Inspector on VACATION!?!?!!

So, an update on the house situation....we pushed hard this weekend to get things ready for the final inspections.  We still have a few absolute necessities to do prior to the final inspection, and then a bunch of other stuff to do to get it ready to move the kids in, but we are ready for the electrical inspection (or will be within the next 24 hours), and so I called the electrical inspector this morning--the only one who services this area--and his message said he is on VACATION until May7th. 

SO that put the brakes on, as without the final electrical inspection, I can not have the final, final inspection to get the CO.  So, while we will still keep working (as there is still a bunch of painting and cleaning up and finalization of the bathroom and kitchen (had a problem with my well laid floor--self sticky tiles will not bind even with the bond enhancer I put down prior to laying them out, so I am having to lift each tile up and spray adhesive under it and lay it back down, so the bathroom completion is a bit delayed).  So it will still be a busy week, but we do not have to push as hard because I have to renew my Workers comp insurance to keep the building permit for another week (I had hoped and push to avoid having to do that, but luckily my little tax refund arrived finally so I have the funds to pay it, which was part of the problem--I am so glad money arrives when it is so needed).  So maybe tomorrow my father can take a break as he has not taken a day off in like 2 weeks (though of course he will just go work at Dr. Hammer's house as they are coming home this week and he has to get that opened up and ready, but at least it will be a change of pace).

My goal now is to have all the painting done (including both boys rooms and the day care area (which I am only repainting a little bit of that now as I don't have enough paint to redo the whole thing, so Salmon Colored walls will have to stay as the paint is in good shape and does not NEED to be painted over.  I also plan to have the kitchen and bathroom fully functional and ready to roll by the 7th.  AND have everything cleaned up (right now it is both a mess of construction material and mess AND storage of my apartment and stuff people have given for the house which now really needs to be moved into the garage area as most of the construction are now out of that area.  It IS covered with Sheetrock dust and saw dust though, so before I move anything back there, I have to clean it up.  but that is one of my goals for the next few days. 

So while I am disappointed that I can not get the final inspections for another wee, I am happy that I will be able to get more of the stuff done to make it truly livable before actually moving the kids in, and when I have the CO, I should be able to make the transition the very next day, rather than having a gap between the CO and the move in day.  We can survive another week the way we have been going.  The kids will be okay, and A will be okay ( I hope--things seem slightly calmer this morning than they have been the past week or so), and I will be okay. (ya know it is a good thing my ex's name starts with an A and not an I because that could get confusing, I mean using "A" to denote my ex is confusing enough, but if I had to use "I" I would probably have to get more creative.  Or I could just a  have a ball writing really confusing posts and trying to explain them and making anyone who reads them think they they are on drugs or something (or that I am on drugs or something...coffee.....hmmmmm...that is my drug of choice.....followed closely by chocolate).  No, my insanity is my own and I embrace it proudly...!  Oh dear...rambling aimlessly...time to go...

Making real progress...

Okay.... SO.....

Lots of progress on the house.... All coats of spakle are done aside from Gonzo's room (his room was the most done when I had to move stuff in in mid-march, and so it was full for stuff while we worked on everything else, and now is the last room to be done because we are finally moving stuff OUT--I had not thought of that before when I put it in there--still 90% of the spackle is done in his room, but it is definitely behind the rest, as it has not been sanded and painting has not been started, and will still need the window sealed and cased and the molding put up at the end, so I would say his room is about 60% done)

Kitchen 85% done--walls painted, appliances in place, counters mostly done...still need to finish the floor, put up molding, fix the leaky faucet, and hang the upper cupboards.

Bathroom 85% done--walls and ceiling painted, shower in and fully functional (finally), FLOOR DONE (that was my all day project--beautiful self-sticky vinyl tiles--classy I know---but they look great!)  now just to place the tub, toilet and vanity/sink (and attach it all to the plumbing which is ready and waiting for it--that should take less than a day--so by tomorrow I should have a fully functional bathroom--with only molding needed to finish it.

Josiah's room 90% done--walls, ceiling and closet painted, Just need to put up the paneling along the weird wall (long story, old building...), seal the window in and put the casing and molding up, and lay the carpet down.

Living room 98% done (well will be before I go to bed as there is only ONE wall left to paint), just need to fill in the molding on the new walls

My bedroom--95% done--walls and ceiling painted, just need to seal the window and do molding and casing (and clean the old carpet at the end (mine was the only existing room and the only part with existing carpet, which is now very dirty with construction crap)

 The Firewall--that massive pain is the hind quarters which has taken an ungodly amount of time, frustration, and materials, is 98% done!!!  Just the final coat of spackle in a couple of seams, the final bit of caulking where spackle can not be done, and finalizing the installation of the fire door.

Fire Alarms and CO alarms are installed and functional!

The day care area--well, as that really is the only area that I left just a large open space, there is not much to do with it for the final house inspection but clean it up.  Once I have to certificate of Occupancy, that area will become my focus, as well as the outside play area so that after I get my family settled into the house, I can really focus on getting the final set up and inspections for the day care licensing.  That is the next leg of my journey.

Well, I must move on to painting before I get ready for bed.  Pictures to come later this week--hopefully with a Certificate of Occupancy!!!!  Keep your fingers crossed for me and the boys.  With all of the weird stuff going on with A (my ex) I REALLY need to bring the kids home with me.  So, I NEED that CO to bring my kids home so I can parent them here (instead of parenting them at A's house, which is more difficult), AND A can calm down and get back to having less responsibility and enjoy the kids more when they have time there.  It will be a relief in so many ways for so many people when we can get back to our normal lives....

Some Days

Some days I wonder how much is too much....

Some days I feel the weight of responsibility from so many directions, I feel like it is going to crush me.... 

Some days I feel like no one can understand, and no one wants to...and most days that is okay...

Some days keeping on keeping on is harder than it appears from the outside....

Most days I don't have the answers....I just keep going on as best I can with what I have...and try to find the silver lining...and keep going even if I can't find it...because tomorrow is always a new day...

Most days I try not to ask for help from other people, I made my decisions and my day to day life is the culmination of those decisions, and so I figure I will accept what help is offered for a various things...and hope that those who are offering help actually want to help, and I just try to roll with the rest...

Some days rolling is hard...

Most days I feel like no one actually knows me....and most days that is okay...because I know me...but some days,

Some days.....

Some Day....I want someone to know me...

House progress

Okay....SO.....

I finally took the tiem to figure out how to get pictures off my phone this morning.  I took a few quick pictures of the house progress thsi morning.   We are getting close....  For comparison, you can check out the photos from late February in this post.  So here are the photos taken today!

We are actually quite close to finishing.  I will be painting starting tonight!  So hopefully the finished house will be posted by the first week of MAY!!

Very quick update

A very quick update...mainly because my brain is going a million miles an hour and if I spend too much time on the computer I might have a nervous breakdown---or get stuck in here and not move on to the next thing I NEED to do--like as it is nearly midnight, I should go to sleep soon....

Electrical rough inspection passed last week!  YAY!!!!
ALL of the drywall is now up, walls are enclosed, spackle is in progress...

I still feel like I have a million things to do to finish but we are getting close.  My goal is to be DONE by the 29th and have the final inspection on the 30th. 

I might be completely insane by then....but don't call in the men in white coats yet, once I have the CO in hand I am sure my sanity will return to it's pre-house renovation levels--so I guess on second thought, maybe you should have the straight jacket standing by....

Thanks all for now
Trying to remember to breath.....

A quick post....

The electrical inspection actually took place on Tuesday, and we passed the rough inspectiona nd have been cleared to close in the walls!!

So that is what we have been working on this week.

This is basically what we have to finish ( if I am understanding it correctly):
--put up the last of the sheet rock in all rooms
     --spackle/sand/repeat
     --paint in all rooms
--finalize the last coupel of drains
--put up wallboard in bathroom (around tub)
--put down bathroom floor
--put in tub and toilet
--paint in kitchen
--put down kitchen floor
--put in range, dishwasher, and refrigerator
--install overhead kitchen cabinets
--following painting of floor and ceilings, put down carpet in boys rooms
--install electrical covers on ALL outlets adn switches througout
--finish smoke detector set up installation
--put up molding
--get final electrical inspection
--get final CO inspection
--move in

so, yeah, a lot still to do, but in the final stretch.

Slow and steady.....(is making me crazy) wins the race......

Well, this has been a long hiatus from blogging....  So what has been keeping me so busy—well….many many things—some that make sense and others that are more subtle or less easily understood.

So the house is still a work in progress.  We moved out of the apartment on March 14th and the kids moved into A’s apartment.  They have been doing well, though Josiah asks every day when we are going to move into the new house.  Progress has been slow but steady on the house.  The electric is done as of yesterday and we are waiting for the electrical inspection now, which will hopefully be early this week.  The plumbing should be done in the next day or two, barring any unforeseen issues.  That will be two huge issues out of the way.  Once the electrical inspection is cleared, we can put the other half of the walls on and finish the place.  I am glad that the light at the end of the tunnel might be getting closer.  I would love to predict that we will be done by the end of April and able to get the final inspection and clearance to move in by then, that is my hope.  But this project has reminded me to not expect anything specific and just to roll with what comes—hope for the best but don’t get so set on how it has to play out and in what time frame.  In the end it will be worth it, and that outcome is what I need to focus on, not trying to figure out how each little step is supposed to go.

The kids are doing well, for the most part.  They have both had ups and downs, Gonzo is choosing to bite Josiah at least once every day—and even when I am vigilant about separating them when they are not playing well together, he has now taken to just biting him at random times, just for the heck of it, as he realized if I know that there is a problem, I will be proactive.  Both of them have had ups and downs at school.  We are looking into possible other programs for Josiah for next year.  I will write about hat another time.  We are also getting an evaluation with a neuro-psychologist for Josiah.  I think that will be a good thing, it might give us a better idea of what on earth is going on with him, as his behavior and his super quick mood changes are way beyond what I can understand at this point.  All of my theories have fizzled out, and his outbursts are really interfering with his ability to advance and grow in a healthy and successful way.  He has gotten into such negative behavioral patterns and nothing I have tried is working to help him move beyond it.  So hopefully the neuropsychologist will have be able to shed some light on what is going on with him.

I have been babysitting full time now, as the little ones that I watch have had a schedule change, and their mom took a full time job.  So I no longer have a break in the middle of the day, which has slowed my ability to work on the house.  I also have my kids after school and most day until bedtime at A’s house.  Some days A cooks dinner, but I put them to bed every night.  This means that I don’t have much time in the evenings to work on the house.  So it has meant that almost all of the work aside from weekends and little things that I can do in the evenings, has fallen to my father to work on.  I have been trying to get the spackle and sanding done on the walls that are up in preparation of painting.  I am so looking forward to the final stage and the finished house.  This initial phase from Laundromat to house has been such a process.  I look forward to moving in and moving on the preparation for the daycare phase.  There has been a lot of interest in when the day care will open and how much I will charge.  I am hoping to have some answers to those questions.

So that is where things are in a nutshell.  There are a few other things going on—but they are not really things I want to talk about on the blog.  For now I am just trying to take it day by day, as I have been getting oscillating between overly anxious and somewhat depressed as this process has dragged on so much.  So I am just trying to keep a positive and realistic focus and not get too stuck on expectations of when and how things should be going or how I want them to go.  Trying to remember that it is what it is, and it takes as long as it takes, and roll with whatever happens.  Not always easy, but it is what I am trying to do…..  I hope to write again later this week, hopefully with an update about the inspections….  That would be great….

lllife iiiiiiiiiiiis buuuuuuuuuuuuuuusy

I have actually tried to write a few different posts, but either run out of time or out of emotional energy to write them....

Yes, blogging sometimes takes a lot of emotional energy, mainly because life takes a lot of emotional energy and transformation takes a lot of emotional energy, and my life right now just takes a lot energy in ALL areas...I have such a headache.

So, quick update on various areas:

The renovations on the house--ugh... yeah, I won't go into details...suffice to say that everyday we get a little closer and a little closer to the finish line...I hope to have more news later on---OH wait!  I do have some good news, instead of having to build kitchen cabinets and create a kitchen from scratch, about 2 weeks ago I was given a used kitchen--cabinets, counter tops, dishwasher, stove....  What a huge blessing it was.  So there was a reason why the kitchen had not yet been worked on.  We had to redesign the central part of the house, changing the layout of kitchen and dining room in order to be able to use this great kitchen.  And in the end I like this design better.  So the kitchen is almost plumbed (it would have been finished being plumbed today if I had not needed to take a break and give my dad a break, so that I could catch up on emails and phone calls that I have been neglecting for the past 3 weeks.  And so i could take a deep breath and just focus on other areas of my life that need tending for the day.  So I have taken my break today to be online and try to blog, before I have to go back to work at 2pm...

School for Josiah---ups and downs, still trying to figure out what is going on with him.  I don't remember if I have posted about our chemical imbalance thoughts and such, if not I'll do that at a later time.  Something is just not working for him there, and it does not seem to be working for them.  I am convinced it is a combination of factors.  But that still does not give me any more insight into the best course of action to take.  We have a little time, we will be looking at other programs with the CSE chair---I feel kinda lost on this whole education plan thing for him.  I thought Gonzo's issues were complicated and challenging.  in many ways, he was a piece of cake compared to Josiah because Gonzo's issues, as challenging as they are, are consistent and somewhat predictable.  Josiah is not...

There is more I want to say about other things, but I need to get ready to go back to work....starting next week, it will be full time, so no split shift, no more break in the middle of the day.  But that means a higher income too....
I'll blog again soon....

Packing....planning..... and birthday boy

Okay, so this weekend will be taken up with packing and moving most of our things down to the new house.  The new house is not done, though we are getting closer and closer.  As it stands I have to be out of our apartment by March 15th, which is Thursday, as the landlord has rented it, so I can not extend it any further.  The kids will go and stay with A for probably about a week or so, and I will stay at my father's house while we work on finishing the new house.  What a huge job this has been.

I finally took some pictures of the progress, though I do not have a before picture.  Here are a few shots of the house in renovation:

These were actually taken about 2 weeks ago, but I just now uploaded them to the computer.  Much has been done, though most of the work of renovation and construction is not easily visible, as plumbing and electric, insulation and other very important and time consuming things, tend not to have the "wow" effect of things like new walls going up, or paint or carpet.  We are nearing the "wow" phase, when the work will be very visible, and as it gets completed, things will actually be in the final stages. 

But this week also held Gonzo's 9th birthday!!!

I will do a post soon about this amazing little man, who for the first time in his school career, has the right supports, with the right teachers, with the right focus, and because everything is finally in the right places, HE IS DOING GREAT AT SCHOOL!!!!  It took a while, and a lot of trial and error, but finally  he is having a successful and positive school experience, and can now learn and grow, and have all the wonderful experiences that school has to offer.  I am hoping it takes us less time to reach this point with Josiah, but I know it is possible.  Looking back at Gonzo in Kindergarten reminds me that Josiah's school start has been easier than Gonzo's was, and I know it will all come together, eventually.  I just have to keep advocating for his needs, countering non-productive attitudes, insisting on appropriate treatment and understanding of his issues, and being open to trying new things.  Gonzo has been a shining example this year of how amazingly a child can shift when given the right level of supports.  This amazing 9 year old (9!) overcomes many challenges, and many horrors in his past, and after having been with us for 6 years, is starting to finally thrive.  I am very proud of my son.  And I will write more later on him and his amazingness....(I know it is not a word, but it is fun to say, and should be a word...)

reflecting on comment....

So,  i received an interesting comment about my last post from someone who decided to be anonymous.  The poster who was too fearful to even write their name said that essentially that I hate school and have poisoned my children against it (which must be why we spend time every night finding the three things we like best about school, and what they are looking forward to at school tomorrow--yeah, I really am trying to poison my children against school...(rolls eyes...sigh...)).  Which I find interesting, given that most of the last post discussed the benefits of homeschooling against the benefits of public school education--and the reasons that I DID NOT want to pull my son out of public school.  Because of the BENEFITS that school offers.  Just because I believe that certain aspects of education are better fulfilled in other ways, and because certain aspects of the institution of school bother me, does not mean I hate school.  If I truly hated school and saw no beneficial reason for sending my children, they would have been home schooled long ago.  Which tells me that the person (unless they are just a troll trying to create discord and hurt in an already painful and difficult situation, in which case I stick my tongue out at you and pray that you get a life worth living) has not truly read my posts about Josiah's schooling, or understood the many many things I have said about my beliefs about school or what I want for my children.  As I do not hate school--there are things I hate ABOUT school, there are certain people associated with the school that I do NOT like, but as a whole, if the placement and supports are correct, then school can be a VERY positive and beneficial experience. 

As any of my readers know, there have been many posts about the challenges that my son is facing at school, and I have talked at length about my feelings about how the school handles some things well and how they do not.  I have talked at length about my feelings about the basic structure of the public school system as a whole and how it is not ideal for the complete well rounded development of children.  I have also stated many times why it is beneficial and an important part of the childhood experience in this culture.  I have talked about my feelings on home school, and why I feel it is important for my kids to BE IN SCHOOL.  Even the public school system know and requires only 2 hours of one-on-one instruction in lieu of a 6-7 hour school day, as the shorter, more individual education takes far less time to accomplish more academics.  That is because, part of a child's education at school has nothing at all to do with academics--it has much, much more to do with social and cultural molding.  And that is very important.  Most people who remove their children from public education do so because of they do not agree with the social and cultural molding their children are getting.  I am not a huge fan of it myself, as I believe it is an outdated motif, left from from an industrial, assembly line mentality era, when it was important to get children accustomed to the industrial life view and living model.  Our world has change to a post-industrial era, and creativity, individuality, and numerous other social and cultural traits are more valuable than industrial modality, but it is taking the school model longer to change than the culture as a whole. 

I have spent more energy (physical, emotional, & cognitive) dealing with school related issues in the past four years than i have in dealing with ALL of the other issues the boys have combined, which if you know anything at all about my boys and their special needs, you will have some understanding go how much time and energy goes into managing their needs aside from school and aside from them just being kids.  The main reason for that is that public school is not in any way designed to handle kids who do not fit into basic molds.  And we, as a society and a culture, have learned that people have value (did you know that anonymous commenter) and can contribute to society as a whole, as well as live fruitful lives from an individual perspective, if all people are treated like people and given the opportunity to have a family, to have an education, to have social interaction, to be out in public--unlike the 1950's idea that all people who do not fit the right molds need to be locked away, and neglected, and allowed to die or languish is some state akin to death, rather than given then chance to reach their potential.  Thar means that those who would have been locked away before, are now being included in life and society as they should be.  BUT it also means that people have to be flexible, and be able to learn and be able to adapt and change, and be open minded--they need to think outside the box, and be ready fro trial and error, be ready to have unexpected reactions, and be willing to lose the cookie cutter children idea.  It means that those with special needs, have special needs--needs that are different from the needs of the average person.  it means that something that worked well for me or you or joe schmo down the street, may or may not work well for them.  If their needs did not differ significantly from the average person--they WOULD NOT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!

It means that as a parent I have to be more flexible in my expectation, my desired for my own life, and my dreams for the future both for myself and my children.  It means that the doctors have to be willing to gain knowledge about their various medical issues which make treatment different for them in some areas.  it means that teachers need to be open to learning other styles of teaching and dealing with a child whose needs and abilities are different.  It means that people need to stop assuming they have it all figured out, and be flexible, wiling to change, and grow and learn--not just once but everyday.

So, dear troll, it also means that as a parent, I need to work as hard as I can to find what works and what does not for my child.  That in order for him to reach his fullest potential, have stability, develop appropriate social behaviors, and become a fully independent adult in another 15 years, I need to respond appropriately to his needs, and be his advocate to ensure that those environments and areas(medical, educational, psychosocial, developmental, and social) that are part of his life and vital to his growth and maturation, are appropriate and are helping rather than hurting his ability to become an independent adult.  My job is not to ensure that he is always happy or have everything that he wants, my job is not to make the lives of those who know him easier and to pity them for their having to work with a child with challenges, my job is not to make excuses fro his behavior or to ignore his needs and try to force him to be "normal" (we all can see how easy to is to say to the child "get up and walk like a real kid" and when he does not to blame him for his insolence, or blame his parent fro carrying him--forget the fact that he has cerebral palsy and can even stand with out support--if that is ridiculous, why would you think that other special needs are less debilitating or more deliberate?). 

My job and my passion to to help make the world a place where all people --ALL PEOPLE (even the comment trolls)--can be accepted for who they are, for the amazing things that they CAN do, for the unique ways that they can contribute to the growth and evolution of humanity, and for the blessing they can bring to all that they meet.  And I know that I will meet many people (have already) that do not understand.  People that can not see past their own personal experience to recognize that there are different kinds of people in the world and ALL have value.  There are people who do not understand how you can be upset about something going on with a particular situation without hating the whole situation.  People who do not get that just because something is less than ideal, that it is okay to express your thoughts about  that less ideal issue without having to write off the whole institution.  So, I hope that the commenter will have the courage and the respect to step forward and discuss their reflections openly and with thoughtful respect.  And will remember that all of us get frustrated sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with being frustrated.  God knows my son's teachers get frustrated, and struggle with how to be approach the situation, but sometimes it is overwhelming--and it is okay to feel overwhelmed, it is okay to need to walk away, it is okay to vent and to rant---and it is okay to then come full circle and be ready to step in again and try to work towards a solution.  God knows we all hit different parts of that circle at different times...even in the same day.

So i will continue to work with the school personnel, with the teachers, with the therapist, with the doctors, with my son and with myself regarding ongoing issues at school.  I will continue to vent when I need to, reflect on things when I need to ,work out my thoughts and feelings, work through new information, and be open to expressing all of it in a public forum--because I know that I am not alone in these challenges, I am not alone in these frustrations, I am not alone in these joys, I am not alone in these blessings---and even the trolls are there to remind me why I blog, why I think out loud (in writing even) and why i am NOT afraid to openly express my feelings in a public forum.  There are others out there who need to know they are not alone in their experiences.  There are those who like to hear how ideas and thought processes are moving so that they can use some of it for their situation.  And there are those like the anonymous commenter, who need to express their own frustration, and remind me that what we think someone is saying is not always what they are saying.  inference and implications may be completely different...and it is okay---each person lives their own life their own way.

Thinking...as Usual...

So, Josiah's return to school after break has not been so good.  Something is causing him great distress there, to the point that even talking about school gives him a stomach ache.  And he does not seem to be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that is just so problematic.  He shares with me that is is afraid at school.  The school does not seem to ever interpret his anger reaction as a shield against his fear--which tells me they do not know much about basic human dynamics.  Most of the people I know put a face on fear that does not look like fear.  For some people, fear shows up as depression.  For some people fear presents as mania, they run around like crazy being super busy and never stopping--but it is because of fear that drives them.  I have known many people who when they feel fear, the get defensive and angry.  And anger covers their fear, but the problem is not anger, it is fear, and if you help alleviate the fear, all of the symptomatic fronts, all of the behaviors that human being have to try to hide the fear, will dissipate.

It does not matter if it is fear of physical harm, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of being seen as wrong, fear of not having needs met, fear of being emotionally injured, fear of not being able to succeed...all fear is fear, whether rational or not, whether well founded by someone from the outside or not, whether anyone else understands it or not....FEAR IS WHAT IT IS.  And fear does not discriminate by gender, height, abilities, age, skin color, or any other of the artificial divisions we make between human beings.  Fear is fear is fear, and whether you are an adult or a child, fat or thin, black or white, tall or short, male or female...fear is fear, and we all have different ways that we retaliate against fear.  Some people laugh hysterically, so people cry hysterically, some people flutter around like a hummingbird on red bull, some people sit and stare out the window, some people sleep, some people are insomniacs, some people eat (and eat and eat), other people can barely keep water down, some people becoming bossy control freaks, some people become weepy incompetents, some people being red hot angry....

Until you calm the fear, until you help a person feel safe, until they know that they can be held, contained, protected, and know what to expect...until the fear is calmed...you can not control the behaviors, and the more you try to the greater the fear increases, and the behaviors start going in all different directions.  When you try to stomp an an already full water balloon trying to make it smaller, it will pop.  When you try to stomp on an already distressed human being, trying to stop the filling without stopping the flow, they will burst.

Calm the fears, give clear boundaries and safe, logical, compassionate consequences, give support and encouragement to move beyond fear, give a sense of belonging and safety...those go a long way to alleviating fear.  Once a fear pattern and model has been in place for a long time, it is going to take a LOT more than a pat on the head and simple empty reassurance to reduce the fear that started months before and grew in response to inappropriate responses to need and/or fear expression. 

So I am thinking it may be time to bring Josiah home, to finish the Kindergarten year at home, just as we did with Gonzo.  Give him some time to learn and focus on schooling where he feels safe, and can then again start to equate learning with a safe activity.  Then we can try again in first grade, to integrate him in the social industrial model of public education, hopefully with a better sense of himself, and more internal capacity to regulate his own fears and insecurities, and be better able to understand the oddities and social structure of public education.  I DO believe that homeschooling done correctly is FAR, FAR superior to industrial institutional education, HOWEVER, I also believe that having the social training that a larger school population provides, and the greater range of experience with a variety of different adults and children, each bringing their own family culture and experience into the lives of the public school children is very important in helping children develop a stronger, broader sense of the world.  If it were only about academic achievement, public school should be obliterated and replaced with conscientious homeschooling, as each academic plan/curriculum is based on each child's needs and interests.  But school is a social experiment, and helps even out the family quirks, and introduce kids the the fact that everyone is different, believes different things, has different experiences, and THAT IT IS OKAY.

wow, a ten day break from blogging!

This is the longest break I think I have taken from blogging since I started this blog nearly a year ago.

So, I have been working a lot of the house, renovations seems to go so slowly.  But we had the framing inspector come and he approved what has been done so far.  So that is a good thing.  I am still hopeful that somehow we will be able to be done by March 13th so we can be moved in by March 15th, which is when I have to be out of my apartment.  It is coming along...I have faith that we will make it by the deadline.

Josiah showed some improvement during the remainder of that last week of school before the winter break.  We have been working on reducing any potential bad behavior influence in case that is exacerbating the problem.  Like I wrote last time, we have eliminated SpongeBob for the time being as so many of the rude things he was saying was coming from there.  A and I evaluated video games and we discovered that the Hulk game they got for Christmas has a lot of "I'm gonna make you die" and "I'll break your neck sucker."  and similar phases, we have decided to remove all superhero video games (and any superhero shows) for a while until the kids are able to understand that you just can NOT say those kinds of things outside of a video game.  So essentially the kids 2 dimensional entertainment has been truncated to much more wholesome shows of their choosing--mainly Veggie Tales, Go Diego Go, Thomas the Train, Up, Curious George, etc.... and video games mainly racing games like Mario Cart, and WII play, MonkeyBall, and Sonic.  the do have other games (Nemo, Dora, Madagascar, etc...) that they can play too.

In addition we have been working together on self-control techniques, reducing "freak out" behavior, super praising positive and wanted behavior and actions.  The kids are being more responsible in cleaning up after themselves, which has been great, as Gonzo had been doing well with it, but Josiah had just been refusing to do it.  And now they have both been helping, and HAPPY about it.  Josiah, with verbal persuasion, actually wore his glasses for HOURS today, without complaining after the first 10 minutes.  As he is supposed to wear them 6 plus hours a day, it is great to finally have some compliance in this area.  I am hoping that as he returns to school next week, his good behavior and compliant behavior (I have been using a combination of collaborative problem solving, where he and I talk about a problem and decide together on a solution), and basic "I'm the mom and I love you so you need to do this.  It is good for you because XYZ".  Gonzo, as usual, is more problematic for me at home than he is a school, and so using the collaborative problem solving has been somewhat effective, but as soon as another person is in the mix, he becomes Mr. defiant and nastily rude to me about some things.  Overall there has been some improvement in this area, but Mr. bossy and I still butt heads from time to time, which usually includes a lot of melodrama on his part.  Overall though, this vacation has seen the kids working and playing well together, and having some good family moments.

I have been working on a few things in myself these past couple of weeks as well.  To reduce stress I have been trying to do a guided mediation a few times a week, and it has been helpful, as well as some other centering exercises.  I have also been trying to move my body more.  I had mentioned previously that I am connecting socially with people in a neat virtual world called Second Life.  They have an extremely wide variety of different sim worlds there, and so I pick and choose.  I have found a couple of DJ music clubs and you can dance animate your avatar (the representation of yourself in the virtual world).  So some nights I have decided to imitate my avatar with the dance moves.  It has been fun!  Though of course I close the shades, as I really don't think anyone wants to see me dancing around my living room.  But it is a good workout, with great music and a lot of fun.

The next couple of weeks will be full of working on the house, packing the apartment, and praying that everything comes together in time....

changes I am making

Okay, so I know earlier today I had my little rant about things about school.  It is just that it is such a difficult situation, and the school and I both have high hopes for my son, but we also have different ideas of what that means.  I want Josiah to be the best Josiah that he can be--to love who he is, the embrace his strengths and his weaknesses, to find what makes him who he is, and to find the best way that he can contribute to and make an impact in the world.  I want him to be happy with who he is, happy with the choices that he makes, and be a person that others can respect and cherish for who he is and how he chooses to live.  That is what I want for my son. 

The school also wants him to strive to reach his highest potential.  they want him to come to school ready to follow the schedule that all of the other kids follow.  They want him to move through the day in the same way other kids do.  They want him to not question their authority, and just calmly and kindly associate with his peers and his teachers in a way that is respectful and acceptable in our society.  They want him to conform to the needs and routines of the institution.  They recognise that due to his physical and developmental challenges, he needs help and some accommodation to do this, and expect him to just accept their help and accommodations just as they expect him to follow the rules.  They want him to be successful in the arena that they are setting forth for him.

Both of these goals for Josiah are good.  Both have the right focus--wanting to help Josiah to succeed and find his niche in the world, and to do so with self confidence, self-discipline, and self awareness, as well as a more local and global awareness of how he and his actions impact others. 

But what does Josiah want?

obviously we are all missing something here--as he is NOT reaching those goals.  What is his focus, what lens is he viewing the world through?  What is the motivation that he has for his behaviors and the words that he says?  When he gets angry and frustrated, he shouts out things and says he wants to hurt people, but I have watched him and know that he actually does not want to hurt or upset others, but when he is so upset, I think he puts that "bully" cloak on because it hides his fear.  He talks to me about being afraid, when I ask him to tell me about what was going on.  At school he says he is angry, at home he tells me he was scared.  But at school he can not identify why he was angry and at home he rarely can identify verbally why he was scared. 

I have spent quite a bit of time this evening going over his daily reports.  January was an amazing month of him, almost every day was a "star student" day (meaning that he did very well, and even if he had a mishap, that he worked to correct it and overcome it).  Then suddenly, with very little lead up time, he was having horrible days at school again.  he refuses to go to music, which is the class he loves the most (which started before the big meltdowns) and is telling me that he is scared to go there because he got in trouble, though no one has mentioned trouble in music class.  Other things I was looking at was the phrases he is saying when he is angry.  At first they made no sense to me, as they are not ones we use often (if at all) in our house--"You Suck" "I hate people" "Piece of garbage" etc....  And as read through them a few times, suddenly I could hear them in my head being said by a specific voice--the voice of Squidward on Sponge bob square pant.  Almost every single rude and mean thing Josiah has been saying has come from Squidward!!

So I started really thinking about this...In many wise and religious texts it talks about how what we focus on is important to our lives and/or becomes a part of us.  Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV)  This idea is well supported by the Law of Attraction teachings, "What you focus on expands..." "What you think about you bring about..." and a number of other references to this in the movie/book The Secret, as well as many other books.    I'd go more into this but it is late and anyone who really wants to know can find many more sources than I just by using google.

Anyway, with this in mind, A and I talked about it, and we decided that we will see what happens if we eliminate Sponge Bob Square pants from the kids viewing. At this point I am willing to try anything (including getting rid of TV, video games and all other 2 dimensional substitutes for life--though that is a bit drastic).  I am toying with the idea of limiting viewing to educational shows only, but for now I think we will go wit eliminating Sponge Bob as that seems to be Josiah's focus and his internalization of some of the attitudes and phrases from there.  I am also further reducing video gaming time (which I had started already, as Josiah has been having extreme reactions to losing--it doesn't help that his brother can not stop himself from rubbing it it very nonchalantly anytime Josiah does not get a perfect score). 

I am really hoping it will help.  i am not sure what else to change....

Life is sstill good...but....

Have you ever noticed that when a child is exhibiting challenging behavior, the school is quick to blame the parents.  But then when the child's behavior improves, the school pats themselves on the back about what a great job they are doing, with no credit given to the parents for the good behavior.  And then if that same child has a challenging week after a period of good, come then call that they need to talk about what is going on at home, because of course if it is bad behavior it must be because the parents SUCK.  I am sure they don't consciously think that, but that is essentially what happens, and the message it conveys:

Good child=Good Teacher, Bad Child= Bad Parent

Forget the fact that he did not exhibit these behaviors until he started school with them.
Forget that nothing significant has changed at home recently to prompt behaviorally negative reactions.

Forget that when his behavior improved there was never a call home that said "He is doing great!  What has changed at home to bring about such positive behavior changes?  lets meet to discuss what can we do to understand why he is doing well, so that we can keep it going."

But give him a few days of poor behavior and we get the call about needing a meeting.  Because obviously if he is having a bad week, it must be something the parent is doing wrong.  A child is not allowed to just have a bad week.

I just am at a loss.  I have no idea why he had a bad week last week, or had a rough start to yesterday.  He has been sleeping fine.  Last week I though tit was because he had a bad bout of constipation, but we resolved that and he is "going" fine again.  He has been eating fine, sleeping fine, a little clingy maybe, definitely a little more on edge, but I am not sure why.  Perhaps his body is fighting off a cold, but he has no cold symptoms.  Perhaps he is frustrated with something.  Perhaps he is just human, and we all have weeks that we just are  more grumpy than other weeks, without really knowing why.  I am just so tired of not only dealing with trying to help Josiah over whatever hump it is, but having to deal with the additional stress of school personnel who seem to think that something I am doing is the cause.  I am tired of the whole school sh*t.  He is not a child that institutionalizes well, which actually bodes very well for his adult life and his ability to someday be able to think for himself, to be creative and become someone amazing--As long as they don't beat that out of him by trying to jam him into a round peg hole when he does not conform like a little drone. "yes, teacher" "no, teacher" "flowers are always red teacher, I understand" "leaves are always green teacher".  A big part of the problem Josiah is having this year is that he sees all of the colors of the rainbow, all of the colors of the rising sun, all of the colors of the flowers.... 

He is frustrated...AND THEY DON'T GET THAT!!

Last week I said that maybe he is just having a period of time where he is frustrated by his limitations, and no one can do anything to reduce those limitations.  So sometimes it comes out in various ways, he is not always going to intellectualize it and say, "boy I am feeling frustrated this week about my physical limitations."

He just knows he is tired of not being able to do what he sees other people doing.  To me, that would sometime rear its head and give me an underlying grumpiness, even if I did not consciously acknowledge it.  but they said "no, no he has not expressed that at all"  completely missing the point of what I was saying.

God i am glad I had teachers when I was a child who, for the most part, could see the person in the child (aside from my third grade teacher who was just a monster).  But anyway, I am done with my rant.  I am hoping that things improve very soon.

Life is good.....

Ya Know.....even when life it stressful, life is still good.  There have been a great many things lately that I have been thinking about, which seems to always be my state of being...I am a thinker....I think ALL the time...and I enjoy thinking.

Thinking is not the same as worrying...or stressing....or anything that adds negativity to my life.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about many of the experiences currently in my life that do not resonate with my inner being, those things which do not feel good to me on a deeper sense.  A couple of weeks ago I defined some of those things in my post "Relieving Stress........!?!".  I have been focusing on what feeling I WANT to have and imagining what experiences would help to bring those feelings into my daily life experience.  I had detailed some of those in the post I mentioned, and have actively been working on allowing those experiences to enter my reality, doing what I can to open the door to experiencing better feeling things.

So this is the list of experiences I am opening my life to as per the post on February 1, and the ways in which things are moving in the right direction mentioned under each one:

1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
--Funds were generously donated that has greatly helped towards this goal...allowing me and the kids to remain in our apartment for another month while we finish the house, which will give us a much smoother transition overall.  Some of the funds also helped alleviate some of the stress around a particular problem that I had not budgeted for and was completely unexpected....so yes, it is a hit that will impact my ability to buy flooring, it is far less stressful because the funds to cover it are available.

2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
--With this I am just continuing to breathe and be grateful for whatever help is given in moving the project closer to completion.  Every little bit helps, and it is coming together.  I just have to focus on the finished project and know that it will be done in time to make a smooth move over there prior to the Ides of March.

3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
--This I am learning to be patient with this, knowing that as the house is nearing completion I will soon be able to have my inspections and open the childcare center.

4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
--Well, they have been behaving better...

5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
--My car is now repaired and inspected, thanks to my step father.  I am very glad to have this nice blue sticker on my windshield that says my car is safe and legal.

6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
--I'm thinking about how to work on this one, stayed up late last night thinking about this one  (haha...just kidding).  I'll get there someday.....

7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
--I have reduced the amount of processed food that were in my grocery cart last week (almost none--just cereal, granola bars, and goldfish crackers--all for the kids, and a few cans of soup and stuff) and increased the amount of fresh and frozen vegetables.  I have also started drinking my green smoothies (Click) for breakfast again with 2 oz of lean turkey on the side.  I think I am going to stick with the simple blending I did today and only add other flavors once in a while.  The simple and fine tasting smoothie recipe is: 2 stalks celery, 1 1/2 cups chopped kale, 1 medium size apple, 3 Tbs lemon Juice, 1 Tbs Flax seed, 1 Tbs Spirulina, 5 ice cubes, and 10 oz water.  Blend to desired consistency and then drink (today I did not blend enough and had to eat part of it with a spoon as it was very dense).  The taste is not bad, and once you get used to it it tastes pretty good.  But it makes you feel great.  That is a lot of raw plant matter, which has lots of nutrients---very refreshing!!!  I am also going back to following a more calorie reduced diet (1800 calories) with limited processed carbohydrates (no bread, crackers, pasta, other processed grains--only rice, oats, potatoes, corn--whole food grains), and unprocessed meats or legumes.  I have gotten away from focusing on my physical health, and being overweight, not eating right, not exercising really does have an effect on everything in life.  If my body does not feel good, my attitude is poorer, my patience is thinner, my ability to visualize is weaker, and my overall sense of well being is muted.  So I am bringing physical health back into the forefront for a while. 

8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
--I have been doing a little family therapy with the boys once a week for the past 4 weeks, and the therapist also runs an over eaters/emotional eaters therapy group.  I think I am going to start going to that, and meet some people who struggle with some of the things I struggle with so we can move out of it.  I am hoping that this will also help to make friendship connections with one or two of the women in the group.

9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
--Still working on this, A has been great about taking the kids so that I can work on the house or go to appointments.  I think I am going to try to arrange that whatever day the over eaters group is on, that the kids stay with A for that night and get on the bus there in the morning, so that I can find a more socially oriented group or club to join down in the little city without having to rush back (the city is an hour away, so evening groups or meeting normally do not work out for me).

10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.
--I have found an interesting online community (its called Second Life) that offers a LOT of different things, most of which I have no desire to explore.  I have never really been interested in joining a virtual reality world, as some of the things I have read and seen about them are pretty out there.  And while this one does have some really out there stuff, it also has some really great and down to earth people and places.  One of the things they do have are some great spiritual places where I can connect with others on similar spiritual paths for conversation, as well as libraries in world that have great spiritual guidance works, places for meditation, and just overall a way to release and explore.  I also have done some socializing on other parts of the community (it is like a whole new world, with a wide variety of destinations, themes, games, and ways to connect).  I have actually met one person who is a great conversationalist, and I have enjoyed building on online friendship.  It has been a while since I have had such stimulating conversation--philosophy, human nature, the power of mind, great books, society in general--we have conversed on a large number of topics.  I doubt we will be able to have conversation over coffee anytime in the near future as she and her husband live in France.  But it has been great getting to know her and having great conversation, it releases a lot of tension and frees my spirit.

So, yeah....I have been thinking, and following those thought up with action.  Life is what we make it, and the way we perceive it.  I am continuing to improve both my perception of my life and the experiences that set forth to bring into my life.  Every day is a new day to begin again, and move forward....

Ask and it IS Given!!

WOW!!  God is Good!  I have been squashed under stress lately as my time to be out of the apartment was quickly approaching (2/15) and the house is not going be be done for at least 3-4 weeks, and I did not have the funds to stay in the apartment AND finish the house.  So limbo was approaching quickly.  I have been trying to find ways to relax about this forthcoming chaos, and to be open to accepting whatever comes.  I have been focusing on seeing and feeling myself calm and at peace, seeking to embrace a knowing that everything is going to be okay, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  Using the Law of Attraction and the Deliberate Creation that is discussed in the "Ask and It is Given!" book by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

About 10 days ago I put a Chip-in fundraiser link on my website and blog seeking help in bridging this time and money gap.  Today I got a huge donation from some old and beloved friends that I have not seen in over a decade.  Their generosity has blessed my family so that we do NOT have to be out of the apartment before the house is done, and I should have most of the funds needed to buy the last of the materials for the renovations (maybe even flooring!!).  So I feel richly blessed by the people who have helped with this project.  My father and brother have put in so much time.  Ursula (the owner of the property) has been so flexible and understanding though all the obstacles.  Andre has been great about being with the boys so that I can spend the evenings working on eh house.  My mom and Jim have been very supportive and helpful, and will be helping a great deal over the next couple of weeks as we do the electric.  I am so grateful to everyone who has helped and supported me in this projects and am so grateful that there are people who are able and willing to extend a helping hand to help others meet their needs AND reach for their dreams.

I am richly blessed!!

A little time to myself....

Okay, so I know I do have breaks in my day which are technically time for myself between the split shift that I work with the kids I babysit, but it lately has been so filled with dealing with things with the new house, school meetings, dr/dentist appointments for the kids, and all sorts of other stuff that have to be done, that it is rarely "me" time.  And, as my last post said I have been in dire need of reducing my stress levels.  So today I have some time, by myself following an appointment for myself to just be me.  I am sitting at the library, like I used to do every day last year, and just enjoying the peace, quiet, and solitude for a little bit before driving back home.  A is planning on having the kids for dinner, so there is no reason for me to rush home. 

The past few weeks I have been juggling the idea of stepping away from the babysitting and trying to find a job that provides a better income.  Now that my savings are depleted and the house is no where near ready, so the opening date of the daycare is still a long way off (which when this all started a few months ago, I had figured out and planned that the house would be done and daycare registration approved by the state at about the same time that my saving ran out, which would have been fine, as I could have then been in the position to increase my income through the daycare.  But alas, we are still at least a month from finishing the house, and at least 2 months (as I have to wait for the house to be done to even finish the paperwork to schedule the home inspections)  from completing all of the inspections and licensing requirements for the day care (probably more).  So the $80 a week I make babysitting is just not going to be able to carry us through the next few months, even with the boys' subsidies.  So I am trying to make a hard decision...the decision to try to figure out other gainful employment and thus strand one of my potential daycare families until it opens so that I can make enough to live on, or to just try to keep squeaking forward with that I've got and pray that it will be enough to build the bridge between the depletion of the savings and the time that the daycare starts paying for itself and my family's needs.

I have been looking at the online writing that I used to do and I am not at a high enough income level with it to even replace the babysitting dollar for dollar, so that is not an option really.  I think I am going to have to start applying for other jobs, but the area I live in has so few this time of year, so I will be branching out down to this area (where I am sitting int the library over an hour from home), and I have to make enough to offset the costs of fuel and childcare, or it is a moot point.  So I am juggling and searching, and seeking a resolution to this issue, at least for the short term until things are such that the daycare can be opened.

In short term hindsight, I wish I had not taken on this massive project.  i am hoping that a year from now I will look back with a longer term hindsight and say that this period of stress and uncertainty was worth it, and that I made the right decision to invest in my future in this particular way.  (I know, I have a bunch of oddly structured sentences in this post).

So, anyway... I am going to return to surfing the want ads and see if I can come up with a few leads that will help alleviate some of the overlapping issues that I face right now, as finding and affording childcare for two kids with special needs is a challenge AND getting a job that allows the time off that I need in order to get them to all of their appointments (can you imagine any employer that would have given me the 16 half-days that I had to take off during the month of January for various necessary appointments fro the kids?!?).  Boy do I miss my days at Cornell and the flexibility in scheduling that both Ed and Steve allowed me, as I could make up the hours in the evenings or weekends....

Relieving stress...!?!

Well, I have read (and written) many articles on different techniques to manage stress, and you know, sometimes all of the knowledge in the world is useless when I have trouble applying the techniques and principles of stress reduction to my life.

I have to admit, I have been stressed almost to my breaking point over the past week.  the term "nervous breakdown" kept coming to mind ... 

Between financial pressure, the stress of the house renovations, the looming time line of having to be out of the apartment around the 15th and being no where near done with the house (and without the funds to continue to pay for both places), my car being out of commission while my step father repairs the brakes and power steering so I can get it inspected (it was due in November), thus having to finagle my schedule and transportation needs with A for the week (it is amazing when you can be friends with your ex), and then the added stress of having to make sure the apartment was looking nice and neat for the landlord to show to prospective renters---well, it really has just been almost too much.  Top that off with the cat peeing on the easy chair and Josiah's coat (which was on the chair) last night, so that even with cleaning the chair as well as I could on short notice, and burning scented candles all morning, the house still smelled horrible when the landlord showed the apartment.   Right now the chair cushion is outside int eh rain hoping to let nature wash out some of the smell.  If I can't get the smell out, I may have to say goodbye to the chair.  Josiah's coat I will wash 2-3 times to remove the smell (hopefully) once I get quarters.

Anyway, all of these stressors have combined with the following list of issues to just zap my strength and my motivation to practice beneficial and useful stress reduction techniques:

1) my lack of sleep (running at about 3- 4 hours a night lately),
2) my poor attention to my dietary intake (being an emotional eater and not having as much healthy food in the house--and WAY too many carbs, which is not good for a type 2 person...),
3) my lack of a regular exercise program (I miss my daily hour long walks that I used to do when I was in GF all day),
4) my poignant lack of friends that live closer than 6 hours away that I  could potentially spend time with,
5) my lack of a social life of any kind, and
6) my sorely depleted spiritual reserves

So this is a post essentially focused in the wrong direction.  I am focusing on what I DO NOT want in my life experience right now, and thus am drawing more of those experiences to me.  As the Abraham-Hicks people teach though, these are the times when we are recognizing what we do NOT want so that in contrast we can further define what we DO want, and thus move forward with a clearer, more refined picture of what we are wanting to be created in our lives.  So I will be counting this past week as a week of finding clarity, and move forward from here knowing that what I pray for my upcoming experiences are:

1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.

So I am now breathing and refocusing my attention towards thoughts that relieve my stress.  I would love to hear from some of you, my readers, about things that you do to reduce stress and gain a better attitude and more peaceful focus during times of challenge.  Please leave me some suggestions in the comments! I know that given time and discipline, I will feel far more calm and relaxed about everything going on, and hopefully find a stronger motivation and joy in the adventure that this life brings...

framing almost done...Can you help?

Well, the framing in the new place is almost done.  I will try to remember to bring my camera today so that I can actually take  couple of pictures.  I had planned to do before and after shots, but still have not remembered my camera. The framing for the bathroom floor is in now, complete with the ramp supports.  It is goign to be so amazing to have a handicap accessible home for Josiah!  I ams o excited for him to have a space that is truly one where he can be more independent and has access to all parts of the house.  I have dreamed about this for a long time for him. Hopefully the plumbing and electric will come together quickly so we can get the inspections done ASAP.  My time is running out.  There will be someone here at the apartment to look at it on Wednesday.  So I am going to be speeding up my packing and cleaning, as well as planning for the very real potential that I will not have my certificate of occupancy at the house before I have to be out of the apartment (lease is up Feb 15).  So the  kids will have to live with A in the mean time, and I will probably stay at my Dad's house.  I hate to put the kids in limbo like that, but this has taken so much longer (four months instead of two), and my savings are all used up (literally), so I can not afford to pay for two places any longer, and am struggling to find the funds to buy the last of the materials needed to complete the house. 

I am going to ask you, my loyal readers, for a large favor.  Due to some circumstances beyond my control, I have run short on the funds I need to complete the house (particularly due to the dual housing costs, the high cost of Workers Comp insurance (which I had not budgeted for) and the multiple trips I have had to take to GF this month for all the dental appointments for Josiah and for the trips for the day care training.  On the right hand side of this blog, there is a place to Chip in and make a donation, and I am asking anyone who can, to please help me raise the funds to finish the house so that the kids and I are not floating in limbo for too long, and so we don't get so far behind on payments that we end up losing the house and all of the monies, times, sweat and dreams that have gone into it thus far.  I know this is not a good foot to start a new business from, but in the long run, it will be a definite asset to my family's stability.  Currently I make enough each month to just meet our basic expenses and needs (in ONE house), and I have invested over $7,000 into the house and day care business.  If you can help us reach the last $1,000 needed to complete the house and the final certification needs for the day care, you will be helping a family get back on their feet for financial stability.  You will also be helping me to provide a needed service for my town in providing state registered, well trained day care for the children so that parents can have an affordable, safe place for the kids while they work.  Thank you in advance for your generousity and your willingness to help others, like me, fulfill their dreams.

Thank you,
Heather

Has it really been a whole week!...

Wow!! Has it really been a whole week since I last posted!!

Life has been gloriously busy--The renovations are moving forward at about the pace they have been.  The framing is almost completed, the plumbing is coming together, and the electric will be tackled soon.  Then the three preliminary inspections can be approved, and we can finish her.  That is something I am looking forward to with great relief and appreciation.

I have also completed the Health and Safety Training course required for the day care licensing procedure.  I still have my basic routine, developmentally appropriate teaching, and discipline plans still to complete and send in.  I have some issues with brevity, and am trying to figure out how to respond to the inquiries in the application packet that both satisfies what I want to say AND fits in the small space they provide for the answers.  Aside from that and getting their medical forms to my doctor and the kids doctor to sign off, I just have the floor plan layout and evacuation route plan, which I hesitate to finish until after the framing inspection in case we need to alter anything.  So it is mostly just paperwork left.  I do need to update my First Aid and CPR certification, but that is a one day course.  So there is still a bunch to do, but the end of the tunnel is in sight.

The kids are doing well.  Gonzo is going to be Student of the Month in his class (the teacher emailed me yesterday), as he has been having an outstanding month, many Outstanding Day Orange ratings for the month.  Josiah has been doing great with school lately.  He still has some outbursts but, they seems to be less intense, less frequent, and the teachers have been able to help him turn the corner and come back into a better frame of mind.  He also has been doing more academic work, and they have been scribing more for him, which makes a difference.

Josiah also had another dentist appointment yesterday, and he did great!!  We have one final appointment to fix the last of the issues, and the hardest ones.  So next Thursday will be the last treatment in a long nearly 2 year saga of getting his dental work done.  Dr. Baim has been incredible with him.  I am very pleased with how comfortable she makes him feel.

I also have been doing some cleaning at the apartment, since my lease is technically up on February 15th.  I deep cleaned the bathroom the other day, replaced the toilet seat, which I have been meaning to do for a while now, and scrubbed behind and under everything, I even washed the walls and door.  So, one room down.  I also have been sorting and packing the boys clothes so that the only thing we have to move at the last minute are the sets of clothes they wear to school.  If I can get a bunch of packing and sorting done now, then the move in 3 weeks will go much better, especially if we have not gotten the certificate of occupancy by then and the boys have to live with A for a couple of weeks while we finish the house.

Speaking of A, we had a great visit this weekend with A's sister who came for an overnight visit.  It was great to see her, and the boys love her dearly.  A has been doing okay.  One client has left the area though, and so A's caseload dropped, and is a bit worried about making ends meet.  Hopefully a couple of people will be added soon, so that that A will not have to worry.  A has also been great about taking the kids, though not without some guilt-tripping, it has been a good thing to know the kids are safe and having fun while I am spending many evenings working on the new place for them. 

So that is a basic recap of what I have been rolling with over the past week.  I am looking forward to a highly productive week/weekend to get as much done as possible on the house.  If we can get the preliminary inspections next week, the walls and finishing should come together pretty quickly.  I hope to post more than once a week, so hopefully I'll have a short update for you all over the weekend.

CRAZY Week!>>>

This has been a crazy week.  Well the last couple of weeks have been crazy.  Between dentist appointments, other appointments, required trainings (an hour away, six hours a day) for the day care license, and the renovations of the house, it has been absolutely crazy.

The renovations are moving along.  We have the plumbing drains laid out, still need to lay out the actual water pipes, but those are easier.  The framing for everything is just about ready for the framing inspection.  We are hoping to get the plumbing and electric done so that the three inspections can be done at the same time.  After that, up goes the sheet rock, then taping and spackling, painting, flooring and the final inspection.  We have not had as much time as I had hoped to work on it.  I was hoping we would have 4-5 days a week, at least 4 hours each day.  But it has been a lot of hit or miss, with 2-3 days a week, some with short 2 hour days, others with 7 hour days.  I am still hopeful that we will make my deadline of February 15th to be moved out of here and into the new place.  We just will not have a long to move and clean as I had hoped.  I know it might be a bit tight, but I think if we can keep focused, it will happen.  My goal, if my father can be there for most of it as I need his know how, is to finish the windows, the plumbing and the floor joists for the bathroom this week.  Next week I am hoping we can get eh fire wall framing and all of the electrical done (then we can get the inspections done hopefully by the 27th).  With a few extra hands we should be able to get the sheet rock up that first week in February, and most of the taping and spackling.  Then we have about a week to paint and put down carpet to get the final inspection by Feb13th.  Okay, so it may not quite work out that way, but I am hoping.

Today I pick the kids up from school early and we go to see a family therapist.  I have been trying to get us into family therapy for a while, but the one up here just was not very useful, for one she decided that since the kids have counseling at school, she did not think they should participate in our family counseling.  There is obviously a lack of understanding of what school counseling is, as it is not to address overall problems, but rather focuses on specific issues relating to school that need work.  And everything I talked about in addressing the behavioral issues at home, she just said I was doing a great job and offered a few minimal suggestions.  Nothing that really helped look at the dynamics of the family and how the kids special needs and behaviors were impacting each other and the family as a whole,. nor how my interaction with them was impacting my relationship with each one and impacting their relationships with each other.  So we are going down to the nearest city and hour away and seeing if there is a more helpful therapist who can help us create more peace and cooperation in the household, as well as benefit improving behavior at school and other public places.

So, that's all for now...

quick update

Josiah did GREAT at the dentist.  He sat int eh chair with his head phones on listening to music (and to the dentist) while she explained each step of what she was doing (having done it all on this fingernail prior to starting on his teeth so he could see each step), and he was calm and still the whole time.  A quick three fillings, and he was still happy and comfortable.  In two weeks we go back and she will attempt both top and bottom on the left side.  From what I saw, he did amazingly!!! and so I think he will do well for next couple of appointments.  It is such a huge blessing to have finally connected with a dentist that treats him with respect and KNOWS how to help children feel comfortable with their dental work!!!!

So, huge amount of gratitude for being directed to this dentist!!  Thanks be to God.

As for the house renovations, I am trying to stay positive and optimistic.  My beloved father is showing early signs of Alzheimer's, and some days he repeats the same task (or same full conversation) multiple times.  Today was one of those days.  He measured and planned the windows and closets in the boys bedrooms at least five times....even though we had already discussed, measured, and drawn directly on the wall AND the floor where everything would be laid out and how the other day.  He did put up the framing for another bathroom wall, and we got together a list of what was needed to do the framing for the windows.  But in some ways we lost a lot of time with the repetition of things he had forgotten that we had already figured out.  Five years ago, the framing and plumbing would be done by now, and the electric inspection ready.  But alas, the sad truth of it is that my father appears to be walking the same path his father walked.  He still has all of his intellect, his carpentry and building skills, his philosophical insights, and all of the other things that make him such an amazing human being, but I have been watching his memory slipping more and more over the past year or so.  My brother has seen it as well, and says he will not move out of my fathers house as he and I agree that it is on the cusp of my father needing someone there to make sure he is okay.  Yes, he could probably still live alone a few more years, but knowing that someone is there with him at least every evening after work brings more peace of mind.  So the project will take longer than anticipated, but that is okay, as it is my father's work that he loves to do (well the building part, not so much the plumbing and electrical parts). And I am happy to be sharing this with him.

Another dentist appointment and quick renovation update

Josiah did very well at the dentist yesterday.  They really were great about introducing him to the dental instruments, letting him touch and hold them, and helped him get comfortable with the tools.  They also were very respectful and compassionate with him when he was SO GREAT at expressing his feelings, both when feeling fine and when feeling scared or nervous.  He was GREAT at being open with his feelings and asking questions.  I am so proud of him.

While we were there, they had a cancellation for TODAY.  so they asked us if we can come back today at noon.  Today will be the first day with the drill, but I am hopeful that he will do well.  I am so grateful to have been recommended to this dentist.  I am very hopeful that this will work out for all of his dental issues. I'll keep you all updated....

Now....a quick update about the house renovations...They are FINALLY underway in a real way.  We have pulled a lot of wire out of the walls that was already unhooked.  The walls for the bedrooms are up.  The water damaged sections of the ceiling are down with new pieces going up today while I am at the dentist.  The bathroom framing is supposed to go up today as well, according to my brother.  That would be wonderful.  Electrical is going to take time.  We have done some already with unhooking circuits, moving light fixtures, and moving some things around.  Being a former laundromat, there were a great many outlets.  So we have been following the maze of conduits.

I would say that in another week or so we will have a framing and plumbing inspection and be able to start sheet rocking one side of the new walls.  It may take a couple of weeks before we have the electrical done and ready for inspection.  After that, it is a matter of putting up the rest of the walls, painting, moulding, flooring, and then the final inspection, hopefully no later than the first week in February (as I already gave my notice on moving out of here by the 15th).  Moving will hopefully be the 1st or second weekend in February....yippee!!

Off to the dentist...again....

The dental consult went well last week for Josiah.  This new dentist feels that the issues with his teeth, being that they are all baby teeth, are not severe enough to warrant the risk of anesthesia (which is what we said 2 1/2 years ago to the previous dentist who made us jump through hoops for so long that Josiah teeth got worse and worse.  I wish we had found this dentist back them...). 

So....anyway.....she wants to do a series of in-the-chair dental appointments to fill in the holes in his teeth, only a couple of which have actual decay in them.  She feels that the vast majority of the work can be done without even needing Novocaine.  The worst two teeth are the i-teeth, which are the ones that I have stressed about for the past few years, when they came in with such obvious holes when he was a baby.  Those may need some numbing to work on.  The others are just surface and just need to be cleaned and filled in order to prevent decay (or further decay in a couple of them).  Of course he will actually have to cooperate and LET her work on his teeth, which with Josiah can be hit or miss.  If he refuses to cooperate, then we will have to look again at anesthesia, because the holes do need to be filled.  Please pray that he will be calm and cooperative through this series of dental appointments, so that his teeth can be fixed without the risk of anesthesia.

Thanks!

2 more pounds........and dentist saga continues

So.....I got on the scale this morning for the first time since before the holidays, and was afriad of what I might see.  Much to my joy and surprise, I actually lost another two pounds even with all the holiday eating and the candy that I am not supposed to have.  So yeah!!!  I am down another two pound--bit by bit it is coming off.

And I ask you for your prayers today, send your positive energy and your focused intention...Josiah is having a consult with another dentist.  I am extremely nervous about this, as this is the dentist that the other dentist (who gave us a run around for over 18 months before deciding they couldn't treat his teeth) referred us to as they do dental surgery at the hospital.  I am hoping that they will be a good dentist, a compassionate dentist, and one that will understand that his teeth continue to get worse the longer he is jerked around by dentists.  What should have been a simple small filling 18 months ago has gotten to the point of probably needing to be an extraction.

Please pray for calm and peace for me, and that I will have good insight inot whether or not this dentist is going to treat Josiah with the respect and medical care that he deserves.

A New Year, A New Start

Well, the holiday week certainly kept me busy.  Part of that was this little thing called a Kindle that A got for me.....So I have read five books since Christmas (I know that is a bit excessive).  I am so excited about how easy it is to get a book.  I just need to watch my budget and use the library and free collections more often than buying a new book, or else my basic life will suffer.

My house is still a wreck.  Although I have been working all week in addition to reading, I have also started work (or rather my father has started) on the actual renovating of the new house.  The tear down phase is pretty much done, just a couple of damaged ceiling areas to tear down still.  The main wall for the boys rooms went up yesterday.  I can not help much during this framing, electrical and plumbing stage, as I have minimal knowledge about how to do those three things. It would slow him down too much to be teaching me as we go because I am struggling to pay for two homes at the same time, so finishing as quickly as we can is important.  After the framing, electrical and plumbing inspection, then we can put up the sheet rock at which point I can actually be of use.  I CAN sheet rock, tape, spackle, paint, and then deal with flooring and molding. Then we can have the final inspection, get our CO and move in.  Then I can give this apartment a thorough cleaning, and be done here.  I also am looking forward to having a child care area that is separate from the main living and sleeping area of my home.  It will be easier to design educational and fulfilling activities for the kids I care for, and will be able to keep my own children's stuff more protected and private, as the child care kids will not have access to their rooms.  Here is so small that the kids use the living room/kitchen and the boys bedroom for playing as there is too little room to play and do projects otherwise.

I look forward to us having our own house again, and to getting the day care license process completed, then I make more than $3 an hour because I can have a few kids . Iin NY you can not have more than 2 kids at a time without the license, and in this area many people make minimum wage or barely above it, so can not pay more than $2-3 an hour--and the child care subsidy pays even less than that for people who qualify!  Add int hat very few people have full time jobs year round up here, and you can see that making an income babysitting is not easy.  Actually making a livable income at all is a challenge.  But when I can have 4-5 kids at $2-3 an hour, I can make enough to actually eek out a living for me and the kids.

This week has also see A really step up to the plate with the kids.  A has been sober for one month as of Christmas Day, and the changes that I see remind me of the person that I met nearly eight years ago.  It is amazing how much addiction can change a person.  We have a lot of baggage from the past few years, so I am not sure if our relationship could ever truly heal enough to consider getting back together, but it is good to the person that knew back them again.  Of course it is not easy, and healing takes time, but I see A being more responsible with work, with the kids, and with taking care of the things A needs to rather than waiting for others (like me) to do it.    Each of the kids spent one night at A's by themselves, and then they have spent 3 nights at A's together.  I would love to say that I got to sleep in those days, but alas I still had kids to babysit, so the only day I slept in (to 9:30!! after getting up at my normal 6:30 to let the dog out and back in of course, but went back to bed).  It was New Years Day.  I went over to A's for New Year's eve, and the kids stayed up to watch the ball drop on TV.  This was the first time they stayed up for New Year's Eve.  Then I tucked them into their beds at A's house and headed home.  Of course I ended up staying up until 2:30am reading, so I did not actually catch up on any sleep, sheesh!!

I am looking fr\orward tom this new year.  I have many unfinished or partially finished goals from the last couple of years, and I will continue working on them.  The three biggies I hope to continue this year are getting healthier physically, getting healthier spiritually, and getting healthier financially.  Three facets of "wealth" in helping to transform my life. 

Three primary focuses for the physical aspect: exercising 5 days a week needs to start happening again; eating more vegetables and fruit and less processed carbohydrates, and being more conscientious with food and snack choices (broth or soup for a snack instead of cookies or a bowl of cereal; drinking ample amounts of water; drinking hot tea between meals instead of immediately reaching for something to chew on; chewing gum when I really need the sensation of chewing; planning my meals beforehand so that I know I am eating a well balanced, nutrient dense meal, instead of throwing whatever together at the last minute). 

Three primary focuses for the spiritual aspect:  meditating at least 15 minutes a day; teaching my children about and living life as a prayer (being aware that everything I do can be an act of prayer--a way of communicating with and connecting to the Divine); and  using self-hypnosis to actively work on emotional/mental blockages and to transform negative thinking patterns and habits. 

Three primary focuses for the financial aspect:  Making a reasonable budget based on actual spending needs and committing to it fully;  Getting the day care business underway and being very reasonable  with the budget; and putting some time and effort into the two business I have underway--finish my hypnosis training and get certified so I can make and sell some hypnosis MP3 and CD's, and work on my Ambit business, which my brother is law is making a six figure income from after only 2 years of being an independent consultant, so I know the company is honest, the service is good, and it is a great way to help others make money while helping their friends and family save money on electricity.  I just need to find the time to put into building my business to bring in more income.

So three focus areas for my continued life transformation of my life.  May 2012 bring blessings to you from unexpected places.  And may you be open to being transformed!!