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch. It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past. It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit). The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.
Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office. You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur) If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment. So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late. I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together. I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off to fold and the big wheels pop off as well. So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building. It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week). I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way. But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God. A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at the time). It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book. But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me. Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.
So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow. We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group. If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch. My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous. I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed.... That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.
Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!! The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids. A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone. It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up. J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor. J's lung sound good. He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks. He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand. It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop. That is a very good body awareness. however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit. But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him. So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises. He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to. J still has an undetified skin issue. He really needs to see another dermatologist. But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds. So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.
Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc. We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer. I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad. So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT. I LIKE this doc. That is a huge relief. (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).
On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good). I had a bottle of water in the car as well. We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic. So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home. I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!? So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!! but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight). So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.
So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc...
So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it. And a couple fo cups of water. I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe. So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food. So not a good eating day overall. My body, brain and spirit are tired. I really have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors. It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.
Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed. I know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there). So, tata for now...
So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany. As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...). so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment. So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond. It was a nice, though crisp, morning. I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz. Then I headed for the path around the pond. I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon. So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign). It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc... (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead). So it was a good releasing walk.
Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast. I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station. And I had a bottle of water already in my car. After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing. I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused.
Anyway, I was at the library and A called. We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to. I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those. Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex? Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent? Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship? Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?" Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really. It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more. So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done." And A was okay with that. So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me. We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other. I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut. I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need. That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too. It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet. The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down. Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves. Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.
After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short. So I did not get as much done as I wanted to. Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch. So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch. It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past. It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit). The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.
Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office. You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur) If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment. So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late. I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together. I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off to fold and the big wheels pop off as well. So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building. It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week). I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way. But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God. A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at the time). It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book. But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me. Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.
So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow. We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group. If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch. My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous. I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed.... That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.
Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!! The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids. A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone. It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up. J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor. J's lung sound good. He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks. He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand. It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop. That is a very good body awareness. however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit. But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him. So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises. He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to. J still has an undetified skin issue. He really needs to see another dermatologist. But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds. So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.
Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc. We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer. I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad. So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT. I LIKE this doc. That is a huge relief. (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).
On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good). I had a bottle of water in the car as well. We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic. So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home. I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!? So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!! but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight). So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.
So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc...
So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it. And a couple fo cups of water. I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe. So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food. So not a good eating day overall. My body, brain and spirit are tired. I really have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors. It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.
Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed. I know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there). So, tata for now...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day 17 (right?)
Sorry for the over 24 hours without an update (I know I don't have you waiting on the edge of your seatrs, but it is fun to pretend...).
Okay so yesterday just was a really long day. After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine). So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged). I just had been planning on my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit. So more stress on top of a stressful day.
Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today). So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun.
We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad. then cake and ice cream for dessert.
It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today. Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year. I was a few minutes late for it. It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting. J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it. He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will). So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic. But he does work hard. the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility. He is sucha gem. Overall the meeting went very well.
After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session. I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go. I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not.
So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.
**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day. I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf. I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water. I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.
Okay so yesterday just was a really long day. After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine). So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged). I just had been planning on my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit. So more stress on top of a stressful day.
Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today). So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun.
We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad. then cake and ice cream for dessert.
It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today. Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year. I was a few minutes late for it. It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting. J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it. He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will). So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic. But he does work hard. the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility. He is sucha gem. Overall the meeting went very well.
After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session. I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go. I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not.
So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.
**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day. I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf. I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water. I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day16--Breathing, breathing
WELL!!!
It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....
I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices. Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home? I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited.
So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all. I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration. So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care. SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do.
So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears. So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds. There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head. The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt. So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin). So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful. It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit. I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff. Every little bit helps.
So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully). I also had a bottle of water.
After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on). So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.
For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me. With a bottle of water of course.
And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.
It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....
I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices. Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home? I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited.
So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all. I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration. So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care. SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do.
So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears. So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds. There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head. The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt. So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin). So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful. It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit. I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff. Every little bit helps.
So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully). I also had a bottle of water.
After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on). So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.
For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me. With a bottle of water of course.
And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Weekly Weigh in Week 2
Okay, so I know you all wanted a picture of my feet on the scale, but alas my camera batteries were dead this morning when I went to take the picture. I WILL buy batteries today and take a pic tomorrow morning to show how incredible just journaling my food intake has been (without being super strict with what I eat--yes I think about what I eat, but as you have seen, I have not really been "dieting").
So dadada, this morning the scale said 291lbs. That is 8 pounds lost from last Monday's weigh in and 14 pounds down from my initial weigh in on March 14th.
So a Total of 14 pounds in 14 days!
So technically I am right on track for my 80 lbs in 80 days.
However, I do know that most of this weight loss is the first stage, which is loss of my stored glycogen. I have written an article (warnign I did not proffread well before submitting it so there are a LOT of typos) on this which you can rad by clicking this title:
Glycogen: The Reason to Rejoice in Losing "Water Weight"
So, as I am probably just about out of stored glycogen (well I know I store new every day, but I am talking the massive amounts I have been hanging on to for a while), now I can start burning stored fat. As fat is more than twice as energetic as glycogen, AND is not stored with massive amounts of water, it is actually going to take more actual effort on my part to keep the numbers going down.
I am just so happy that I am off to a great start. That Journaling my food intake honestly has actually STOPPED me from eating some things when I really was not hungry. These two weeks where I have been focusing more on why I eat and just observing what I eat have been very helpful to me in determining what my negative food habits and negative food relationships are. Because I am now clear that I eat to bury anger, I eat more than I want to even when I am not hungry because I hate to "waste" food, and I have this "because it was there" eating habit going on, now I know three of the primary mental/emotional/spiritual places that I can start from.
I truly believe that aside from those few extra pounds that people tend to gain and lose and gain and lose, if you are overweight, the root of your problem is NOT that you are eating too much--THAT IS A SYMPTOM of a much larger issue in your life. Just focusing on eating less or dieting is not going to bring the lasting change you are seeking. There are underlying feelings, traumas, and buried ingrained ideas and habits that you are carrying that may not be in your best interest. The key to becoming healthy is to recognize that it is ALL parts of you that need to work together.
So I am solidly in a good feeling place, having lost 4.6% of my overall body weight in two weeks. I have a clear set of three non-physical areas that I can consciously work on to support my goal of achieving a healthy body, mind, and spirit. And I have a handful of tools that I can use to work on those areas including:
Prayer and meditation; EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique); Breathing exercises; and Letting Go (I have added a few links on the side to some books and stuff that I find helpful to me in these). UPDATE: I am adding a page to my website so that I don't have a ton of stuff in the margin of this blog. So check out this page Useful Resources to explore futher. (note: I'll take the links down later when I have more time as I have to leave now and have not finished adding links ot the website page.)
I also have spent time researching what vitamins and herbal supplements can help support my body and help control my blood sugar while I go through this transformation process. Supporting Mind, Body, Spirit, and emotions is vital to effecting true change. I am so glad that I have committed to this journey. And I am glad that you have chosen to walk beside me as I go forward! Welcome to my world.
So dadada, this morning the scale said 291lbs. That is 8 pounds lost from last Monday's weigh in and 14 pounds down from my initial weigh in on March 14th.
So a Total of 14 pounds in 14 days!
So technically I am right on track for my 80 lbs in 80 days.
However, I do know that most of this weight loss is the first stage, which is loss of my stored glycogen. I have written an article (warnign I did not proffread well before submitting it so there are a LOT of typos) on this which you can rad by clicking this title:
Glycogen: The Reason to Rejoice in Losing "Water Weight"
So, as I am probably just about out of stored glycogen (well I know I store new every day, but I am talking the massive amounts I have been hanging on to for a while), now I can start burning stored fat. As fat is more than twice as energetic as glycogen, AND is not stored with massive amounts of water, it is actually going to take more actual effort on my part to keep the numbers going down.
I am just so happy that I am off to a great start. That Journaling my food intake honestly has actually STOPPED me from eating some things when I really was not hungry. These two weeks where I have been focusing more on why I eat and just observing what I eat have been very helpful to me in determining what my negative food habits and negative food relationships are. Because I am now clear that I eat to bury anger, I eat more than I want to even when I am not hungry because I hate to "waste" food, and I have this "because it was there" eating habit going on, now I know three of the primary mental/emotional/spiritual places that I can start from.
I truly believe that aside from those few extra pounds that people tend to gain and lose and gain and lose, if you are overweight, the root of your problem is NOT that you are eating too much--THAT IS A SYMPTOM of a much larger issue in your life. Just focusing on eating less or dieting is not going to bring the lasting change you are seeking. There are underlying feelings, traumas, and buried ingrained ideas and habits that you are carrying that may not be in your best interest. The key to becoming healthy is to recognize that it is ALL parts of you that need to work together.
So I am solidly in a good feeling place, having lost 4.6% of my overall body weight in two weeks. I have a clear set of three non-physical areas that I can consciously work on to support my goal of achieving a healthy body, mind, and spirit. And I have a handful of tools that I can use to work on those areas including:
Prayer and meditation; EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique); Breathing exercises; and Letting Go (I have added a few links on the side to some books and stuff that I find helpful to me in these). UPDATE: I am adding a page to my website so that I don't have a ton of stuff in the margin of this blog. So check out this page Useful Resources to explore futher. (note: I'll take the links down later when I have more time as I have to leave now and have not finished adding links ot the website page.)
I also have spent time researching what vitamins and herbal supplements can help support my body and help control my blood sugar while I go through this transformation process. Supporting Mind, Body, Spirit, and emotions is vital to effecting true change. I am so glad that I have committed to this journey. And I am glad that you have chosen to walk beside me as I go forward! Welcome to my world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)