Have you ever had one of those self-conversations that you have out of habit? You know, where you talk to yourself in your head about something? And you have the same thing to say everyday? Okay, so...
I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing. And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:
{sit down} "whew! Ahh. <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."
I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it. And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....
I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...
Well, there is something that is new. That is a step in the right direction.
In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day. But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen. So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction. I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly. Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress. After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?
I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago. But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).
So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week. My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...). So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well). On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it. So they passed on a brand new blender to me. You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out. I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits. But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.
Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party. Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years. She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won. She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs. The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more. Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances. So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group. So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig. They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency. They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end. It was a great night.
A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...). So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed. I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up. It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me. As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a ride home with A. So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds). By then it was around 11:15pm. I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late). I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep. (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going).
So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted. I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it. It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again. Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me. To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment).
It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing. I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life. If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea. If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes. It is time to reboot my life. While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes). So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables. And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.
So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit. (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping). Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up. It was tastier than I thought it would be. I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them. I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong). the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.
It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner. I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while.
I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body. For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans. No canned food. No processed foods. No meat or dairy. Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground. While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body. I plan to very rarely have processed foods again. And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too. While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again. So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets. I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been. I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...
So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina
I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower. As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier). It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty. I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.
I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit. When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.
so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation. Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Okay, so I HAVEN'T figured out how to post from the cell phone....
Well, It has been a busy week and I had thought I had sent a couple of posts from my cell phone, short ones, but little updates. However, it seems they never materialized on this blog, so I guess I have NOT figured out how to do quick blog posts via text. Oh well...
This past week, the kids were on a short summer vacation between the end of the regular school year and the beginning of summer school, which started today. We had a pretty low key week last week--hung out at home, splashed around in the kiddie pool on a couple of hot days, played video games and watched movies on rainy days, visited with my father, stopped down to coffee at my sister's house, walked up town for ice cream at the Ice Cream Garden (less than 1/3 of a mile, first downhill then up a slowly slopping hill). On the way there (which is mostly uphill) Gonzo said to me "mom this is way too far to walk", so I told him that he takes more actual steps running around the house than we were taking getting ice cream (the child never stops moving). Josiah was in his wheel chair. While he is getting very good with his walker and doing some amazing things, that is WAY too far for him to even attempt. So he got a nice ride. We walked past the lake, which is near our house, and which is always pretty. After ice cream we walked home, mostly down hill and past the lake again. Gonzo did not complain at all about walking downhill. We stopped by the little playground next to the lake and played--Josiah loves the swings and is strong and stable enough now to be on a regular swing, so he had a blast, and Gonzo climbed and crawled and did the monkey bars and slides. We then collected some rocks to toss into the water. Then walked the last 100 feet to our house. Gonzo was able to cut through the woods (a thick bunch of trees and large rocks at the bottom of the hill that creates a visual barrier to the road) to cross the yard when we were in sight of the house, which made Josiah a little jealous, as he wanted to do that too. But there was no way for me to get his chair through the little path, as you have to go over and around some boulders and between tree trunks.
Then this weekend we went camping at Garnet Lake, a little lake kind of in the middle of nowhere, except that a LOT of people have seasonal homes and such around the lake. My sisters grabbed a couple of the campsites, and between the two campsites we ended up with 12 tents and 27 people (if I counted right). In addition to my sisters and their families (One sister had she and her boyfriend and the two little kids, and the other sister had three tents--one for them, one for the girls, and one for the boys as her kids are in the teens & tweens, and brought friends too). In addition to family, another family that is a friend of one of my sister's and comes every year ended up bringing a lot of friends and family with them. I was glad that I was not set up at the big main site, as there ended up being a lot of people who did not have kids there, and they used the camping time as a drunk fest, which is so not what I want my kids around.
Overall, my family decided that next year, we are not camping with them again, as it really was not what we were looking for. My one sister and her friend have done this camping trip together on 4th of July weekend for over 7 years (this is the first year I have gone for overnight, I have visited to spend the day before). But the other group is just not a very family friendly group. So next year, my sisters and I agreed we would find a different camping spot for our 4th of July camping trip. Don't get me wrong, the trip was great. The boys and I got there late on Friday and set up our tent at the smaller site with my one sister and her kids (the one with older kids), my dad set up there too, then we cooked dinner at the main site, and I met a bunch of the people who were set up there. Most of them had been there since morning. After dinner we roasted marshmallows, made smores, and later went down to the beach area, and one of the guys set off a couple of fireworks. Then I put my kids to bed. At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to hang out with everyone at the main site, but it was actually very peaceful to sit by my own campfire and relax int eh calm. My one sister, whom I had had some strained relationship with earlier this year, came down too and we spend some times just hanging out by the fire (hers were the tents that were in that site also. Then Saturday we got up and went up to the main site, cooked breakfast over the fire, and hung out with everyone for a while. Then most of us with kids (and a few without) went down to the beach area. We swam and played in the water. some of us brought snacks and stuff down, my dad started the campfire that was at the beach area, and we canoed and kayaked and swam and tubed most of the day. Josiah got really sleepy, in the afternoon so I took him across the road to our tent, and layed down with him and Gonzo. My mom arrived as we were heading up for the nap. A little while later, while the boys were still sleeping she came up to the site and we chatted for a while. I had to wake the boys up for dinner when my nephew came down to tell us that dinner was ready in the main site. So we headed there for dinner and chatted with everyone. there was a steep hill that lead from the main flat area of the campsite up to a path to the outhouse and them up further to a couple more tent sites. Some of the kids had been going up and down the hill during the day, just playing, but then Josiah wanted to go up the hill. He was pushing his walker and started slipping and I said to him "bud, I know you want to go up there, but I don't think you are ready for that yet" (it was a very long, very steep hill with lots of roots and rocks, hard even for fully able bodied kids to walk up). He looked right at me and said "oh yes I am!" and I walked behind him as he amazed me, and everyone else by making all the way to the top of this difficult path. It took quite a bit of time and a lot of work on his part, but he did it!! I wished I had a video camera or even a regular camera. He was amazing. coming back down was actually harder because, well it is steep with rocks and roots, and he was walking with a walker. so I did a lot more catching and repositioning of him on the way back down taking it only 2-3 feet at a time so we didn't tumbled down the hill. He made it to the top ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! People clapped as he came back down, even people who didn't know him. Everyone was amazed by his determination--what a champion that boy is!!! He'll climb mountains someday, without my help.
We did fireworks at the beach that night, but Josiah and I stayed up at the main site, as he was afraid of the noise. He has a lot of noise sensitivity because he has some patchy hearing loss, making him oversensitive to certain sounds. So he and I watch through the trees with my hands glued over his ears so he could enjoy the fireworks. Last year when we went to the circus I brought ear plugs (actually I had my step father pick up ear plugs for Josiah). He could actually enjoy the circus without being terrified of what loud sound was going to startle him next. Gonzo is also sound sensitive, so he liked the ear plugs too. I wish I had brought them for the camping, but I did not know there were going to be fireworks. Overall, it was a great trip. We left Sunday morning after breakfast to go home so the kids could spend time with A. We got home and had dinner, and then went to the parade in town. The parade ended at the park by the lake by our house. They had live music, which we could hear from home, so we had free entertainment. The town fireworks are set off by the lake right next to our house (through the woods). and the fireworks actually go right over the house, so we just set up our chairs int he front yard and enjoyed the fireworks Sunday night from home with A. My brother came for a bit and then met up with friends down by the lake. the rest of my family was still camping. Like last year, pieces of the fireworks kept bouncing off the roof. Only one firework ended up coming in too low and still flaming as the pieces landed around the house and yard, but they went out quickly on their own (last year we had some we had to stomp on). On Monday we did some running around, I had left my tent at the camp site for my nephew to use and to dry out as it rained on Sunday, and we went to pack it up Monday (its about 45 minutes from our house) and A wanted to see the camping area. When we got there, my family had already cleared out, and did me a favor of taking my tent with them (which I did not know), so we stopped first at my one sisters house (only about 10 miles from the camp site and only 1 mile off the road we needed to take anyway), and chatted with her. I am glad we left on Sunday as the crowd got really rowdy and not pleasant with the addition of a couple of extra people on Sunday evening, and my sister and her husband ended up going to the little campsite with their kids early, while my other sister just took her kids to bed as they were set up at the main site. So I missed to less pleasant part of the camp trip. Then we just came home and made burgers and hung out.
I put the kids to bed early as they started their summer programs today and I wanted them to be well rested. J is in a different classroom for the summer, one more mainstream than the one he was used to , though he already knew the teacher and half the kids where in his room before, so not a huge switch for him. G on the other hand in in a totally new setting. As his self contained classroom is run through BOCES but housed in a regular school, he is normally at the smaller elementary school. But the summer program pools all of the kids from all five counties who need the summer program (as so few of them qualify for it) and they pool them at the main BOCES building. So it is a much larger building, totally different setting, different teacher, different kids, different aid, etc.... As Gonzo usually had a honeymoon period when faced with a new situation, and is a bit more withdrawn while he gets the lay of the land, I am betting he will do alright for the six weeks. Today and tomorrow might be little rocky, as he was quite withdrawn when I left. Which I suppose is better than full blown acting out. Ahhh....the joys of autism.... (said facetiously, of course)....
I think he will do okay. He had a one to one aid for the summer, and qualified teachers and assistants in the room. I am a little worried about what new behaviors he will pick up from the new kids, as he has a knack for adopting the most challenging behaviors he can find, and with all new kids,a ll who have issues, there are going to be new behaviours for him to test out and add to his already extensive repertoire. And I sure he will add some to other kids arsenals too--share and share alike. Enough with the truthful jesting now....I hope that he finds a friend in this program. He is starting to actually want a friend, and to realize that most kids have friends. With a new infusion of kids, I am hoping that he can hit it off with one of the kids and find a common interest. His pure fascination with bugs may find a fellow budding entomologist among the summer school kids. It would be great for him to make a friend.
Well, I best pack it up. The schedules for the kids do not work well. They both had to be dropped off at 8:15 and picked up at 1:45. And their school programs fro the summer are 20 minutes apart. The joys of having to be in two places at once. Well, G's program lets out between 1:45 and 2:00. So, after talking with the teachers this morning, I will be dropping J off first a little early and dropping G off a little late each morning, then picking J up a little early and picking G up a little later. So they are both offset by a little bit. Hopefully it will all work out. Today we have to pick up Josiah's new glasses at the eye doctor at 2:45.
AND my sister and her family from South Carolina arrives today for their annual summer visit (I have 3 sisters and one brother). They will be here five days. AND my mom's CD release party is on Saturday--her first CD--a life long dream come true for her. So it is going to be a very busy week....
This past week, the kids were on a short summer vacation between the end of the regular school year and the beginning of summer school, which started today. We had a pretty low key week last week--hung out at home, splashed around in the kiddie pool on a couple of hot days, played video games and watched movies on rainy days, visited with my father, stopped down to coffee at my sister's house, walked up town for ice cream at the Ice Cream Garden (less than 1/3 of a mile, first downhill then up a slowly slopping hill). On the way there (which is mostly uphill) Gonzo said to me "mom this is way too far to walk", so I told him that he takes more actual steps running around the house than we were taking getting ice cream (the child never stops moving). Josiah was in his wheel chair. While he is getting very good with his walker and doing some amazing things, that is WAY too far for him to even attempt. So he got a nice ride. We walked past the lake, which is near our house, and which is always pretty. After ice cream we walked home, mostly down hill and past the lake again. Gonzo did not complain at all about walking downhill. We stopped by the little playground next to the lake and played--Josiah loves the swings and is strong and stable enough now to be on a regular swing, so he had a blast, and Gonzo climbed and crawled and did the monkey bars and slides. We then collected some rocks to toss into the water. Then walked the last 100 feet to our house. Gonzo was able to cut through the woods (a thick bunch of trees and large rocks at the bottom of the hill that creates a visual barrier to the road) to cross the yard when we were in sight of the house, which made Josiah a little jealous, as he wanted to do that too. But there was no way for me to get his chair through the little path, as you have to go over and around some boulders and between tree trunks.
Then this weekend we went camping at Garnet Lake, a little lake kind of in the middle of nowhere, except that a LOT of people have seasonal homes and such around the lake. My sisters grabbed a couple of the campsites, and between the two campsites we ended up with 12 tents and 27 people (if I counted right). In addition to my sisters and their families (One sister had she and her boyfriend and the two little kids, and the other sister had three tents--one for them, one for the girls, and one for the boys as her kids are in the teens & tweens, and brought friends too). In addition to family, another family that is a friend of one of my sister's and comes every year ended up bringing a lot of friends and family with them. I was glad that I was not set up at the big main site, as there ended up being a lot of people who did not have kids there, and they used the camping time as a drunk fest, which is so not what I want my kids around.
Overall, my family decided that next year, we are not camping with them again, as it really was not what we were looking for. My one sister and her friend have done this camping trip together on 4th of July weekend for over 7 years (this is the first year I have gone for overnight, I have visited to spend the day before). But the other group is just not a very family friendly group. So next year, my sisters and I agreed we would find a different camping spot for our 4th of July camping trip. Don't get me wrong, the trip was great. The boys and I got there late on Friday and set up our tent at the smaller site with my one sister and her kids (the one with older kids), my dad set up there too, then we cooked dinner at the main site, and I met a bunch of the people who were set up there. Most of them had been there since morning. After dinner we roasted marshmallows, made smores, and later went down to the beach area, and one of the guys set off a couple of fireworks. Then I put my kids to bed. At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to hang out with everyone at the main site, but it was actually very peaceful to sit by my own campfire and relax int eh calm. My one sister, whom I had had some strained relationship with earlier this year, came down too and we spend some times just hanging out by the fire (hers were the tents that were in that site also. Then Saturday we got up and went up to the main site, cooked breakfast over the fire, and hung out with everyone for a while. Then most of us with kids (and a few without) went down to the beach area. We swam and played in the water. some of us brought snacks and stuff down, my dad started the campfire that was at the beach area, and we canoed and kayaked and swam and tubed most of the day. Josiah got really sleepy, in the afternoon so I took him across the road to our tent, and layed down with him and Gonzo. My mom arrived as we were heading up for the nap. A little while later, while the boys were still sleeping she came up to the site and we chatted for a while. I had to wake the boys up for dinner when my nephew came down to tell us that dinner was ready in the main site. So we headed there for dinner and chatted with everyone. there was a steep hill that lead from the main flat area of the campsite up to a path to the outhouse and them up further to a couple more tent sites. Some of the kids had been going up and down the hill during the day, just playing, but then Josiah wanted to go up the hill. He was pushing his walker and started slipping and I said to him "bud, I know you want to go up there, but I don't think you are ready for that yet" (it was a very long, very steep hill with lots of roots and rocks, hard even for fully able bodied kids to walk up). He looked right at me and said "oh yes I am!" and I walked behind him as he amazed me, and everyone else by making all the way to the top of this difficult path. It took quite a bit of time and a lot of work on his part, but he did it!! I wished I had a video camera or even a regular camera. He was amazing. coming back down was actually harder because, well it is steep with rocks and roots, and he was walking with a walker. so I did a lot more catching and repositioning of him on the way back down taking it only 2-3 feet at a time so we didn't tumbled down the hill. He made it to the top ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! People clapped as he came back down, even people who didn't know him. Everyone was amazed by his determination--what a champion that boy is!!! He'll climb mountains someday, without my help.
We did fireworks at the beach that night, but Josiah and I stayed up at the main site, as he was afraid of the noise. He has a lot of noise sensitivity because he has some patchy hearing loss, making him oversensitive to certain sounds. So he and I watch through the trees with my hands glued over his ears so he could enjoy the fireworks. Last year when we went to the circus I brought ear plugs (actually I had my step father pick up ear plugs for Josiah). He could actually enjoy the circus without being terrified of what loud sound was going to startle him next. Gonzo is also sound sensitive, so he liked the ear plugs too. I wish I had brought them for the camping, but I did not know there were going to be fireworks. Overall, it was a great trip. We left Sunday morning after breakfast to go home so the kids could spend time with A. We got home and had dinner, and then went to the parade in town. The parade ended at the park by the lake by our house. They had live music, which we could hear from home, so we had free entertainment. The town fireworks are set off by the lake right next to our house (through the woods). and the fireworks actually go right over the house, so we just set up our chairs int he front yard and enjoyed the fireworks Sunday night from home with A. My brother came for a bit and then met up with friends down by the lake. the rest of my family was still camping. Like last year, pieces of the fireworks kept bouncing off the roof. Only one firework ended up coming in too low and still flaming as the pieces landed around the house and yard, but they went out quickly on their own (last year we had some we had to stomp on). On Monday we did some running around, I had left my tent at the camp site for my nephew to use and to dry out as it rained on Sunday, and we went to pack it up Monday (its about 45 minutes from our house) and A wanted to see the camping area. When we got there, my family had already cleared out, and did me a favor of taking my tent with them (which I did not know), so we stopped first at my one sisters house (only about 10 miles from the camp site and only 1 mile off the road we needed to take anyway), and chatted with her. I am glad we left on Sunday as the crowd got really rowdy and not pleasant with the addition of a couple of extra people on Sunday evening, and my sister and her husband ended up going to the little campsite with their kids early, while my other sister just took her kids to bed as they were set up at the main site. So I missed to less pleasant part of the camp trip. Then we just came home and made burgers and hung out.
I put the kids to bed early as they started their summer programs today and I wanted them to be well rested. J is in a different classroom for the summer, one more mainstream than the one he was used to , though he already knew the teacher and half the kids where in his room before, so not a huge switch for him. G on the other hand in in a totally new setting. As his self contained classroom is run through BOCES but housed in a regular school, he is normally at the smaller elementary school. But the summer program pools all of the kids from all five counties who need the summer program (as so few of them qualify for it) and they pool them at the main BOCES building. So it is a much larger building, totally different setting, different teacher, different kids, different aid, etc.... As Gonzo usually had a honeymoon period when faced with a new situation, and is a bit more withdrawn while he gets the lay of the land, I am betting he will do alright for the six weeks. Today and tomorrow might be little rocky, as he was quite withdrawn when I left. Which I suppose is better than full blown acting out. Ahhh....the joys of autism.... (said facetiously, of course)....
I think he will do okay. He had a one to one aid for the summer, and qualified teachers and assistants in the room. I am a little worried about what new behaviors he will pick up from the new kids, as he has a knack for adopting the most challenging behaviors he can find, and with all new kids,a ll who have issues, there are going to be new behaviours for him to test out and add to his already extensive repertoire. And I sure he will add some to other kids arsenals too--share and share alike. Enough with the truthful jesting now....I hope that he finds a friend in this program. He is starting to actually want a friend, and to realize that most kids have friends. With a new infusion of kids, I am hoping that he can hit it off with one of the kids and find a common interest. His pure fascination with bugs may find a fellow budding entomologist among the summer school kids. It would be great for him to make a friend.
Well, I best pack it up. The schedules for the kids do not work well. They both had to be dropped off at 8:15 and picked up at 1:45. And their school programs fro the summer are 20 minutes apart. The joys of having to be in two places at once. Well, G's program lets out between 1:45 and 2:00. So, after talking with the teachers this morning, I will be dropping J off first a little early and dropping G off a little late each morning, then picking J up a little early and picking G up a little later. So they are both offset by a little bit. Hopefully it will all work out. Today we have to pick up Josiah's new glasses at the eye doctor at 2:45.
AND my sister and her family from South Carolina arrives today for their annual summer visit (I have 3 sisters and one brother). They will be here five days. AND my mom's CD release party is on Saturday--her first CD--a life long dream come true for her. So it is going to be a very busy week....
Monday, June 27, 2011
The first official day of summer vacation for the boys...
So today is the first official week of summer vacation for the kids. Well, they actually start summer school on July 5th for 6 weeks, but summer programing is more camp-like than the regular school year. So this morning we ran errands--We had to go over to the health department to get fill out my monthly transportation time card so I can get paid for June. While we were there, the boys chatted with their Grandma (My mom works for the health department nursing service in their IT department), and we bumped into the WIC program person. She had some bike helmets still from the early June bike helmet give away and so the boys got fitted for new bike helmets, which is great as they outgrew theirs last year. Now I just need to get G a new bike, as his was crunched under the trailer's porch when it collapsed under the weight of the snow this winter. J's tricycle was unharmed luckily as it was at the apartment. So now G needs a new (used) bike. I was going to go down to the transfer center where there is a little building where people can drop off items that are still good that they just don't want anymore. Hopefully there will be a kids bike there. We will have to wait until Thursday though as we just didn't make it there today, as they are closed tomorrow and Wendnesday.
Anyway, after leaving the county building with my card filled out and turned in, and carrying their new bike helmets, we then headed over to the post office. I finally got another letter from the IRS, and it was good news. The finished their minor audit/review and will be releasing my refund in 2-3 weeks. So HUGE sigh of relief as I have been waiting on that refund (which is larger than normal) for a few months now. As I did not get that jobI had ben in the running for (and no other applications have panned out), this refund is going to be used to pay our living expenses ahead a couple of months to give me more time to generate a way to bring in an income, as the transportation is done once summer school ends. Jos is going to regular, main stream kindergarten in September, and both boys will be transported by bus. SO I have a couple more months to get a couple more writing gigs that pay money and are somewhat stable, and find other ways to fill in the gaps. I could do a money making blog, but I really just like doing this blog, which is kind of like public journaling but with more self-control. I will have to think about how to do a secondary blog if I decide to use it to generate an income. I have a few idea of ways to incorporate more income generating things into my website (powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com), but I am unsure how much I want to focus on generating an income that way, as I enjoy sharing things on that website that mean things to me without the added pressure of making money. While I do have a few affiliate links, they are only for things that I really like and want to share, and some of my links on there have no affiliate kickback whatsoever. I just like to share things that I have found useful on my journey. Perhaps focusing on more articles and promoting the website more will generate some semblance of a useful income. Then there is always the books in progress, but those often take a long time even once finished to get published and start making an income from. I am not too worried, I will come up with something, God always provides, this is something that I know from experience., and the refund to pay ahead is going to reduce stress greatly in the daily living expenses area.
Anyway, after the post office we stopped over at Community Action to get a food box. I am worried that next week we will be hard pressed on gas money to get the kids to their programming, as it is another one of those 5 weeks between paychecks months (darn months with 5 Thursdays, they mess up my budgeting). So I am trying to stretch the funds I have to make it through the 8th. At least I don't have to drive this week, but I do need enough for next week's 400 miles of driving necessity. So we again made use of the food pantry. They were very low on food today though, I was surprised. but then again the economy is not bouncing back very well and here, where summer tourism drives the economy, people are just starting on the summer season. So I imagine there were a number of families that still needed it this month. It is also the end of the month, so pickings get slim as you get nearer to their restocking day. I look forward to when I can give donations again to them again instead of having to be the recipient.
After that we came home and I put a patch on their blow up pool thingy, then we spent a couple hours of fun with the hose and filling the little pool in the back yard. The patch does not seem to be holding very well, but that's okay. I borrowed a hand pump from my former neighbor to blow it up. At some point I want to find an electric air pump, which will make it easier to inflate every day. Time to check the free section of craigslist for both a bike for G and an air pump. I miss the freecycle community from the Ithaca area, what an amazingly active group that was. I both got and gave a great many things through freecyle. But alas, this very rural area does not really lend itself to an active freecyle list. Anyway, the kids had a blast in the kiddie pool, splashing and spraying with the hose. They played in the water quite a bit longer than I thought they would, as the hose is COLD water. But they had a lot of fun. We came in and got dry clothes on, and then the kids watched a video and ate some food.
A mother woodpecker ran into the window and stunned herself. She has a nest of babies in the woods on the other side of the driveway, and boy are those baby's LOUD. She and the father woodpecker work tirelessly bringing food back to the whole in the tree for the little ones. I am not sure how many, as the nest is in a hole in a broken off tree and is over 15 feet up the trunk. I just know that they are loud and the mother is always collecting food for them. They have quieted down over the past couple of days, so they must be getting bigger. Anyway, she was going after a green moth and hit the window hard. We went out to protect her from the dog and cat, who were both interested in getting a closer look. She was stunned but after a few minutes she came around, and was more alert. Nothing appeared broken, and she was not bleeding anywhere. After another few minutes she flew up to hang on the porch ceiling. Then a while after that she flew away. I was glad the kids could see the bird get better. The other day we came home to a dead robin in the same spot. His neck was broken when he ran into the window, the poor little dear.
It is now nearly 5:00. The kids are playing video games, and I was working on entering my food journal for the day. I know I originally started this blog with food journalling, but I got away from them and less consistent in my journalling. I decided to start food journaling in a way that game me more concrete information without having to do a lot of digging. So I starting using Spark People and now I am getting better at keeping track of my food because it gives you a lot of nutritional info tracking as well as calorie tracking and carb, fat, and protein gram tracking. I can even track my glucose levels and water intake, as well as fitness if I can figure that part out. So if you want to follow my food tracking and weight loss, it is on http://my.sparkpeople.com/truthfrees
I had gained back a few pounds from my initial weight loss that I started tracking with this blog, but since I started tracking again last week, I have lost over 5 pounds. So that is a good thing. I definitely have found keeping track of everything you eat makes a huge difference. I also am focused right now on keeping my calories down to around 2000 a day, with the hope that after that becomes the norm in a couple of weeks, I will then focus on the 1800 calorie limit my doctor would like for me. My pre-breakfast glucose levels have also been going down. Though I forgot to take my herbal and alternative supplements yesterday and I saw a rise in my glucose for this morning, so it seems my combination of supplements is having an effect. My doctor is willing to let me try this method for a few months, and if it shows good results, she may be less pressuring about being on certain pharmaceutical meds that I do not like the idea of being on. I told her that if I can not get it under control with diet, exercise and supplements (like cinnamon--that yummy stuff you put on your oatmeal and in cookies, and garlic--another amazingly flavorful food with great medicinal benefit), then I will go on the pharma meds.
Well, at some point I will get back to the story of how life changed when Jos came homes, which I had
started here : Thinking...Part 4
But alas it has taken me nearly two hours to write this post as I have been stopping and doing things with the boys, and dealing with the sibling rivalry issues that are rampant in my house. As well as swinging Jos and tickling the boys, and being silly, not to mention the bird thing and just other things that have popped up since I started this post. So I should end it and start thinking about making dinner...
Anyway, after leaving the county building with my card filled out and turned in, and carrying their new bike helmets, we then headed over to the post office. I finally got another letter from the IRS, and it was good news. The finished their minor audit/review and will be releasing my refund in 2-3 weeks. So HUGE sigh of relief as I have been waiting on that refund (which is larger than normal) for a few months now. As I did not get that jobI had ben in the running for (and no other applications have panned out), this refund is going to be used to pay our living expenses ahead a couple of months to give me more time to generate a way to bring in an income, as the transportation is done once summer school ends. Jos is going to regular, main stream kindergarten in September, and both boys will be transported by bus. SO I have a couple more months to get a couple more writing gigs that pay money and are somewhat stable, and find other ways to fill in the gaps. I could do a money making blog, but I really just like doing this blog, which is kind of like public journaling but with more self-control. I will have to think about how to do a secondary blog if I decide to use it to generate an income. I have a few idea of ways to incorporate more income generating things into my website (powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com), but I am unsure how much I want to focus on generating an income that way, as I enjoy sharing things on that website that mean things to me without the added pressure of making money. While I do have a few affiliate links, they are only for things that I really like and want to share, and some of my links on there have no affiliate kickback whatsoever. I just like to share things that I have found useful on my journey. Perhaps focusing on more articles and promoting the website more will generate some semblance of a useful income. Then there is always the books in progress, but those often take a long time even once finished to get published and start making an income from. I am not too worried, I will come up with something, God always provides, this is something that I know from experience., and the refund to pay ahead is going to reduce stress greatly in the daily living expenses area.
Anyway, after the post office we stopped over at Community Action to get a food box. I am worried that next week we will be hard pressed on gas money to get the kids to their programming, as it is another one of those 5 weeks between paychecks months (darn months with 5 Thursdays, they mess up my budgeting). So I am trying to stretch the funds I have to make it through the 8th. At least I don't have to drive this week, but I do need enough for next week's 400 miles of driving necessity. So we again made use of the food pantry. They were very low on food today though, I was surprised. but then again the economy is not bouncing back very well and here, where summer tourism drives the economy, people are just starting on the summer season. So I imagine there were a number of families that still needed it this month. It is also the end of the month, so pickings get slim as you get nearer to their restocking day. I look forward to when I can give donations again to them again instead of having to be the recipient.
After that we came home and I put a patch on their blow up pool thingy, then we spent a couple hours of fun with the hose and filling the little pool in the back yard. The patch does not seem to be holding very well, but that's okay. I borrowed a hand pump from my former neighbor to blow it up. At some point I want to find an electric air pump, which will make it easier to inflate every day. Time to check the free section of craigslist for both a bike for G and an air pump. I miss the freecycle community from the Ithaca area, what an amazingly active group that was. I both got and gave a great many things through freecyle. But alas, this very rural area does not really lend itself to an active freecyle list. Anyway, the kids had a blast in the kiddie pool, splashing and spraying with the hose. They played in the water quite a bit longer than I thought they would, as the hose is COLD water. But they had a lot of fun. We came in and got dry clothes on, and then the kids watched a video and ate some food.
A mother woodpecker ran into the window and stunned herself. She has a nest of babies in the woods on the other side of the driveway, and boy are those baby's LOUD. She and the father woodpecker work tirelessly bringing food back to the whole in the tree for the little ones. I am not sure how many, as the nest is in a hole in a broken off tree and is over 15 feet up the trunk. I just know that they are loud and the mother is always collecting food for them. They have quieted down over the past couple of days, so they must be getting bigger. Anyway, she was going after a green moth and hit the window hard. We went out to protect her from the dog and cat, who were both interested in getting a closer look. She was stunned but after a few minutes she came around, and was more alert. Nothing appeared broken, and she was not bleeding anywhere. After another few minutes she flew up to hang on the porch ceiling. Then a while after that she flew away. I was glad the kids could see the bird get better. The other day we came home to a dead robin in the same spot. His neck was broken when he ran into the window, the poor little dear.
It is now nearly 5:00. The kids are playing video games, and I was working on entering my food journal for the day. I know I originally started this blog with food journalling, but I got away from them and less consistent in my journalling. I decided to start food journaling in a way that game me more concrete information without having to do a lot of digging. So I starting using Spark People and now I am getting better at keeping track of my food because it gives you a lot of nutritional info tracking as well as calorie tracking and carb, fat, and protein gram tracking. I can even track my glucose levels and water intake, as well as fitness if I can figure that part out. So if you want to follow my food tracking and weight loss, it is on http://my.sparkpeople.com/truthfrees
I had gained back a few pounds from my initial weight loss that I started tracking with this blog, but since I started tracking again last week, I have lost over 5 pounds. So that is a good thing. I definitely have found keeping track of everything you eat makes a huge difference. I also am focused right now on keeping my calories down to around 2000 a day, with the hope that after that becomes the norm in a couple of weeks, I will then focus on the 1800 calorie limit my doctor would like for me. My pre-breakfast glucose levels have also been going down. Though I forgot to take my herbal and alternative supplements yesterday and I saw a rise in my glucose for this morning, so it seems my combination of supplements is having an effect. My doctor is willing to let me try this method for a few months, and if it shows good results, she may be less pressuring about being on certain pharmaceutical meds that I do not like the idea of being on. I told her that if I can not get it under control with diet, exercise and supplements (like cinnamon--that yummy stuff you put on your oatmeal and in cookies, and garlic--another amazingly flavorful food with great medicinal benefit), then I will go on the pharma meds.
Well, at some point I will get back to the story of how life changed when Jos came homes, which I had
started here : Thinking...Part 4
But alas it has taken me nearly two hours to write this post as I have been stopping and doing things with the boys, and dealing with the sibling rivalry issues that are rampant in my house. As well as swinging Jos and tickling the boys, and being silly, not to mention the bird thing and just other things that have popped up since I started this post. So I should end it and start thinking about making dinner...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
WOW, some days are just stressful.....
Well, today is one of those days. G finished up with school yesterday, but Jos still had a regular day today as his last day. I had to replace the rotors and pads on the front brakes. I actually bought the parts and my father was going to do it, but he could not get the rotors off. So I took it to the garage, and it ended up costing $112 JUST IN LABOR as I already gave them the parts for it. I also asked them to remount the tires on the front. as they are wearing unevenly and by switching them around you can get more mileage out of them before i have to come up with the money for new tires and an alignment. But they said they felt the tires were not good enough so they would not do it, which means I need to ask my brother if he can do it. And A's brake pads are completely down to the metal. I don't know why A let them get so far down. At this point the rotors will have to replaced too, when if the pads had been done a week ago, it would have only cost like $20 for the pads. I know it is not my vehicle and I have no reason to feel like it is going to come out of my pocket, but in the trickle down effect that I have from A, if something costs A money, I end up "lending" money for gas and other things to make up the difference. Normally I don't mind giving money to people as I know that in the end, if I need it, they will be there for me as I was for them. But lately I feel like with my ex, the fair exchange of favors has become very one sided. For a while, it was working out fine, I would lend A money to get to the next paycheck (weekly) and at the end of the month, A would get it back to me as I needed to stretch to my next paycheck (which is monthly), but lately the amount I give out and the amount I get back are getting further and further apart, which I can not afford. And A is getting more and more negative again, which just makes me want to scream, because I am trying to get away from the negativity in my life, not draw a whole bunch more in, especially when A has some really great prospects out there right now that should be bringing a MORE positive attitude and feelings. I suppose it goes back to choice, we each choose whether we focus on the negatives in our lives or on the positives. I guess today's post is more of a negative focus for me, from me.....something more for me to think about and adjust in my own attitude...
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Warm days and clean carpets and family roles...
So it has been lovely weather (aside for the persistent rain or drizzle every few hours).. The kids and I actually wore shorts yesterday for the first time. Today was touch chillier, so even though G and I had shorts on early in the day I had him change into pants for the afternoon. The kids were so cute this morning, J was sitting on the toy tractor and G was pushing him around the dandelion filled yard ( I LOVE dandelions, seriously, I think they are happy and beautiful). So it was a gorgeous morning.
Starting last night and finishing up this morning, I empties all the furniture out of the living room (except my blanket chest and some stuff I had in the corner behind it as no one has been in that area for months and I had no where to move it to). I did all this so that the floor was ready for a steam cleaning. Magic Carpet, owned by my mom & step father, did a beautiful job. My step father is very good at making hopelessly messy carpets look 1000X better. So, aside from a problem with miscommunication causing grief between my mother and I, it was a good day.
For some reason I have miscommunication problems with family, most other people in my life seem to understand me, but if email is involved (and half the time even face to face conversation) there is bound to be miscommunication somewhere, and this one started our as a miscommunication face to face (talking about a particular thing which related to carpet cleaning, but somehow the two got tied together), over five different conversations (where I had hoped to unhook the two ideas), and I tried to do one final clear up via email to my step-father, and made it go from bad to worse--so there are days I feel like i am cursed when it comes to communication with my family. Because how can something as simple as discussing a carpet to be cleaned lead to five confusing conversations and a final email that is meant to clear up the confusion, thus causing hurt, anger and more confusion. But, well it is family, and I will keep trying to express myself more clearly.
I am loquacious (in case you hadn't noticed by the volume of my writings), and so I do have a tendency to be confusing (as so many different things relate to each other in my mind, but not in other peoples minds, and I tend to talk about more than one idea at a time--which leads to the unplanned wedding of a couple of different things, which I have trouble undoing. So I need to keep working on myself and trying to find a way to communicate with them more effectively. Perhaps other have had issues with my communication but have just never reacted drastically to it. Most people tell me I have good communication skills and convey my thoughts well.
I suppose when it comes to family, well, they are a whole different ball game. In an article called "Branching Out: Going home for the holidays can mean getting stuck in old family patterns -- or growing into something new." By Sally Kempton in the November 2010 issue of Yoga Journal (page 55-61), she states "If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family." She talks about how when you go back to your family of origin, you are wrapped in all of the joys and sorrow, successes and failures, pride and disappointment, and all of the other experiences that you had gone through together. Later Kempton said, "Memories, rivalries, and disappointments are only a piece of it. More basic is the forced encounter with parts of yourself that you thought you outgrew years ago, and the equally insidious confrontation with the ideas that family members have about who you are."
This idea has been set forth by many people. That your family of origin can never really see or understand the person you have become, because their unconscious expectations of you (and yours of them) are rooted in many of the growth experiences from your growing up. The buttons that you have were mostly installed by the family you grew up in, so they are more likely to push those old buttons or, if you have worked on deactivating some of those buttons, they may just expect you to react a certain way and react accordingly. I have a not so unconscious expectation that my mother can not understand me, and can never fully know who I am. Much of this comes from her telling me that she just can't understand me as I went through my teen years, and her often frustrated exasperation about how I am so much like my father. Which was exasperating to her, as she never really did understand my father. I find it to be a compliment mostly as I adore my father, and I know that he is one of only a handful of people who truly has a mind that works the way mine does (not that we think the same, as we differ on a lot of opinions about a wide range of topics, but rather the way we process and use information, the pattern of our thought processes, is very similar). I have come to understand that our particular pattern of thought processing is fairly unique, which is why i have taken to explaining things in detail when trying to convey information, as I find people used to have trouble following me. In college I met my friend Lisa and we shared this unique way of processing, so I loved our conversations, no need to explain the weird jumps we made. Others would be so lost, but we got each other, and it was such a rare and wonderful thing. I miss her, as it has been a long time since I have talked to her, just because life grew us apart. I still keep in brief touch through email and her husband's facebook page (she is too busy to have one of her own), but I long for a nice long conversation over lunch. My best friend from college, Kay, who is still my best friend now nearly 19 years later, has known me long enough and spent enough time with me, that she can usually follow my weird conversational jumps without me having to use a segway, which is pretty amazing too.
Anyway, away from that aside, I was saying, there is a large body of articles and papers out there regarding this phenomenon with adults dealing again with their fairly of origin and finding so many old road blocks and relationship discomforts coming to the forefront. I believe it does have a lot to do with old memories, buried feelings, expectations based on a persons behaviour from years before, and the inability to mesh the newer identify o the person onto our preconceived notions of them. Lord knows that when I can step back and try to look with new eyes, I learn a lot about myself and my family member that I just couldn't see before. I think my communication difficulties with my family speak to both my perception of them (or more honestly my perception of their perception of me) and of their perception of me (or their perception of my perception of them). It is all very confusing and exhausting in so many ways.
I have many times in the past year, wondered about how wise it was to try to move back home after 17 years of living as an adult on my own (or with friends or near certain family members--basically living away from home). 17 years is a long time, and a person changes a lot in 17 years, not at their core, but how they express and experience, and share that core changes greatly in that time. Now, only 2 years back home, and without a social life outside of family and far away friends (anyone that tells you raising two kids with special needs does not drastically alter their ability to have a life outside of the kids sure does not have my kids--it is extremely isolating, especially the medical issues when they are very young (J) and the behavioural issues of autism which do the opposite of improving with age (G)). But as J gets older and G is trying as much as he is able, I am hoping that the tide on this will begin to switch soon.
Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the past two years living at home (well in my own place, but it is such a small town, it is nearly the same as moving back home with the parents) I am finding that much of my sense of self and my self-confidence has been eroding back to that teen-age level, and as I have very few fond memories of my high school self and had less self-confidence than you can imagine (like many geeky, flabby teenagers), this is not a desirable direction to be moving in.
So my communication ability with my family seems to be reverting back to those old levels, where I always felt misunderstood and alone, and I think this is God's ways of opening my eyes to the regression that I am undergoing. It was this weird, month long communication glitch with my mom, which I do not like as I really like the friendship my mom and I have and have been continuously building, that has made me look inward at what is going on with me. I think it may be time for me to move on again. To stand back on my own two feet without worrying about what other people think of the path that I take. To get back to reclaiming myself and building an amazing person instead of reverting slowly back to that person that i did not like. To move forward and build strong, respectful connections with my family based on the incredible (though never perfect) person I know I am not the teenager I used to be.
There is actually a lot more I would love to put down on paper (like the analogy of quicksand and living in this particular limbo, the harder you try to fight against it the faster it seems to pull you down, so needing to calm down and focus on finding a stick that I can reach to pull myself up with), but I am really tired and I have to get up early to try to put the furniture back in the living room before I wake the kids. The floor takes 12-14 hours to dry, but the air is so damp it is taking longer than I had expected.
So I am off to bed now.
Starting last night and finishing up this morning, I empties all the furniture out of the living room (except my blanket chest and some stuff I had in the corner behind it as no one has been in that area for months and I had no where to move it to). I did all this so that the floor was ready for a steam cleaning. Magic Carpet, owned by my mom & step father, did a beautiful job. My step father is very good at making hopelessly messy carpets look 1000X better. So, aside from a problem with miscommunication causing grief between my mother and I, it was a good day.
For some reason I have miscommunication problems with family, most other people in my life seem to understand me, but if email is involved (and half the time even face to face conversation) there is bound to be miscommunication somewhere, and this one started our as a miscommunication face to face (talking about a particular thing which related to carpet cleaning, but somehow the two got tied together), over five different conversations (where I had hoped to unhook the two ideas), and I tried to do one final clear up via email to my step-father, and made it go from bad to worse--so there are days I feel like i am cursed when it comes to communication with my family. Because how can something as simple as discussing a carpet to be cleaned lead to five confusing conversations and a final email that is meant to clear up the confusion, thus causing hurt, anger and more confusion. But, well it is family, and I will keep trying to express myself more clearly.
I am loquacious (in case you hadn't noticed by the volume of my writings), and so I do have a tendency to be confusing (as so many different things relate to each other in my mind, but not in other peoples minds, and I tend to talk about more than one idea at a time--which leads to the unplanned wedding of a couple of different things, which I have trouble undoing. So I need to keep working on myself and trying to find a way to communicate with them more effectively. Perhaps other have had issues with my communication but have just never reacted drastically to it. Most people tell me I have good communication skills and convey my thoughts well.
I suppose when it comes to family, well, they are a whole different ball game. In an article called "Branching Out: Going home for the holidays can mean getting stuck in old family patterns -- or growing into something new." By Sally Kempton in the November 2010 issue of Yoga Journal (page 55-61), she states "If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family." She talks about how when you go back to your family of origin, you are wrapped in all of the joys and sorrow, successes and failures, pride and disappointment, and all of the other experiences that you had gone through together. Later Kempton said, "Memories, rivalries, and disappointments are only a piece of it. More basic is the forced encounter with parts of yourself that you thought you outgrew years ago, and the equally insidious confrontation with the ideas that family members have about who you are."
This idea has been set forth by many people. That your family of origin can never really see or understand the person you have become, because their unconscious expectations of you (and yours of them) are rooted in many of the growth experiences from your growing up. The buttons that you have were mostly installed by the family you grew up in, so they are more likely to push those old buttons or, if you have worked on deactivating some of those buttons, they may just expect you to react a certain way and react accordingly. I have a not so unconscious expectation that my mother can not understand me, and can never fully know who I am. Much of this comes from her telling me that she just can't understand me as I went through my teen years, and her often frustrated exasperation about how I am so much like my father. Which was exasperating to her, as she never really did understand my father. I find it to be a compliment mostly as I adore my father, and I know that he is one of only a handful of people who truly has a mind that works the way mine does (not that we think the same, as we differ on a lot of opinions about a wide range of topics, but rather the way we process and use information, the pattern of our thought processes, is very similar). I have come to understand that our particular pattern of thought processing is fairly unique, which is why i have taken to explaining things in detail when trying to convey information, as I find people used to have trouble following me. In college I met my friend Lisa and we shared this unique way of processing, so I loved our conversations, no need to explain the weird jumps we made. Others would be so lost, but we got each other, and it was such a rare and wonderful thing. I miss her, as it has been a long time since I have talked to her, just because life grew us apart. I still keep in brief touch through email and her husband's facebook page (she is too busy to have one of her own), but I long for a nice long conversation over lunch. My best friend from college, Kay, who is still my best friend now nearly 19 years later, has known me long enough and spent enough time with me, that she can usually follow my weird conversational jumps without me having to use a segway, which is pretty amazing too.
Anyway, away from that aside, I was saying, there is a large body of articles and papers out there regarding this phenomenon with adults dealing again with their fairly of origin and finding so many old road blocks and relationship discomforts coming to the forefront. I believe it does have a lot to do with old memories, buried feelings, expectations based on a persons behaviour from years before, and the inability to mesh the newer identify o the person onto our preconceived notions of them. Lord knows that when I can step back and try to look with new eyes, I learn a lot about myself and my family member that I just couldn't see before. I think my communication difficulties with my family speak to both my perception of them (or more honestly my perception of their perception of me) and of their perception of me (or their perception of my perception of them). It is all very confusing and exhausting in so many ways.
I have many times in the past year, wondered about how wise it was to try to move back home after 17 years of living as an adult on my own (or with friends or near certain family members--basically living away from home). 17 years is a long time, and a person changes a lot in 17 years, not at their core, but how they express and experience, and share that core changes greatly in that time. Now, only 2 years back home, and without a social life outside of family and far away friends (anyone that tells you raising two kids with special needs does not drastically alter their ability to have a life outside of the kids sure does not have my kids--it is extremely isolating, especially the medical issues when they are very young (J) and the behavioural issues of autism which do the opposite of improving with age (G)). But as J gets older and G is trying as much as he is able, I am hoping that the tide on this will begin to switch soon.
Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the past two years living at home (well in my own place, but it is such a small town, it is nearly the same as moving back home with the parents) I am finding that much of my sense of self and my self-confidence has been eroding back to that teen-age level, and as I have very few fond memories of my high school self and had less self-confidence than you can imagine (like many geeky, flabby teenagers), this is not a desirable direction to be moving in.
So my communication ability with my family seems to be reverting back to those old levels, where I always felt misunderstood and alone, and I think this is God's ways of opening my eyes to the regression that I am undergoing. It was this weird, month long communication glitch with my mom, which I do not like as I really like the friendship my mom and I have and have been continuously building, that has made me look inward at what is going on with me. I think it may be time for me to move on again. To stand back on my own two feet without worrying about what other people think of the path that I take. To get back to reclaiming myself and building an amazing person instead of reverting slowly back to that person that i did not like. To move forward and build strong, respectful connections with my family based on the incredible (though never perfect) person I know I am not the teenager I used to be.
There is actually a lot more I would love to put down on paper (like the analogy of quicksand and living in this particular limbo, the harder you try to fight against it the faster it seems to pull you down, so needing to calm down and focus on finding a stick that I can reach to pull myself up with), but I am really tired and I have to get up early to try to put the furniture back in the living room before I wake the kids. The floor takes 12-14 hours to dry, but the air is so damp it is taking longer than I had expected.
So I am off to bed now.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Just touching base
To my faithful readers, however many you may be (one, two, twenty...), I wanted to touch base and say i am still here. I know it has been a few days since I last posted. Last week blogger was down for almost 3 days, but it has been back up for a couple of days and I have not been posting. Sorry about that.
Last week the kids were out sick both Thursday and Friday. They both had fevers, cough and clogged heads. They still both have post nasal drip and Josiah is very congested, though the fever part is gone. J has been having a neb treatment before bed and his inhaler before school to help keep him clearer. G is much less affected, though he also seems more tired. poor G slipped in the tub last night (he was trying to get on his knees from a sitting position, so it was not a horrible slip) and bumped his cheek bone hard on the side of the tub. He was NOT pleased about having ice put on it to minimize the hurt, especially as he had just been in a nice warm tub. But he didn't look too worse for wear this morning, a little bruise but no swelling. I told him that this was why I tell them no horseplay in the tub, and he looked at me strangely and said "I was not playing like a horse". Mr black and white. I tried to explain that it was an expression about playing by jumping around and spinning and acting crazy silly. But still this morning he was saying he wasn't playing like a horse. So I don't quite think he got my explanation.
I have done very little writing these past couple of weeks. mainly because I have not been able to snag any of the first come first serve assignments at Writers access. I should probably check first thing in the morning before I wake the kids up, but usually it is nearly 10am when I check and any early morning assignment have been snagged. And then it is hit or miss through the day. I should be concentrating on writing for Associated Content or writing for my website, or concentrating on getting some other gigs, or maybe even writing my book ( I have two in progress one non-fiction and one science fiction).
Instead I have been spending a great deal of time applying for jobs in a variety of areas, considering going back to school as I have never had this much trouble finding a job. A problem with a few things--being out of my highly technical and fast paced technical career for over 4 years (and thus 4 years behind on technology which changes rapidly); being over qualified for most positions that require a B Sc degree and NOT having a MSc degree to back up nearly 10 years of experience; and thirdly, the fact that I am not wholeheartedly committed to getting back into laboratory research even though that is the extreme bulk of my experience and qualifications. I have toyed with the idea of training for a different profession for a long time, of answering a calling that has been on my heart for over a decade, that I have managed to ignore. So I am starting to look into that path a bit, as it seems many of my other paths are not open to me.
Obviously I am keeping a very open mind. I have not heard back yet about the farm opportunity. I have not yet had any responses to the resumes I have sent out for a variety of biology jobs in a variety of places (yes, I think staying where I am is really not possible, there are no higher level jobs (I could keep going as I have been doing a bunch of inconsistent odd jobs with little overall dependable pay--the bulk of which could be earned over the summer) or I could move (thus starting the process of finding the right education opportunities for the boy s again--for which G is particularly difficult and the one most drastically affected by any move we make) and find a consistent, regular job with adequate pay, or I could see if there is still time for me to get my application in for jumping into an educational program which would take me down a new career path, which would again necessitate moving unless I do an online degree program, however, with hat comes expense and the possibility of having to take out MORE student loans, unless I can get a grant to pay for it (which is possible if I stay in NY as I have never used my TAP grant).
So I am still flittering around in that limbo of indecision. A place I have spent far too much time. In one of the many books I have read recently (I can't remember which one), the author talked about how id you are in say Las Vegas and want to get to Los Angeles, but don't know exactly how to get there, just a basic direction, if you head in the basic direction and keep going, you will eventually come to Los Angeles, even if you don't know specifically how to get there. You just commit to the direction and keep moving that way, you will get to your chosen destination. However if you set out in that direction half heartedly, and change your mind and start heading in a different direction, and change your mind again and try to get back to Las vegas, and change your mind again and start on a different path, you could literally wander in the desert for a LONG time before you reach anything like a fulfilling destination. The sucky part is that then you are always traveling, struggling at times to deal with surviving in the desert (sound familiar doesn't it--like Moses and the Israelites...), knowing that there is place for you, somewhere you need to be, but without having committed yourself heart soul and mind to moving towards that "promised land" no matter what obstacles, then you will forever be lost, wandering in the desert of fear and indecisiveness. Which is kinda where I am...
There is much more I want to say about that, but it is Wednesday and J has Aquatic PT so I need to go pick him up now...
Last week the kids were out sick both Thursday and Friday. They both had fevers, cough and clogged heads. They still both have post nasal drip and Josiah is very congested, though the fever part is gone. J has been having a neb treatment before bed and his inhaler before school to help keep him clearer. G is much less affected, though he also seems more tired. poor G slipped in the tub last night (he was trying to get on his knees from a sitting position, so it was not a horrible slip) and bumped his cheek bone hard on the side of the tub. He was NOT pleased about having ice put on it to minimize the hurt, especially as he had just been in a nice warm tub. But he didn't look too worse for wear this morning, a little bruise but no swelling. I told him that this was why I tell them no horseplay in the tub, and he looked at me strangely and said "I was not playing like a horse". Mr black and white. I tried to explain that it was an expression about playing by jumping around and spinning and acting crazy silly. But still this morning he was saying he wasn't playing like a horse. So I don't quite think he got my explanation.
I have done very little writing these past couple of weeks. mainly because I have not been able to snag any of the first come first serve assignments at Writers access. I should probably check first thing in the morning before I wake the kids up, but usually it is nearly 10am when I check and any early morning assignment have been snagged. And then it is hit or miss through the day. I should be concentrating on writing for Associated Content or writing for my website, or concentrating on getting some other gigs, or maybe even writing my book ( I have two in progress one non-fiction and one science fiction).
Instead I have been spending a great deal of time applying for jobs in a variety of areas, considering going back to school as I have never had this much trouble finding a job. A problem with a few things--being out of my highly technical and fast paced technical career for over 4 years (and thus 4 years behind on technology which changes rapidly); being over qualified for most positions that require a B Sc degree and NOT having a MSc degree to back up nearly 10 years of experience; and thirdly, the fact that I am not wholeheartedly committed to getting back into laboratory research even though that is the extreme bulk of my experience and qualifications. I have toyed with the idea of training for a different profession for a long time, of answering a calling that has been on my heart for over a decade, that I have managed to ignore. So I am starting to look into that path a bit, as it seems many of my other paths are not open to me.
Obviously I am keeping a very open mind. I have not heard back yet about the farm opportunity. I have not yet had any responses to the resumes I have sent out for a variety of biology jobs in a variety of places (yes, I think staying where I am is really not possible, there are no higher level jobs (I could keep going as I have been doing a bunch of inconsistent odd jobs with little overall dependable pay--the bulk of which could be earned over the summer) or I could move (thus starting the process of finding the right education opportunities for the boy s again--for which G is particularly difficult and the one most drastically affected by any move we make) and find a consistent, regular job with adequate pay, or I could see if there is still time for me to get my application in for jumping into an educational program which would take me down a new career path, which would again necessitate moving unless I do an online degree program, however, with hat comes expense and the possibility of having to take out MORE student loans, unless I can get a grant to pay for it (which is possible if I stay in NY as I have never used my TAP grant).
So I am still flittering around in that limbo of indecision. A place I have spent far too much time. In one of the many books I have read recently (I can't remember which one), the author talked about how id you are in say Las Vegas and want to get to Los Angeles, but don't know exactly how to get there, just a basic direction, if you head in the basic direction and keep going, you will eventually come to Los Angeles, even if you don't know specifically how to get there. You just commit to the direction and keep moving that way, you will get to your chosen destination. However if you set out in that direction half heartedly, and change your mind and start heading in a different direction, and change your mind again and try to get back to Las vegas, and change your mind again and start on a different path, you could literally wander in the desert for a LONG time before you reach anything like a fulfilling destination. The sucky part is that then you are always traveling, struggling at times to deal with surviving in the desert (sound familiar doesn't it--like Moses and the Israelites...), knowing that there is place for you, somewhere you need to be, but without having committed yourself heart soul and mind to moving towards that "promised land" no matter what obstacles, then you will forever be lost, wandering in the desert of fear and indecisiveness. Which is kinda where I am...
There is much more I want to say about that, but it is Wednesday and J has Aquatic PT so I need to go pick him up now...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Oh my gosh I forgot to write about it....
A got a job!! The car salesman is back in car sales. While A has a degree in social work, there is always a point of burn out. When A started selling cars after we adopted J, it was match made in heaven. A became number 2 in sales in a large dealership within a couple of months (beating people with years of experience), and stayed int eh number one or two spot for the duration of employment, which was longer than any job I had seen A have. And A LOVED the work, loved making people happy getting them into a good car, loved the thrill of making the sale, loved the camaraderie and the competition with colleagues...
But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success. So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped. Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart. So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me. AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home. Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house. And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.
I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship. And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life. I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself. in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely. And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me. So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain. But suffice to say that I am okay with them.
But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success. So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped. Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart. So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me. AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home. Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house. And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.
I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship. And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life. I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself. in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely. And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me. So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain. But suffice to say that I am okay with them.
Day 50--seems like the last 30 days have not been well focused...
Well, I started off well on my first 80 day challenge, but let stress and life stuff get in the way of creating a better, more healthy me over the last 30 days or so. Now we are on day 50. The great thing about life, is that each day is a new day. Each day is a day to start over fresh if you want to. Even if you make a lot of mistakes one day or for a whole week, or a whole month or a number of years, each day you can wake up and know that you can start right from where you are and begin anew. You don't have to wait for something to happen or some event to transpire, the change we seek is within ourselves, the power to choose is a gift we are born with, the great gift of God, and you can choose at any moment to change your direction. Even if it is one you have been headed in for years.
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
day 33--the ides of April
Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as the ides of march. But it is the ides of April. I had a great walk around the pond this morning, then listened to some of a book on CD (which i had also been listening to while I walked) in the Jeep. I have A's Jeep today so A could drop my car off at the mechanic. I am grateful for the help. Though I am really not liking A not having a job. I am glad that A decided to go back to AA, but that does not make it easier for me to try to live my own life. A got back from the meeting and asked to spend the night. It makes me want to pull all of my hair out when I hear "I could just sleep on your floor." That puts me in the position of having so say no, of giving A the experience of rejection, of having to put up walls again. Every time I feel like we have taken a step forward in this building of our friendship, A makes me take a step back and realize that we have different goals, and I am not willing to accept A's goals. I will not get back together as a couple, there are too many lies, to many belligerent words, too much emotional abuse, and too much of an unhealthy relationship--even since we have tried to live closer to each other, not just old stuff, but CURRENT issues--it is too much, And I won't do it.
Overall though it was a good day. I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee. Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles. I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water. For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli. In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.
Note: I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.
Overall though it was a good day. I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee. Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles. I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water. For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli. In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.
Note: I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.
Friday, April 8, 2011
post before sleep
final food journal for today.
lunch was a small cup of mac & cheese
I ate a handful of jelly beans with the kids after we got home.
For Dinner, A had called wile I was picking up the kids and asked what to put in for dinner. As I have not visited with my father in a couple of weeks I said to put in the ham and roast some potatoes with it.
So I took a ham dinner over to my dad's house and A, the kids and I ate dinner with Dad and had a great talk. I really want my little farm, so I talked with my Dad tonight about checking into what it would take to build a simple house on the other end of his property (he has 36 acres), and he said he would be okay with it but that the permits alone would probably cost too much.
I did some exploring and if the old well up on the end of the property can be used (it was filled in with rocks over 50 years ago, so it is a long shot) and if I can figure out the septic, then it might be possible. though looking at pouring a slab foundation and doing a radiant heat system, that alone might break the bank. Roofing is extremely expensive too. So it may just be too much, but boy would I love to build it. Right now it is in dream mode, but I will find some time over the next month to check into things and see if it is potentially feasible. I'd be nice to have Dad as a neighbor too,as he is getting older and I worry about him...
Oh, before bed I had toast with peanut butter. It is now ridiculously late and I need to sleep.
lunch was a small cup of mac & cheese
I ate a handful of jelly beans with the kids after we got home.
For Dinner, A had called wile I was picking up the kids and asked what to put in for dinner. As I have not visited with my father in a couple of weeks I said to put in the ham and roast some potatoes with it.
So I took a ham dinner over to my dad's house and A, the kids and I ate dinner with Dad and had a great talk. I really want my little farm, so I talked with my Dad tonight about checking into what it would take to build a simple house on the other end of his property (he has 36 acres), and he said he would be okay with it but that the permits alone would probably cost too much.
I did some exploring and if the old well up on the end of the property can be used (it was filled in with rocks over 50 years ago, so it is a long shot) and if I can figure out the septic, then it might be possible. though looking at pouring a slab foundation and doing a radiant heat system, that alone might break the bank. Roofing is extremely expensive too. So it may just be too much, but boy would I love to build it. Right now it is in dream mode, but I will find some time over the next month to check into things and see if it is potentially feasible. I'd be nice to have Dad as a neighbor too,as he is getting older and I worry about him...
Oh, before bed I had toast with peanut butter. It is now ridiculously late and I need to sleep.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....
Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 23--moving on
It has come time to move on. I have finally gotten a call back from my family member and we spent a good long time talking today. When you have a few layers of miscommunication, and each attempt adds a layer, it takes a while to get down to what the real issues are. I was right, the little issue that should have been a simple conversation about miscommunication was truly a simple misunderstanding. But it WAS the underlying more problematic issue that was complicating matters. Though I was the one that saw it as underlying and they were considering it THE issue. Which was one of the other layers of miscommunication. I was trying to address the one simple communication glitch to get a simple answer, and they were dealing with that as on off shoot of the other issue. Well, needless to say, it was a long and difficult though very beneficial conversation. I was very glad to finally clear that up. It is going to take a while to let go of the residual emotions, and of course let go of the places where we do not agree. It was time to move on, I had already made that decision before the conversation. So it is providence that we were able to have the conversation that makes it possible to move on fully.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 22--I forgot to weigh in this morning
This weekend was very emotionally challenging, and I feel very drained. So I have not slept well, and as such I was an idiot this morning and forgot to do my weigh in. I hope you all can forgive me for that. I will weigh in tomorrow, and post a pic of the weigh in.
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day 20--a hard day
The effects of the situation that I talked about yesterday have been festering in my mind. I had horrible insomnia last night--perseverating on a situation that I have no way to change and have tried multiple approaches to discuss the issue. but if the other person refuses to address it, there is nothing I can do. At this point, the side effect of NOT being able to dialog with a person who is UNWILLING to dialog has left me feeling deep grief. I feel like I have lost my family member because of this.
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
Friday, April 1, 2011
day 19--the end of the day, the end of the week...
Well, as odd as it seems, after such a raw day, I had a peaceful, gentle evening with A and the boys. We cooked dinner together, which is a rarity, and when we have such nice times it is easy to acknowledge how much I do miss A. There is a reason we got together, and all the bad things do not negate the good things in our relationship. We made burgers with ground chicken, oatmeal, egg, and spices, and they came out great. I chopped up some fresh potatoes for french fries,and we all had a yummy and nice family dinner together.
A knew I was upset about this whole drama idiocy going on with a certain couple of family members, and so it was nice to just have a very pleasant time together. A did ask to spend the night (and sleep on the living room floor as A has done before if I need A here for the boys in the morning) after the boys went to bed and I said no. Lets enjoy the good evening of friendship we are sharing, and focus on our friendship. I also pointed out that with bronchitis and a sinus infection, sleeping on my floor, getting run over by the cats and dog who sound like a herd of elephants chasing each other around the house at night, and then being woken up by the boys at 6:30 in the morning, then having to work from 3pm to 11pm--well, it would just not be taking care of yourself to do that. So A went home, and I am getting ready for bed.
I think I am going to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I am somewhere in season 2. I like netflix, I get to watch shows on my time, and don't have the pressure of having to catch a program at a specific time. I watch so little TV (aside from the kids movies that the kids watch) that there is no point in having cable or satellite anyway. Netflix is perfect for my lifestyle.
Okay so a final blog about my eats today. I had a chicken sandwich from Stewart's and 1/4 of a little single serve bag of sour cream and onion chips (J's favorite and he ate the rest when I picked him up) and water, of course, for lunch.
For dinner I did eat 2 of the burgers on wheat bread--they were SO tasty, and some home made fries, a banana and a cup of milk.
I am about to have a bowl of shredded wheat with a banana and milk for a snack while I watch my show. That's it....
Have a good night all...
A knew I was upset about this whole drama idiocy going on with a certain couple of family members, and so it was nice to just have a very pleasant time together. A did ask to spend the night (and sleep on the living room floor as A has done before if I need A here for the boys in the morning) after the boys went to bed and I said no. Lets enjoy the good evening of friendship we are sharing, and focus on our friendship. I also pointed out that with bronchitis and a sinus infection, sleeping on my floor, getting run over by the cats and dog who sound like a herd of elephants chasing each other around the house at night, and then being woken up by the boys at 6:30 in the morning, then having to work from 3pm to 11pm--well, it would just not be taking care of yourself to do that. So A went home, and I am getting ready for bed.
I think I am going to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I am somewhere in season 2. I like netflix, I get to watch shows on my time, and don't have the pressure of having to catch a program at a specific time. I watch so little TV (aside from the kids movies that the kids watch) that there is no point in having cable or satellite anyway. Netflix is perfect for my lifestyle.
Okay so a final blog about my eats today. I had a chicken sandwich from Stewart's and 1/4 of a little single serve bag of sour cream and onion chips (J's favorite and he ate the rest when I picked him up) and water, of course, for lunch.
For dinner I did eat 2 of the burgers on wheat bread--they were SO tasty, and some home made fries, a banana and a cup of milk.
I am about to have a bowl of shredded wheat with a banana and milk for a snack while I watch my show. That's it....
Have a good night all...
Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness
Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.) It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation. I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself. There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it. The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily).
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!
Well, now everyone is sick. I am not too bad just exhausted. G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G). By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped. So I called the school and let them know he was not coming. Then we turned around and headed home. You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would? Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
day 11--a post before bed
LONG evening with A....too much to talk about but I do feel like I had really good self control and instead of getting defensive I just accepted that A feels what A feels, and our perceptions differ. But it is late, I spent some time reading "damn you auto correct" which is one of the funniest sites on earth, so i use it for a solid belly laughing pick me up when I need it.
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?
***WARNING: RANT BELOW******
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
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(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
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